Do I need a routine yet? Stressed and anxious!

[SuperSusan]

I've never posted before and despite my username (nickname from husband) I am feeling anything but super!
I have a 4 year old son, had PND after having him, used the Gina F routine with him from 10 weeks which made me feel I had gained control. It worked really well for him.
I work full time as a teacher when I'm not on maternity which contributed to me being quite anxious and doubting my ability to be a good mum. Despite my anxieties my son is confident and a lovely, bright, happy boy.
I now have a 9 week old daughter after having a very eventful c section which was traumatic. She was thankfully healthy and is thriving. I am bottle feeding. I feel down again because of the lack of control I have! I am trying so hard to chill and just go with her natural routine but then I get tired and try to timetable her. It then inevitably messes up and then I feel I've failed. I'm driving myself bonkers and am obviously so tired. She's outgrowing her crib already and so I'm
anxious about her being in her own room-I don't want her to be!
Sorry I'm venting. I don't feel I can say all of this even to my friends and family. I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't be a mum because I feel I am weak. Some people are single mums with 2 or more kids and cope more than I do with a supportive husband and family! It doesn't help that I have a friend who has just had a baby also and I keep comparing myself. She is so chilled and letting her baby lead the way. She is already in a great natural routine, sleeping well at night etc.
What I really need help with is - should I even be worried about routine yet? And how do I get over my worry that I am a crap Mum?

Nooooo!!! No routine at 9 weeks necessary! Start to think about it around 4/5 months but you'll probably be at 7 or 8 before you feel you have something you can rely on. Chilled mum here. I'm sure some people will be in the early routine camp but you'll only find it'll keep changing anyway! Let the child's natural patterns forge the routine. Reeeelax! The best kind of parenting advice for the first 9 months is 'go with the flow!!'

Just go with it. I found DD got into a semi sort of one by herself- first with feeds and then at around 5 months with naps. I, like you, found it unbearably hard but just trusted her to sort it out and she did. 9 weeks is still really really small.

Re: the crib, can you fit her cot in your room if its causing you anxiety?

Please don’t worry about a routine at that early stage; I got myself stressed feeling like my DD should be in one but once I relaxed it was much better and she fell into her own natural one between about 4-6 months.
I think that some babies are easy to get into a routine and make you think all babies should be in one but actually most aren’t and when you consider developmentmental spurts, sleep regressions, teething etc the idea of a consistent routine seems unlikely.

Stop being hard on yourself / trying to beat everyone else at this. It’s not a competition. Also you say your family are supportive and yet you can’t say you can’t talk to them about this. Why not? Is the truth that while you feel like the victim of your own high expectations, what you really want to do is make everyone feel bad about how you are better than them at everything, including this? Or will they laugh at you if you admit you are struggling?

That might sound harsh but often turning your perception round from feeling the victim of your inner spiteful voice is empowering and liberates you to from real relationships and be honest with your closest relatives and friends.

In the meantime this is not military training, it’s a baby, so stop trying to get 100% and Just trundle through it.

She should not be sleeping on her own until 6 months.

I think the hardest thing about being a parent to a new baby is the complete lack of control but once you relax into following their timings, whatever they are that particular day, it is much easier. As a fellow teacher I know if it so difficult when you are used to such a structured life but that kind of strict time routine is not good for tiny babies.

Do you think you might have postnatal depression or anxiety again? I think it would be a good idea to talk to your GP or HV as you could do with a bit of support.

On a practical note your DD should still be in your room, so see if you can find space for a cot in there.

Comparisons are never helpful, it can be depressing when others seem to have it easier, but honestly I think it’s luck and nothing to do with what you’re doing or not doing.

If you’d like advice on sleep and routines and things maybe your HV would be a good person to ask. I like this website as it has sensible and balanced advice:
www.babysleepscience.com

But I don’t think you necessarily need more (conflicting) advice, I think you need support to feel more confident in your ability to manage.

