Moving in MIL?

[Hannabee123]

Hi everyone I have a 4 week old baby and night times are currently awful.
My partner has gone mad at me because he wants his mother to stay nights and take her off us but I absolutely detest the idea.
I irrationally told him this morning if she moves in i'l leave. I've got no issues with my daughter knowing and seeing her but she is very rude and disrespectful to me.
It's my home I'm suffering from PND and I'm worried it will make it worse if she starts making herself at home and smothering my daughter.

I keep saying nights will get better and I'm doing what I can. Am I being irrational or should I just let her move in. I'm so lost

She lives around the corner 😕

It’s your baby, 4 weeks is super early, and you are entitled not to have your baby looked after by someone you aren’t comfortable with. Better your other half moves in with her temporarily if he really can’t stand the baby.

Can you have your mother to stay/go and stay with her for a few weeks instead if it’s that bad?

Do you feel you are coping and don’t need help?

This sounds like my worst nightmare, and I don't even have a bad relationship with my MIL.

Is this you and your partner's first baby? The first weeks are incredibly difficult, but honestly it will improve at around 3 months. You are absolutely right - things will get better. In the meantime you don't need a third person interrupting your important bonding time with a new baby.

If your partner is struggling, is it possible for him to sleep elsewhere for a few hours each night to get a break? I have a similar age baby and my DH sleeps in the spare room for now so at least one of us has slept and can deal with stuff the next day!

I am really glad I breastfeed so I can tell my MIL to give my baby back, or I'm sure she would be shoving her nose in more than I'd like too. BTW if you are bfing, overnight is a really important time to not be separated for your baby to stimulate your milk supply.

Good luck.

Just popping in to sympathise and reassure you that things do get easier. I spent the first four weeks crying and feeling like I couldn’t cope overnight. We’ve turned a corner and I feel a lot better.

Moving anyone in to my home at that time would have made things worse. You need space to get to know your baby. Your MIL is round the corner, there’s no need for them to move in!

My own family live quite far away unfortunately. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or being a shit parent because he says we need help all the time because she is awake most of the night. I feel like I'm doing the best I can and getting on with it.
He can go and sleep elsewhere but he doesn't like to leave me and the baby alone. I've told him many times to go away and he won't.

I'm doing the best I can I really don't want his mother staying the night. I would sooner move out. I want to feel like this is my home and don't want my depression getting worse but he's making me feel awful for not letting her move in

No no no no no! You are adjusting to a new baby, "we need help"?? Seriously? Does he say that about every new situation where there's a learning curve? Obviously a new baby will wake! Do not let anything upset the situation as it is especially withPND. Stand your ground, 4 weeks is way too early. Sounds like he's having a harder time than you and just wants his mummy around. You're strong enough to handle this, 9 months of pregnancy did not just happen for you to then give your baby to someone else for the night. Bond with the child, and don't let anyone get in the way of that x

Is it possible for yourself & the baby to stay with your family for a while ? I know you say they live a long way away but sounds like you would benefit from it.
What you’re experiencing sounds pretty normal tbh in the first couple of months with a new baby.
Your OH definitely has unrealistic expectations
No way would I let a rude & disrepectful MIL move into my home. If she was understanding & compassionate, I might do.
💐for you.

You posted about this recently. How much sleep are you getting? Can you and your partner do alternate nights if you have a spare room?

Honestly the last thing you need is help. You need time to settle into having a baby and she needs time to settle in to being a little human being, both take time and having somebody else in the mix causing stress and tension will kill the baby bonding time you're currently having
It's tough with a newborn but it'll get better, I promise,

Top tips - I didn't learn this til I had my second child

1. Sleep during the day ignore housework
2. If the baby is unsettled a little when sleeping just gently say 'ssshhhhh ssshhhh...' sometimes the sound of your voice is all they need, never turn lights on and only pick up if you have to

Enjoy your new baby 👶🏻

I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. He's acting like I'm the world's biggest dick for not letting his mom have my daughter all the time. I've told him to bugger off to another room but he won't.
I wouldn't even really accept my own mother moving into my house and I love her to bits. I cant cope with the arguing were having over this. He's giving me a really hard time for not accepting her help

Baby is still so little. I remember the hard night so well but it does get easier. As someone who had pnd I think having you mil there will only make you worse.
Take time to sleep when baby sleeps. You will all get there, tell partner give it time

Oh god no. Your baby is 4 weeks old so she is still so tiny. It does get better with time and of course practice. When my dd was 3 weeks I had to go into hospital for a few days, she came with me. When I came out my mil had come to help, I lasted 2 days before I made my dh send her home. If you don't want her there then you don't have to have her there. If he wants sleep that much then he can go and sleep elsewhere surely.

