Babies sleeping alone early evening

[eeanne]

I know the SIDS guidelines say don’t let baby sleep alone until 6 months. But my 2 month old is starting to become aware of noise and light, and won’t settle in the bassinet in the living room anymore.

With DC1 I think by 2.5 months we were putting her down in the bedroom and then leaving her until one of us was ready for bed. We live in a flat and can easily pop in to check and can hear everything. So thinking we should do the same again.

But I’m wondering if I’m being a bad parent ignoring the guidelines. What do others do? Always stay with baby every minute they’re asleep?

Keeping baby up late isn’t an option as I’m back to work soon - live in a country with crap maternity leave.

I breastfeed and baby is in a cosleeper cot next to me all night.

No cat, this is absolutely not the case for you know best.

You do not know best. You do not know better than the doctors, professors, scientists and other professionals who have dedicated hundreds and hundreds of hours to researching these guidelines.

You do not know better than the parents of children who died for some completely explained reason.

You do not know best. You knew what 'best' was and you chose to ignore it, putting your 4 week old at risk, completely against the advice of all of those specialists. You do now know best, you took a risk. It was fine, as it most probably would be for the OP. However that is not because you knew best. It was luck, pure luck.

What would you say to the parents of babies who have died- well you should have checked after 30mins, not 40mins? Well you should have used a breathing mat? Well you should have used a video monitor? None of those would have saved their child who STOPPED BREATHING.

You do not know best so don't say such utterly ridiculous things. This is not the time (or the place!) for 'ur roolz hun'.

teaandbiscuitsforme why is it that when people say they formula feed they aren’t told off because it increases the risk of SIDS?

I would wager 10% of the population follows the guidelines perfectly. Given the rates of formula use, alcohol and tobacco use, cot bumpers still in shops, etc. And yet SIDS rates has massively declined. Which means SOME level of action outside of the guidelines is still safe.

I find it amazing how many MN users say ignore guidance on alcohol in pregnancy but then bash other parents for ignoring other guidance.

Op I agree, most people probably don't follow the guidelines. That doesn't mean the guidance isn't right or shouldn't be advised.

But IMO if you ask for advice on this topic, you should be told the guidance and make up your own mind. Can you imagine if posters told everybody who asked to leave their tiny newborns in a room on their own and then something did happen??

And my point was that the pp cannot and should not say that you know best. You know what the guidelines say and you are now free to make your own decisions.

And people do know of the risks of formula feeding, alcohol and smoking. They know the risks and they make their choices. It doesn't mean that they were right and the guidance wrong.

The guidance on SIDS is to reduce risk. SIDS deaths are unexplained so almost by definition the causes of death are not known. Parents of children who die from SIDS are not to blame in any way. Observational studies simply show common factors found more frequently for babies that die from SIDS and their surviving peers. Most of the studies were done in the 90s when SIDS deaths were much higher, rates have dropped significantly since then probably mostly assignable to the success of the back to sleep campaign, but have now plateaued and so further factors are being explored. There are some issues with the most recent recommendations, quite well explored in this NY Times article

My children are almost adults now. ds would have slept anywhere (but I coudn't sleep in the same room as him). dd cried all night so no one slept unless she did!

A guideline is a guideline, not a rule. You look at the guideline and make a decision based on this. Yes there are risks to everything, but I follow more guidelines re my baby than I don't. I'm not forcing the OP into any decision. I'm not a health professional, no, but OP should make her own mind up like I did, and not be judged. She came here asking for advice, not for people to rant at her making her feel bad for any decision she may make outside these guidelines

Cat I'm not ranting at her! My advice to the OP was to read the guidelines and make her own decision based on fact rather than the opinion of an Internet forum.

My issue was the phrase you used of 'you know best', as you well know it was. None of us know best, we're not experts. And I don't accept that 'you're an expert in your own child' shit. Parenting is all about using the advice of experts (actual experts with peer reviewed research etc, not the Gina Ford types) and making your own decision, weighing up the risks for yourself. That does not mean that you know best.

I admit I didn't know much about the SIDS guidelines many many years ago and just put both ds's in their own cot, in their own room, at a very early age.

But I find the SIDS guidelines a bit difficult to understand and comprehend. It's no evidence enough based for me.

Of course I'm glad that the number of SIDS has reduced.

But Is still feels like the results are inconclusive and they don't really know why SIDS did happen so much .... so there are some suggestions to try and reduce risk. Fine.

Some of them are just common sense, removal of cot bumpers, that were once all the rage, lowering of temperatures of the room generally.

But it needs to be taken with some common sense. If not careful, it leads to over anxious parents feeling they can't leave their baby for a millisecond.
Which concerns me that so many parents are edging that way, because that feels so wrong.

Guidelines are fine. But I feel the SIDS ones need more evidence based clarification.

