How to deal with angry 12 month old. At the end of my tether.

[NotGoingToPlan]

I have a 12 month old boy, he's been difficult right from the start. He had/has reflux and CMPA right from birth so was a baby who cried all the time and barely slept. Fast forward through 12 months of stress and worry and he now sleeps through the night but just seems to be the most miserable child.

He is permanently grumpy, always shouting, screaming and crying. If you tell him not to do something he throws himself onto the floor and repeatedly bangs his head until there are bruises on his forehead. He bangs his head on everything, walls, highchair, headbutts me as well. I can't hold him, he hates to be held and will have a screaming fit if I try.

The same with changing his nappy. He goes mad and gets into such a rage screaming so angrily I'm sure my neighbours wonder what the hell is going on. He kicks and thrashes and it takes about 10 minutes just to be able to change it. Because of this my days are just miserable.

I feel trapped in the house with him as I hate taking him out because I can't change his nappy without him going mental, I can't get him to go back into the push chair or car seat without him going mental and I can't feed him when we are out because of is poor eating habits. I'm feeling really depressed as there is nothing positive in it all. It's not like I can sit with him on my lap or have a cuddle or anything nice like that as he hates it. All he wants to do is tear through the house pulling things down and touching all the things he shouldn't and then throws mega temper tantrums and head banging when I tell him no.

I feel like I have lost the will to go on. I dread waking up in the mornings. I don't ever get a break from it as I'm a single mum and I'm very cut off. I don't have any friends or family. I only have my mum who minds him for the 3 days a week I go to work but she won't help any more than that.

Hash anyone else had a child like this who seems to hate affection, and be angry and frustrated all the time? He also doesn't respond to his name or point, clap, wave, play games with me etc, don't know if he should be doing these things by now?

Just looking for some advise really or stories that I'm not alone. Just feel so miserable all the time.

That sounds like my son at that age. He's 5 now and a really lovely boy.
12 months was tough. The head butting was the worst bit. Providing there's nothing underlying (medical/developmental) it will pass but it's worth getting him checked out. Health visitor first, and maybe GP.

How is he with your mum?

I don't think he's quite as bad with my mum when she looks after him but he seems to do all of the same things just not as intense. She takes him out a lot more as she has a dog that she walks so I guess he is less bored/ more distracted with her.
I think I will contact a HV soon as I am starting to get really worried he has something wrong with him. Well I've always worried this but clung onto the hope when people said it would get better at which ever age they said but it's just gotten progressively more difficult.

Does he get much chance to run about in a good non-destructive way?
I'm wondering if youve got a child with ALL THE ENERGY that might be more accepting of hugs etc if he was more tired out.

Well he's only just started to walk this last month so the weather is not the best for outdoor walks, but he does have a lot of space in the house to run about, his room has plenty of space too. I do try to take him out as much as possible but I don't really know of any indoor places where I can let him run free out of his push chair.

It sounds like he's very frustrated at becoming mobile. Do you have any children's centres /playgroups you could go to? When we went through similar getting out and exercised made a world of difference.

And I used to bribe DD with crisps to get into/out of the buggy and with Bing at nappy change time.

Unless it's mega freezing or pelting down, dress him and you appropriately and try to find somewhere he can get out and burn off some energy - park nearby?

I think bribing with food is the only thing I have left to try but because he's not a big eater yet food bribes tend not to work as he just chucks them away in disgust. I'm hoping that if and when he finally gets established with his eating that I'll be able to do things like bribe with food and also that he might be less grumpy? Hopefully when talking comes too. It's just hard to believe it's going to get any better as I've been waiting for it to for so long now!

Sound really challenging and especially because it’s been winter. My advice would be to take him outside to parks and play centres which have outside space, get him running around as much as possible.

I use to fret loads when my son screamed, what would other people think. Now I just say ‘sod it’

I agree around having him checked for medical conditions-you will fret less about the screams.

I find being outside with my son the perfect way to wear him out, I love being outside also-really impacts my well being to be inside plus the screaming seems not as loud!

Ps I also use to bribe with food and as a last resort I would put on planes from you tube on my phone to get him into the push chair.

We also have space at home but my son goes from being lonely to being a terror if kept in more than a couple of hours

Lovely not lonely

Definitely get out of the house! Get a waterproof suit and boots over whatever he’s wearing and go to any kind of park, mine can be entertained for hours by just sticks and puddles. I find dd gets grouchy and unhappy if we stay in too long, running around in the fresh air seems to wear them out ten times as much.

