My mother's reaction to me planning to move is damaging DD's relationship with me

[sophiebeth]

Ok, apols in advance because this won't be a brief explanation...
My daughter is 11. I split from her dad when she was a few weeks old and, as we were renting a place together, had to move out after the split. But as on mat leave, no savings, no rels who could give me a loan, I had no money to get a place of my own and ended up moving in with my mum, on understanding this was just for 6 months-1 year until I got myself sorted. Was very grateful for all the help my mum gave, it meant I could go back to work as junior doctor and complete my specialty training. But when I felt the time was right for me and DD to get our own place, my mum got very upset, giving inconsistent reasons why I couldn't move out - because she needed my contribution to the bills and her interest-only mortgage and couldn't afford to pay this on her own, then when I offered to carry on helping financially, that I wouldn't be able to cope living away from her, then that it was a horrible way to pay her back for everything she'd done for me, finally admitting she just does not want to live on her own and begging me to stay. I don't deal
well with confrontation and gave in. However, she can be very domineering and prone to emotional blackmail and I have found this very hard to live with. We did a house move back to my hometown 6 years ago and again I said I wanted us to get separate places but was met with all the same arguments and a lot of 'expressed emotion'. A few years ago I was rather unwell with chronic fatigue and my mum gave a lot of practical help. Eventually I got better through pacing and reducing my working hours a lot. Again am so grateful that my mum was around to help when I was ill, although it felt awful to have to let someone else do the things I should have been doing myself like doing the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. It's now my house we live in so my mum said, 'just think of it as me paying my share'.
I've finally got around to putting the house on the market after talking with my mum and DD last year about me and DD living separately from my mum. Although this can't have come as a surprise to my mum, she reacted in a hysterical way and told me I was awful and selfish, wouldn't be able to cope without her, I don't care about DD, only she does, I'm too mentally unstable to give DD a decent life (I have anxiety and have had treatment. I am not unstable!). Poor DD witnessed these hysterics and is so angry with me for upsetting her grandmother. Since then she has been punishing me with rudeness, refusing to do basic things like eat meals, wash, go to bed at a reasonable time, has hit me, tripped me up on purpose, bangs on my bedroom door when I need to go to sleep. She says she'll behave if we don't move and Nana can still live with us. I've tried to calmly explain my reasons for moving (apart from the fact that due to having had to reduce my hours I can't afford the mortgage any more) but I can't get through to her. Now DD is also telling me I'm useless and selfish and echoing other things my mum has said to criticise me. I want to get DD away from constantly being around my mum as she is emotionally manipulative and I can see it's damaging DD already. Me being unhappy about it all doesn't help DD either, and my anxiety goes through the roof when eveything kicks off. My mum undermines everything I do, every day, in front of my daughter. She also loses her rag easily and, if my daughter starts to get physical and hit out, will shove her back like another child would act, then I have to mediate. I know she has friends she could stay with and feel like asking her to leave but am reluctant to do anything which will make DD even more angry and upset. I know things will improve once the house sells but that could take months and in the meantime I don't know how to deal with a child who is being deliberately defiant to punish me and saying she will not live me but her grandmother instead...or how to deal with a mother who runs me down to DD behind my back and in front of me! I may need to move 26 miles away to a different city as more affordable property there plus there's a great private school which has 100% bursaries for kids whose parents can't afford fees, as long as they pass entrance exam (DD is very bright and is in yr 7 so moving schools now would hopefully not be as disruptive as moving later on). But because my mum has said very negative things about this plan, DD flat out refuses to visit the school or take any tests. Sorry this post is so long but I'm at the end of my tether. When DD asks why we have to move and I try to explain that I'm her mum and she needs me to be her mum, not Nana, and we will still visit Nana often, she asks me, who will pick me up from school? Who will cook my dinner? - my mum still insists on doing all these things even though I can, even to the extent of buying loads of food before I get a chance to go shopping so the fridge is already full, or deciding our meals and telling me off if I start to prepare something different. AIBU in wanting to live my life and raise my daughter the way I want? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Never been I. This position sorry but I totally think you're within reason

I can understand why DD is upset unfairness Nana is like a second parent to her and she's only young so won't fully understand why you guys need to have your space. It also won't help if her Nana is putting negative ideas in her head which I think is something you need to seriously tackle before you do anything else. The last thing you want is to estrange yourself from your loved ones.