That would be my worst nightmare! You are definitely in the right here. It seems of your DP actually wanted to be helpful he'd listen to you and support you in doing what you want. Ie leaving you in peace at night. If he does move his mother in, leave xx

He has been going on about it for weeks and this morning he said it's going to happen so I said I'm going to leave. I think he's left it for now but as I said I'm more than happy to let her see her grand daughter but she's rude and disrespectful to me and always makes comments and diggs. With how fragile I feel at the moment I'm just not happy having her in my home overnight critesising me and part of my PND is an irrational fear that somenes going to take my baby off me. I know it sounds silly but I'm terrified. Of his mom having my baby away. She already makes comments about having her all the time and when I came out of hospital she picked up my daughter woke her up and carried her off into another room! She is awful I can't stand the thought of her "helping' in other words cuddling my baby all night and god knows what.

I keep telling my partner it doesn't take 3 adults or his mom to look after her. I'm capable I'm just tired and low and desperately trying to do my best for my lovely little girl

It sounds like he is really clueless and needs to listen to an expert. Can you make him be present for the next midwife / health visitor appointment so he hears it straight from them that this is just how newborns are and you are not doing anything wrong?

It sounds like it is him that needs guidance and information not you!!!!

When men feel powerless and ignorant they often try to take control instead of realising it is time for them to shut up - some men find it particularly hard with babies that they have to take a back seatbelt and let Mum lead for the first few months.

Have you picked apart what exactly it is he thinks his mum is going to do to fix everything anyway? Most likely she will get worse results than you because the baby will want it’s mother.

Babies frequently sleep for literally 1 hour intervals throughout the night at first. His mother isn’t going to magically change that.

Jesus, no, no, no. She must not move in. The first few months are so hard but it does get better. Definitely get the HV to talk to your DH about what is realist to expect in the first few months.

Have you concerned cosleeping? I did not do it until 6 months but would do it much earlier with a second baby.

Sorry to hear that.
Seems like your partner is being a big dick and instead of supporting you he is making your life worst. Obviously his mother is telling him too!
I've had the same situation when my first child was born, having my ex family members staying with me for 15 days and was hell on earth !
If he and she wants to dictate how you should raise your own child tell them to pxxx off ! They are using your PND as an excuse to take control over you.
If he insists in this leave ! Why don't you call in your own mum, a sister or a friend if you can ?
Or go to spend some time at your mum yourself .

I hope you get better and you sort it out ASAP. The baby will settle soon xxx

Let her come and stay with P.

Her house will be empty, so you can go there

I hope you're OK today.

My DH really struggled with dd1 - the sound of her crying used to go right through him. Stupidly I agreed to her moving in to her own room at about 4 weeks old and I don't think I've ever really forgiven him for it. He's normally fantastic but he found the early weeks of dd1 so difficult. He's been great with dd2 and 3 though.

Anyway, I wanted to say if you let your DH dictate these first precious (and simultaneously exhausting/terrifying/horrendous) weeks, you won't get that time back and it will fester.

Be strong and stick to your instincts - they're steering you right.

NO NO NO you can't let this happen!

Having someone you dont want there won't ease any of the stress on you, it will double it. Your dp is not listening to you and is putting his mother's wants and his own selfishness ahead of you and your baby. do you actually want to be with him?

I'd rather shit in my hand and clap than have my MIL move in and try to "help" with my children.

Ring your Hv and tell her what is going on, in confidence.
Then ask her to call when Dh is there and you bring up the matter of Mil.

She can then, strongly advise against it.

Also, she could give you some practical advice as well. My Dd is a Hv and they help with problems like this all the time and are always strongly supportive of the Mother and child.

Op, that's awful. How are you supposed to relax and bond with your baby when your dh is threatening this. He is being a selfish prat.

Do you have a sister or friend who can come and stay for a few days, and act as gatekeeper for you. ....do a few chores, is happy not to be hosted and will give you a chance to get into a routine?
If it were me, I'd have a bag packed just in case I needed to go and stay with a friend at very short notice.

Your instincts are spot on, don't give way. And don't take your eyes off dd for a second.

Get him earplugs.