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Parenting

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Original poster

Dad cant deal with crying baby

25 replies

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 10:28

My boyfriend loves our little girl and can be great with her until she starts crying and he doesn't know why. She is 3 months old and can get really upset some times (teething, growing pains, tiredness). But when she starts crying and he cant stop her he gets really stressed after like 2 minutes. He raised his voice and has a really * tone at her telling her to come on and stop crying. Last night he got so stressed he put her down on the bed a little roughly telling me he cant deal with the crying. I dont know what to do anymore. Its driving me crazy. I know he feels helpless as she settles for me much better than him but i explain to him that's normal. He gets upset that when I pick her up she stops but i try to explain to him that she can pick up that he ia stressed and angry. I just dont know what to do x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AmberTopaz · 27/01/2018 11:15

Do you have a nice HV? Could you ask her to explain to him that it’s conpletely normal for a baby to cry for no obvious reason, and he needs to be patient with her?

Make sure you don’t react to this by holding her more yourself. The best way for them to develop a bond is for him to cuddle her a lot (whether she’s crying or not). Maybe better if you leave them together when he’s holding her - baby might be more likely to cry if she can see you and wants you.

Just keep telling your partner that this is all normal, it’s normal for the baby to cry and it’s normal for him to feel frustrated about it, but this is just what being a parent is!

Rudeolf · 27/01/2018 11:18

Does he look after her on his own?

TeddyIsaHe · 27/01/2018 11:19

Well as hard as it may be you mustn’t leave him alone with her for any reason. He’s showing signs of stress and being unable to deal with it when she is crying, so do not put her at any risk with him.

Talk to your HV, they will be able to point you in the right direction of some support for your partner.

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AnyFucker · 27/01/2018 11:22

Get him out of your house

If you have to supervise his dealing with her, he is not a fit parent

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/01/2018 11:30

Tell him to repeat over and over and over again until it sinks in ‘this is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.’

Tiny babies are completely bonkers. There is no reasoning with them. He is the adult, he needs to keep calm and not read everything the baby does as being about him and his shortcomings.

Original poster

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 12:16

See they need the time to bond. He is great with her when she isn't really upset. He plays with her, cuddles her, feeds her, does nappy changes. He adores her. But when she gets really upset (bedtime and during the night especially) he cant deal with it and gets really annoyed and stressed. It's so hard! I try not to take over to give him time to learn but then I end up taking her as she is so upset and he is so stressed :(

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 12:17

“Does he look after her on his own?”

He wouldn’t be if she was my baby.....

Original poster

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 12:21

No he has only looked after her on his own like twice and those times my family were in the house anyway

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 12:23

Is it just the baby he gets impatient with?

Knittedfairies · 27/01/2018 12:24

If your family was in the house he hasn’t been left by himself with his daughter. I second speaking to your HV to find him some support.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 27/01/2018 12:28

Small babies are hard and stressful. It seems to be that he needs support not to be told he's not a good parent. I remember phoning my dh is tears when my dd was a baby cause I had got angry when I couldn't calm her. I had put her down and left her in her cot cause I was so stressed I couldn't cope. It didn't make me a bad parent it meant I was struggling. Speak to your HV. Babies are hard but it will all soon pass.

RosiePosiePuddle · 27/01/2018 12:34

My husband was like this and I never managed to figure out how to manage it. Instead I dealt with all the crying and he did the more fun stuff like bottle feeding dd (we gave her 1 bottle of milk a day while I breast fed) and she slept on him for at least one of her naps. So they got bonding time. I got the shit deal but it wasn't about me. Dd was the most important and developing a strong relationship between dd and dh.

Also your bf putting her down and leaving the room is exactly the right thing to do if overwhelmed and stressed.