Have you considered an open letter?
Sit the two of them down and have a letter prepared, ask for no interruptions and read the letter. It could contain all of your actual FEELINGS rather than the practicality and logic of moving. Explain how maybe you want to feel like the mum and how it hurts not being able to make decisions knowing it's upsetting then but then feeling unhappy yourself because this didn't how you want to raise your child ?
Maybe try to get them to empathise - especially your mum , she's emotionally blackmailing you and there's no way about it

I really do hope everything gets sorted soon and I wish you and your family all the best

From your daughter's point of view, her parents (the two adults she's lived with all her life) are divorcing and that's because one of them wants it while the other doesn't. From your daughter's point of view one parent is kicking the other one out.
She's 11 full of hormones and life changes and suffering through the same feelings as a divorce. Get her help, someone to talk to or a counsellor. Stop talking about the move as it will just stress her more. When you've found a place and a date, tell her as a this is what will happen, its not up for discussion. Then be consistent and calm about consequences and boundaries. And find things to do with her to focus on the positives. Even if its just going to sit with her while she's in her room. Anything you good you see, tell her. Lovebombing helps a lot.

I lived with my parents until my daughter was 5.
When I finally left my mum was devastated but she was the first person there to help me move, paint and settle in. She was going to miss us but knew it was right for us to start our own adventure.
And I couldn't love her more for it. It must have been so hard for her to support.
Try sit down with your mum when you daughter is at school and explain you don't want to shut her out you just need your own space. And that her behaviour is hurting her dgd.
You are not being selfish to want your own space and place life.

You are doing the right thing

Your DD only sees the negatives but will soon understand the positives

We lived with my grandma and it made my mother depressed and she was a much better mother away from her own!

GM interfered, was negative and took over everything - nothing was secret!

I'm glad DM made the decision to move even if it was a longer commute to school

I know it’s hard to when you suffer from anxiety, but you come across as perceiving yourself to be very weak, even though you own the house and it’s your money, and you are being absolutely taken the piss out of by your mother. Your daughter is learning that you are weak and a victim and is trying to goad you into having some self respect and strength.

Grow a pair of balls. You are clever (a doctor!). You earn a professional wage (could be higher if you were able to work full time), you own the house. You are the boss!

The ship needs a captain and your daughter’s behaviour is begging you to step up, so get bossy. Shout, be strong, show her that you are not a victim who is going to let her walk all over you. Weak parents terrify children and you need to stop being weak towards your own child.

What the hell is an 11 year old going to do anyway?

Practice a speech, and say it out loud next time your daughter plays up. You are the boss, you are the adult, you are the breadwinner. You exist as a person and you have the right to pursue your own happiness, and not just exist as her slave.

Thanks all for your replies. @MiaD13 yes, I will consider the letter, as I have tried to express my feelings already but get cut off with "You shouldn't feel like that" or "Don't be so stupid" by my mother. She may pay more attention to a letter. And my daughter will get a chance to hear how I'm feeling without interruptions, which may encourage her to talk about her feelings rather than just playing up. @negomi90 you are right, she is hormonal at the moment which is adding to her anger, and I do realise the changes are a lot for her to deal with. I do need to do a lot more positive reinforcement. @ConfusedButInLove glad your DM was supportive even though it must have been hard for you. Of course I understand it's a big change for my DM and I've tried to tell her I don't want to cut her out and we will still see her regularly...she doesn't seem to have taken it on board. @GreenTulips it's good to hear from someone who was in my DD's position, that things turned out well and you're glad your DM moved. How did you feel about it at the time? @KimmySchmidt1 yep, assertiveness does not come naturally to me although I am getting better since having therapy last year. If I calmly but firmly say "I'm in charge and this is not up for discussion", DD will argue the hind legs off a donkey and act out terribly at the time but the next day behaves a lot better with me....until the next time things kick off, anyway! Confiscated her laptop for a week last night, ignoring DM's protests for me not to. I'm getting better at it with practice but it can't hurt to try to be even more badass...

@ConfusedButInLove even though it must have been hard for her, I mean