What are good parenting styles?

[BellaUCL2]

Hi there!

Seems like my previous thread got deleted so I'll ask a more innocuous question.

I was wondering, what do you think about different parenting styles and their effect on your child? Do you think there are points we can learn from what you perceive to be the kind of parenting styles of families in China?

I think you can get overly concerned about different parenting styles and put too much pressure on yourself.

A child only needs a "good enough" parent- there are no prizes for being the best.
What is good enough? Behaviour that permits your child to form an attachment, keeps them safe from harm and an environment for them to develop normally.
How do you know if your doing this? In my experiance commercial resources based on particular styles will not tell you.
I check my parenting against the Graded Care Profile, which is a resource social workers use to access neglect. That probably sounds a bit eccentric but the teson i find it useful is that its an attempt to actually quantify what "good enough" looks like, which you won't find elsewhere. I score 2's and occasional 3's so I know I'm adequate.

What do I perceive to be the parenting style of families in China? It's a big place and one that is changing dramatically.

My SIL's experience of being parented in China was being put in a fulltime nursery, because her parents thought the family member looking after her was too soft on her.

Otoh, there is now a growing trend of concern with "little Mandarins" in China, children who are outrageously spoilt and with little experience of competition or consideration for others.

Then again, there seems relatively little difference between the way I was parented in Sweden and dh in England and the way said SIL is currently parenting her children in Europe: pragmatic, sensible, open to listening to children as people, but expecting to be treated with respect and not afraid to make decisions for the best of all. Seems good enough to me.

And by fulltime nursery, I mean 24/7, not during the working day.

I’ve just had a look through the Graded Care Profile (admittedly the old version as all the links I found to the new one don’t seem to work). It’s interesting.

For a small number of those I would give my DH and myself a 1:

• My DD’s bedrooms have been designed with enormous amounts of love, care and soft furnishings I’ve handmade to suit them. If I were brave enough, I’d retrain as an interior designer.
• Their wardrobes are full of lovely clothes, again some made my me.
• Their food is 90% homemade and tailored to their needs (one is dairy intolerant).

If however, I could sacrifice those things a bit to gain more patience to play with them endlessly and not shout when my toddler has repeatedly removed the shoes we have spent ages choosing in the shop together because she “doesn’t like them”, I would do so without question.

I don't actually see your question(s) as innocuous TBH

It is intersting isn't it Melvin
I reckon I can score myself a 1 for special occassions, because I do love to throw a birthday party!
On a good day- I can get a 1 for some of the esteem/positive interation ones. Possibly a 1 for interest in their education.
For a very brief period I was aiming for 1's in food preperation because I was trying to follow the DOR method to cure the eldest of his fussy eating. It was exhausting. To keep a clean table top and clean serving bowls and planned meals was actually requiring a higher level of domestic organisation than I could easily maintain.
Then i noticed that he seemed to be eating a wider range in the school canteen so i dropped the effort and we're a chips and pizza in front of the TV household again! So thats a 2 or a 3 there.
My house is terrible. When i get to the points about clenliness- I can see how close to unacceptable I actually sail. All 3's. Sometimes even a 4 (which would be cause for intervention). I sometimes use it as a kick up the bum to get cleaning.
I do notice that some of the items for positive interaction draw a distinction between responding straight away and a delayed response if engaged in important household task so i think it would be impossible to score very highly for positive interaction and home conditions. Thats my excuse anyway.
People say "Well, your only aiming to not neglect them- thats not aiming very high" But when you drill down to what that means its sobering to see how much of a challenge it actually is. Its still a very serious adult responsibility we're engaged in here. Even without the pressure of trying to do it the "right" way.

I’d had the same thought unlimited. It’s probably not possible to score at the highest end for everything. Unless you have a full time cleaner and a cook of course!

I think we’d get a 1 for their parties too- but that is entirely down to my DM. Most of our “showy” toys are too. I did take exception to that description though. How “showy” anything is really shouldn’t be an indication of good parenting, IMHO.

I think I want to prioritise the interactions more. We go out most days to a baby/toddler activity, but I could be better at home. Mostly because I’m too busy sorting out food and tidying/cleaning!

I am going to try to be more patient and I’ve been trying with praise too. A day of no accidents at nursery (DD1 is potty training) and first steps from DD2 today, has probably skewed that in my favour though!

Thanks for sharing!

Research shows the “best” style of parenting is kind but consistent. Neither too lax, not too strict. Have boundaries that you always stick to, but not too many. Be highly predictable and not critical. Atune to your child’s emotions and help them express and understand them. Be accepting, positive and interested in who your child is.