Of course I would also go for checks if you’re worried but what you say about when he’s with your mum may suggest a way to help at least.

Is there no soft play/children’s centre near you? You both need out of the house. Will he watch a video? I used to put a video on my phone when I changed my sons nappy because he was the same. Honestly it's fine if he goes mental while your out. The more he goes out the better he and you will get at it. My son did turn out to be autistic but is joe happy and thriving. And just at age 4 I got my first proper cuddle off him.

Thanks for the advice, I will look for a waterproof suit ASAP and try taking him out to run around more. The only thing I worry about is that he still has about 3 naps a day, so is normally awake for only 2.5 - 3 hours a day so by the time I've tried to feed him in his highchair then done his milk and then gotten to the park etc he only has about 20 minutes before he starts getting tired and grouchy again. Nethertheless I will still try it as I need to find some way to cope!

Honestly, get one of these ebay and some wellies and just take him out even in the rain. You might find he cuts down the 3rd nap if he's busy outside.

Also do nappy changes standing up, unless it's a poo it's really easy to do. even easier with pull up nappies.

Fresh air, honestly it does sound less loud when you are out and about. He is napping a lot for a 12 month old, but of course kids vary. I would let him nap and walk around outside, gives you a break and some fresh air.

Are you saying he is only awake for three hours a day, bit confusing the last post. Does he sleep at night?

Yep.

Get him out and about to explore. He sounds extremely frustrated and under stimulated. If he's sleeping so much it could be through boredom.

Just stick something easy to eat under his trolley. A sandwich or something will do, It will take the pressure off him as well.

You could pack a little lunch and some snacks for him and eat it in the park/ cafe. No minds minds a child of that age eating food they have brought from home.

Would he nap in his buggy? Then you could have a coffee and read a book for a bit before letting him run around the park again and wearing himself out before bed.

Also swimming helps. We used to take our toddler in the morning but he always then had a massive long lunch time nap so now we take him just before tea and he sleeps really well after that

I do understand your post, I was in exactly the same place as you and it was horrible. Have you tried sensory distractions like blowing bubbles, popping bubble wrap, floating fabric down from the air - things that might induce some calm.

Also and I know you are just venting on here but there is nothing positive about him in your post - maybe he is picking up on your feelings?

I would go to the gp and tell them you are struggling. I wish I had when my DS was that age.

Definitely get him out of the house to toddler group / park. Go straight after breakfast and bring snack with you. Wear him out then back for lunch and nap.
I found from that age to about 3 they need to be aired every day with a good run around. My dd is five and still needs to be physically active for a couple of hours every day.

Also I just reread and saw you're a single mum. Would you get any help towards childcare costs? It might give you a bit of a break if you could put him in nursery for a morning or two. At the moment the only break you're getting is going to work which isn't a break at all.

He goes to bed at around 6.30/7pm and usually will sleep the way through until 5.30/6am but then he always wants to go back down at 8/8.30 am then sometimes he will nap again at 12 other times he leaves it until 2 or 3pm to nap again. I think he sleeps a lot also and have tried keeping him awake and busy but it alway's ends in a melt down. I do take him out each day for walks or shopping etc but I've not let him run around in a park yet as he's only recently started walking, that's definitely something I'm going to try asap though.

And I know that post sounded horribly negative, I don't mean it to be all negative I just get so stuck on the bad things that I forget the good.

Will he sleep in the buggy? Then you can at least plan a trip to the park then go for a coffee once he's asleep? My youngest didn't start eating until 13 months ish and now he eats everything (20months). Is his reflux under control? Is he still on meds?
Bribery either with toys or food is the way to go for buggy/car and let him play with your phone or find some special puzzles or something that only come out for (standing up) nappy changes? Can you child proof your house a bit more and say no less? Mine loved pulling dvds out etc at that age. I just let them get on with it, unless it was really dangerous. I have a bottom drawer in the kitchen full of Tupperware and random plastic spoons/sieves and things for him to rummage in while I'm cooking as well.
Have you read Toddler calm? It's a great book for helping understand how they are feeling and how to deal with it.

He doesn't sleep in the buggy. I have tried but he just ends up getting really over tired and then screaming and/or thrashing in the pushchair and banging his head on the back of the seat.