Help, feels like i'm losing control

[pinkdolly]

I have 3 under 5's. My oldest will be 5 in June, my middle dd will be 4 in August and my 3rd will be 1 in July. I've been feeling low for a few months now. But it's my temper thats upsetting me.

I'm finding it hard to discipline the girls without shouting. And they cant do things the first time I ask them, nor the second. Most times I have to ask them over and over again to do something and then I have to shout to get things done.

Dh is no big help. He either laughs at me for saying silly things to the girls or has a go at me for shouting at them.

I asked him to supervise them tidying the dining room today as they had trashed it. He allowed them to do a very small amount of tidying and then left it. So when I looked at it I got upset coz they hadn't done much. He's a good dad but is just as messy as the girls. It's really getting me down.

DD3 is a velcro baby and I find it hard to tidy up when dh is not here. He just had 2 weeks off over easter but had so many other things planned that nothing got done here.

I know i'm rambling. I'm sorry. To cut an even longer story short. I just feel I wanna cry. I love my girls and I hate shouting at them all the time (I dont want to be like that). But i'm finding it so hard.

Do you have any inspirational words for me please!!

pink, I have been there - I taught myself not to shout. It did not make me a perfect parent, or improve things like mess or siblings fighting, but it did stop me feeling like a crap parent. Shouting does not improve things, and it can make things worse.

It's really worth changing this one thing - I reminded myself I was the grown up and should be able to stop the shouting. Every time I wanted to shout, I stopped, and just told myself 'talk normally'. I would say it took a couple of months for it to come naturally, but it worked, and it is second nature now.

What you do instead of shouting is up to you - there are lots of ways of encouraging good behaviour, and this is better than going bananas at the bad

Thanx tiktok,

I dont know whats wrong with me lately. Just things are getting to me. I have never shouted at the girls like this and it's making me feel like crap.

Am just going through a rough patch, will take your advice and take a few minutes to think about things before the shouting. It's just hard when youv'e already asked them loads of times and they are being so defiant.

Pink honey. Hi.

I know exactly what you mean, I hate shouting at mine, it does make you feel like crap, but by then you have descended into rage that they can't just DO AS THEY ARE TOLD!!! I mean how hard can it be?? But it doesn't work, DS1 has even started shouting back, but even knowing that doesn't stop you sometimes, esepcially when your stress levels are high.

Give yourself a break though - I mean look at the situation, Dh is great but easy going and not doing what you are doing, you have three under 5s, including a baby, you are, IIRC, homeschooling them and not using the TV at all in the day??? If I didn't "use" the tv (and I do use it as a tool, it's only on when I need DS1 to sit still for half an hour at a time really) I would never get breakfast cleared away in time for lunch and would never get showered. Fact.

I am going to try Tik Tok's advice too, it's a good idea, but don't be so hard on yourself, you are a fanTAStic mother, don't forget I "know" you from our postnatal thread and you are a wonderful mum and your girls adore you.

Also remember, these are the real labour intensive years....it can only get easier.

Big hugs to you.

Bloss

xx

Thanx Bloss,

Very much appreciated. I actually put Tiktok's advice into practice last night and it did make me feel calmer. Ok it didn't make the girls move any faster but I didn't get wound up. It seems the more I shout the more angry I get.

I sat down with the girls and promised them I would try very hard not to shout. And then dd2 told me that she loved me. Nearly made me cry.

I do have wonderfully funny and good girls I believe they are just asserting themselves at the moment. Since Jazz came along they have had to learn to wait instead of having everything straight away. And, for the most part, they've been ever so good about it.

Today I am gonna try really hard and not raise my voice not even once. .
And i'm feeling quite good about it too.

Aw, that's great, pink dolly. If you slip up occasionally - and you may! - don't feel it's not gonna work! As I say, it took a while for 'non-shouty-tiktok' to be 'natural'

I did it this morning too. What would usually have been "DON'T PULL ON THE TOY BOX LID, IT'S BROKEN!!!!" became "H, don't pull on that, remember we talked about it and it will come off and hurt you?".

Spect this will last about 2 minutes but it's a start...

pinkdolly, it sounds as if you have very high standards for yourself and your family. Remember, everything doesnt have to be perfect. IMO family life is better for all if you can go with the flow. My mum had v high standards and there was usually an air of tension at home. I try so hard not to let this be the case in my home. Even at the risk of (relaxing) some principles. Good luck.