You are doing a great job

I would get some support for your anxiety. You don't need a routine and it sounds like everything generally is going well. But you aren't feeling good about it and it might be you just need to find ways to take care of yourself better. I would talk with your HV or GP. There are also some excellent postnatal anxiety and depression groups online if you'd rather reach other to someone that way in the meantime.

Thank you everyone. I've been reading these messages and doing some soul searching.
Some harsh words from one, but part of my problem is indeed that I want to be the best at everything. I've always had success in most areas of my life and I do find the lack of control unnerving. I wouldn't say I want to make others feel bad, but my issues of competitiveness and perfectionism are ones I need to address and somehow let go of.
I've had time to calm down and think logically about the crib. Have spoken to my husband and we are going to shuffle some furniture to squeeze her cot in.
I was seeing a therapist for my anxiety before I was pregnant and I think I may need to go back and address it further. Not good for either children, husband or myself if I'm a nervous wreck!
In terms of routine I will continue to try to follow her lead. I find the days are fine but she is so unsettled early evening it's exhausting. I will persevere! She is so different to my son and I guess I was naive to think she would be the same! X

I love routine and have had to really force myself to just 'go with the flow' in the first few months. It also didn't help that dc1 naturally did Gina Ford type routine from an early age, and dc2 and dc3 didn't want to do any of her suggested nap routines!

Dc3 is now 7 months and is in a kind of Gina nap structure. It all naturally kicked in at 6 months. Before that, I kind of did baby whisperer easy structure to my days. But I had to drop any ideas of following routines that I knew because he would only sleep for 30 minutes. I look back and wonder why I was so fixed on getting the routine, but I'm sure if I ever did it again (which I most definitely won't!) I would be exactly the same as I crave the structure to my day. I hope things settle down for you.

I think you are mistaking a perfect baby for perfect parenting. You need to parent the child you have not the imaginary perfect one you want. You can be the best parent to your child by responding to their needs not your own.

You are right Chaosofcalm - I think I am expecting her to fit my perception of the perfect baby - fitting the routine I want. That's the control freak in me! She is so much more relaxed and happy when she is allowed to just do her own thing. I'm going to make the biggest effort to back off and let her follow her own pattern.

I have never read the Gina Ford thing so not sure what it involves but I think it would be v tricky to stick to anything too rigid when you've got an older one too. The only thing I've done in terms of me setting a bit of a routine is try to get them to sleep when they've been awake about 2 hours because I know they'll be tired then. Other than that the younger one has had to fit in round the older one eg goes to sleep in pushchair on morning preschool run for first nap so this can be at variable times after he wakes up in the morning.
I hope you can feel calmer about it soon, I had an emergency csection with my first and I know I really struggled with that and sleep deprivation afterwards.

It sounds like having the routine for your first helped you. I can’t tell if it’s more stressful for you with this one that she doesn’t work so well with routine or that you feel you ‘ought’ to be going with the flow, but that just doesn’t suit your personality?

Is there some way you can get a little routine in the day to help you feel more settled, but that she will cope with - maybe the first things you do in the morning, or the bedtime stuff (I’m a completely go with the flow person by nature but I did a rough bedtime routine with all of mine from very early days). Or maybe just go for a walk at the same time every day if that suits you and she doesn’t mind pushchair or naps in pushchair?

I can guarantee there are other mothers looking at you thinking you’ve got it all sorted because of things you do that you don’t even think about. We all think everyone else has cracked it and we’re not cut out for it at some point I think. Noone is perfect, and we don’t need to be.

Hi OP, i don’t think you should feel bad about what you’re thinking.
You’ve suffered from post natal depression after your first pregnancy, had a traumatic second labour and the coping mechanisms you used last time (routine with DS1) don’t appear to be an option right now. That’s all really hard and not at all something you should feel guilty about.

I think mindutopia and NameChange30 gave important advice. It’s sound like things are going ok. Your are clearly caring for your children and keeping them happy, however you might need to talk about options of support for yourself.

Hope you feel better soon.