Partner does all his parenting at exes house and i am not allowed to meet his child

[Squirrellygone1]

I have been with my partner for three years. He is separated. He lived on his own in a flat nearby for a few years and we have been living together for just the last two months or so. He has one 16 year son with his ex. His ex has never accepted their break up but they are on good terms despite that. He has not told his ex we are living together yet.

He only sees his son at her house. So two nights a week at hers, until about 11pm, then usually two nights of the weekend, Friday night (usually till about 1130) and Sunday night and one full day of the weekend he spends at her house. Then Christmas day and other "family days" like Easter he spends with her at her house. Now to begin with I didn't mind too much as I thought its nice for his son, that they do this...but as years have gone by, and nothing has changed (he goes nuts if i suggest spending Christmas with me, or if I ask (as I do frequently) when I might meet his son, I am starting to feel this isn't quite right.

He is very good at explaining it - so he said for a year or so I could not meet his son as he was going through puberty which is a confusing time. Then after so much nagging he allowed me to meet his son on the basis of a staged "pretend" bumping into them in the street - for just a few minutes literally. Now i am told I still can't meet him properly because he has exams in June. His son is open to meeting me, and when asked about meeting me responded with "i can't do this week, but next week is ok" - that was 6 months ago now and still no meeting.
I think he is just scared to ask his ex or raise the topic.

Three years in, and I feel I don't really have a proper relationship. Family ask me where he is on Christmas day, and friends ask how I get on with his son, and I am starting to feel a bit embarrassed as people have commented that it's not right.

As I say, he gets very angry when I question it - and says i don't understand what its like to have a 16 year old boy, and I am being selfish and I should spend Christmas with my own family.

I would appreciate any comments from anyone who has experienced this sort of thing to know if i am being unreasonable. We have not lived together for long, but its been three years together in a monogamous relationship and I feel something is not quite right. I find myself what sort of "parenting" is really going on at 11pm at his exes house?

Sorry op but you sound effectively like the ow. . A 16 yo doesn't have a relationship with its df based on what dm organises /allows!!

I think you answered your own question there op with the comment at the end.
I can't offer any advice really as I have no experience of 16 yr old boys however being a 16 yr old girl once upon a time I can say that if the relationship between his parents is truly over he should be able to adjust well to a change which makes his father happy. Good luck op :)

He is far too much still entwined with his ex wife. You are not the one in the wrong here. What you want is just a normal relationship with a man who is free. And he isn't. I'd call it a day now. I hate it when the tables are turned and you are the one who is made to feel you want something unreasonable. Believe me you don't. Hope things work out.

Doesn't sound good for you. I think you're wasting your time. I'd move onwards and upwards.

Very odd... I think you need to decide if this relationship is what u want, it doesn’t seem fair or equal, where is the shared communication? Where is his commitment to you?

This all sounds a bit off to me OP! 3 years is a long time and even though you've only been living together a few months he should still be showing a certain level of commitment to you, which he isn't! You couldn't meet his son because he was going through puberty?? Seriously?? Long term I think you have to re-evaluate things because after 3 years he should be including you in all aspects of his life, not spending most of it with his ex wife! He can see his (almost adult) son anytime without seeing the ex! You have put up with more than I ever could!

Thank you. He makes me feel I am going mad as he is very very good at twisting things and explaining it.
He only recently stopped holidays with her, after saying for years that it was very common to go away with your ex and child and lots of people do it. I put a stop to that, and do know 100% that is a line in the sand, but with the rest it, he makes me doubt and question myself. I do love him. I also tend to think he is not sleeping with his ex, but still, deep down, it does not feel right.

Seriously. I couldn't meet his son as "puberty is a confusing time"...which I did question over and over and told him I thought it ridiculous..

Sounds rubbish OP.

You have options. Changing him, or his priorities, isn't one of them.

Walk away now

Look ahead, its likely you will still be a secret on his 18th, 21st, the chance for you to have dc will pass you right by op.
Cut your losses ASAP.

Hmmm sounds like you are the ow and he is leading a double life. No way is his story for real!

Thanks everyone. Just confirms what I thought really and relieved to know i am not nuts (about this anyway).

That's rather ridiculous. Three years!

I don't think you're getting anywhere with nagging him about this.. His take on what is normal with an ex is very far removed from most people's, most especially considering he is in a relationship.

You need to read the thread on the relationships board. Similar story and now the ex is pregnant.

It sounds like he’s still living with her and you’re the OW.