Love51 · 27/01/2018 12:37

This is his problem. Ask him what he intends to do to solve it. Don't accept learned helplessness. The 'speak to the health visitor' idea is great, but it isn't you who needs to do that, it's him. He can ring on his lunch break and arrange annual leave if necessary.
You are your child's mother, not your boyfriend's. Dads can and do deal with health care appointments regarding their children. The health visitor is a family health visitor. In our area they can refer you on to loads of different support, I know that some of it depends where you live.

Original poster

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 12:38

No he can get impatient in general. He suffers with anxiety and did go to seek help just before Christmas for it but we went away to see family for quite a while at Christmas and he hasn't been since but he said he is going to call them up and start getting help properly for his anxiety and for that he gets angry too. He can admit he has anger problems and said he wants to get them sorted. I think it stems from his childhood but he can admit it

OP posts:

Rudeolf · 27/01/2018 12:39

Annoyed, stressed & angry.

Did he think it would be easy? This could go on for a few more years yet.

NerrSnerr · 27/01/2018 14:13

He needs to deal with this now. Children don’t get any less infuriating- my 3 year old just had a massive public tantrum because her dad didn’t open her milk properly. He needs to be able to deal with the irrational nature of parenting.

Original poster

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 14:26

I know i just dont know how to get him to. My little nephew is a handful and his dad gets mad at him and its so wrong! But my partner see that and thinks it's so wrong so I'm like why do you get mad at our little girl then?

OP posts:

TopBitchoftheWitches · 27/01/2018 14:31

How old are you both?

Original poster

Noodlee · 27/01/2018 14:42

We are both 20

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 15:19

Oh my word, OP!

Have you got somewhere you can go? Has he?

Qcumber · 27/01/2018 15:22

When I had DD I got PND. It was awful. Even 30 seconds of her crying made me angry and my brain just shut down and told me I couldn't do it. So I can sympathise with how he is feeling.
However, he can't use this as an excuse to give up and let you deal with her. He needs to see his HV or GP and tell them what's happening. They can offer him support.
In the meantime though, I wouldn't leave him to look after her on his own.
What helped me was my partner supporting me while I was trying to calm DD. So when I began getting impatient, DP would give me a hug, rub my shoulders, tell me I was doing I great job and that they both loved me. It really helped me get through some rough times, but still allowed me to practise calming her and build that bond.
Good luck OP and try to encourage him to access the support available to him.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 27/01/2018 15:27

‘this is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.’

YES. This is so true.

Beyond that - ugh, this is hard. I found the insistent sound of my own baby's crying incredibly stress-inducing, and I suppose it's supposed to be - that's how babies are wired to get their needs met. And yet I also immediately thought the same as others on this thread - fuck, in those circumstances I wouldn't want my child in the care of this person.

Children do throw up an awful lot of unresolved feelings about parents' own childhoods etc. I found it very hard allowing my child to be needy and demanding of me, when I'd never been allowed to be needy and demanding - horribly overused word these days but it was a v triggering dynamic. I saw a psychologist regularly during that first year and it made such an incredible difference for both myself and DS.

Believeitornot · 27/01/2018 15:29

Crying babies are stressful but you do not take it on baby.

To be honest, I would deal with bedtimes yourself because that’s when your tiny baby is most fractious and needs calm.

Let him take her for walks in the day not try and bond during witching hour.

Smurfy23 · 27/01/2018 15:33

DH also was like this when DD was tiny. He was fine unless there wasnt a clear reason why she was upset.

In those moments I would charge in and take over- like PP has said. It was crap for me but I have infinitely more patience than him. He is better at the being silly and making her laugh stuff.

He did the right thing by putting her down when he couldnt cope and I would say that to him but suggest he do it more gently next time.

It is a really tough time because Im sure they dont always know what theyre crying about sometimes and as PP its really not about them. Thats what I had to keep saying to DH. He got there eventually though and has dealt with those crying fits by himself too.

Adi123 · 27/02/2024 18:21

This is a ridiculous comment, just because someone is stressed doesn’t make them a danger 😒

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