As a SIDS parent, I'd urge you to persevere and follow guidelines. I believe the most crucial ones are a clear cot and on their back but as the causes are not known, it really can't be said that any rule is more important than another.

Plenty of people ignore guidance and are fine, of course. This is their good fortune and I wouldn't rely on luck keeping my baby safe. Do everything you can.

Losing my child as they slept on their back in a clear cot but their own room - aged 8 months so in line with guidelines - is a devastating cruelty that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I truly believe they'd be alive has they still been in my room and that's not something you'd ever want to play on your mind.

why is it that when people say they formula feed they aren’t told off because it increases the risk of SIDS?

Oh believe me this does happen sometimes. It's another stick used to beat formula feeding mothers.

Duchess So sorry for your loss Thank you for posting.

Oblomov It can't be evidence based in that way. How on earth would they do a study of it?? One group of babies follow the guidelines and one group don't and see what happens?? They just can't. So the experts have to make their recommendations to keep as many babies safe as possible because in most, the cause of death is completely unknown.

Duchess so sorry for your loss

nooka thanks for that NYTimes link.

I don't know if I'd do it, but if you are, what about using a Snuza or similar? It is a device that clips on to babies nappy and beeps if they stop breathing or shallow breathing for too long.

FYI, my HV told me the guidelines are in the process of being changed from 6 months to 12 months for sleeping in the same room.

Atticusss The American Academy of Pediatrics went to 12 months a few years ago.

Rightly or wrongly we put our ds in his own room at 3 months

the guidelines are in the process of being changed from 6 months to 12 months for sleeping in the same room

All research which shows a better way to reduce to SIDS risk is good news, and any and all reductions in SIDS is a wonderful thing. I am so sorry Duchess for your loss

However sometimes parents cannot follow every single item of guidance to the letter and have to do their own reading and make their own appraisal of what they feel most comfortable with.

Like hundreds of thousands of other parents of small babies, I had a partner who worked often in the evenings and another small child to look after. For a few months I was fortunate that the baby would just fall asleep in his pram in the evenings and so I could keep him with me in the living room, kitchen etc (though I'm sure some else will come along and say that a pram is less safe to sleep in that a cot or basket, so that might not be ideal).

However once he got a few months older and wanted more of a routine and didn't settle so well with noise or light, then we had to think about what worked for us as a family, as individuals, for everyone's best interests. Could I ignore my older child every evening for several months because the baby wouldn't settle in a sling or on the end of their bed? Should I leave the older child to basically settle themselves to sleep for several months because the only place the baby was happy was in their cot, where I would then need to sit in the dark with them? Should I risk my own (at the time wobbly) mental health by spending all day alone with the children and then having to go straight to bed at 8pm every night, never being able to just watch half an hour of telly, make a phone call? Should I cope every evening with a wailing, distressed baby who just wanted to be in the dark and quiet to go to sleep?

There's no right or wrong answer to these. The guidelines are a package of recommendations, and in real life people end up making decisions when something isn't working for them - and particularly when there are more members of the family to consider than a new baby.

In an ideal world it would be easy to stay in the same room as a newborn all the time, but in real life there are often many things that make it harder. Which is why many parents do make the decision that for an hour or two, a baby may be settled without them.

I have a 6 month old, who was 5 weeks early. I didn't know this was even a thing until I started reading mumsnet threads by which point my lo had been sleeping in the early evening on her own (8pm bedtime) and had been/is fine.

Sorry for your loss duchess, just read your post and didn't mean to come across as insensitive

I don't think anyone has been insensitive and I understand how it can be impractical to sleep with the baby in your room once they outgrow a Moses basket or crib.

I put both my children into their own room from 3/4months as I felt we disturbed them and there wasn't a lot of room. I now have my older child happily at school and lost my younger at 8 months.

We can't be sure what causes SIDS but knowing the risk factors and not following guidelines, no matter how well informed you feel and no matter how confident you are in your judgement, leads to an awful lot of guilt if something does happen.

There is a move in the States to push the recommended age for sleeping in the same room back to six months and possibly down to four following recent research that everyone (including the baby) sleeps less well when sharing a room and the potential consequences of that.

This is the research paper in question. It's the full study, fairly easy to read and discusses the US recommendations in quite a thoughtful way.

pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2017/06/01/peds.2017-0122

Too many babies still die from SIDS. It is a very scary prospect for parents that of course they want to do their best to avoid and the most horrible nightmare for parents who experience it. Many many sympathies for them, including Duchesse here on this thread . I don't think it's helpful to present risk factors as causal. Bereaved parents blame themselves and torture themselves with 'what ifs' but the truth is that to date no one knows why the babies died. All researchers can do is to look at the circumstances and see if there are any patterns to be seen and then hope that their recommendations reduce future mortality rates.