Advice from Mums please

[londoner86]

Hello all,

May I please start by telling you all I am not a parent but hoped to get advice from mums.

I am a final year university student and currently failing.

No one knows about my poor grades - no one.
I am feeling incredibly down and isolated, I am such a failure and feel lost as I have wasted 4 years of my life working towards nothing.
I have always been an A/B student never failing.
At university, I know I could have done better, i am so ashamed and disappointed in myself.

I want to tell my mum - i know i have to tell my mum but I dont want to disappoint her or make her worry or be ashamed of me as everyone expects me to do well and find a jobs...

My mum has sacrificed SO much for me to be where i am. I live at home and she has provided me with everything and has tried her best.

what do i do? how can i tell her that i am about to fail from university?

Mum's please tell me how you would feel if I were your daughter?
I know its my fault. I expected more from myself, i have no idea what to do after i fail...

sorry for the incoherent ramble but my mind is running in circles.

As a mum I think I would just want to get you home & give you a cuddle. Your post is sounds so sad.
Ring your mum tell her how your feeling.
Is there no way to turn your grades around?
If nothing else talking to her about it will help clear your head & focus better.
try not to worry too much op.
My favourite saying (as cheesy as it is)
'It will all be alright in the end & if it's not alright then it's not the end'

I second that, please do tell your Mum.
Take a deep breath and be as honest as you can. It sounds as though she will support you.
Also speak to student services or whoever is in charge of pastoral care at your uni as there is usually help for struggling students. It may not be the end of the world

I struggled at uni with Dyslexia and so failed some modules due to the style of teaching, once diagnosed I was given the course material so that I could learn it at my own pace and then take the exam. In my final year I was still sitting a yr1 exam. I passed it just fine but had fallen behind on other course work. Uni extended my coursework deadlines in to the summer, so that I could concentrate on final exams. I then handed in All course by 31August and graduated with the rest of my class.

Your uni are the awarding body for your degree. They have the power to change deadlines and agree alternative arrangements, but they need to know why you are struggling. You haven't said why. Obviously if it's because you've enjoyed the nightlife too much, there won't be much leeway. try to understand why your failing, so that you can work with uni to fix it. Best of luck.

My children are much younger than you but 100% if they ever felt like this I would want them to tell me. And for them to know that if they had tried their best (or, even if they hadn't, that they had done what they thought was best at the time), they would never be a failure in my eyes and that we would find a way through together. Just tell her I'm sure you will feel better for it.

I would want to hear about it in an email or some other written form. I'd probably freak out, but I would know that you should not be the one to deal with my feelings about it. I would want some time to process it and get my emotions out of the way. YMMV (Your Mum May Vary).
Tell her why you're failing, and what happened. If you're taking some steps to fix the problems, tell her what those are.

I would come and pick you up, give you a cuddle and take you for dinner if you were my daughter! I'm so sorry you feel like this .

If you've got to the final year you have passed the other years? Which means you could re-take the year possibly? I don't know if you might be able to switch to a different course for your final year, I know some universities do top up years.

Why don't you go and have a chat with your personal tutor and find out your options? Speak to student finance too and the careers department, then if you speak to your mum you will be able to give all of the options to her. If you don't feel up to that just tell her, and know it's ok to not do well sometimes - you have a whole life ahead of you and in years to come this will be a drop in the ocean of your experiences x

Thank you so much for the comments.

I am in no way a ‘party girl’. When I started university I didn’t make many friends and so as a result didn’t attend lectures as much as I should have. I know that is my fault. I was always so scared of failing that I put things off and off and off and suddenly it was too late to do anything about it. And it feels as if within a blink of an eye I find myself failing.

I love my mum more than words can describe; she just wants a better life for me with a good degree and a well paid job.
She sacrificed her life so that I can do better ( she had me when she was 21).
I have always been very close to my mum but when ever I have problems I hide them from her so that she doesn’t have to worry...I just want her to be happy and proud of me.

Is there any hope for me after I leavr with no degree?

I have already repeated a year so I doubt my university will allow me to do so again (my mum also doesn’t know I repeated a year).
For too long I have pretended like everything is ok, but now reality has hit and I feel numb and beyond ashamed.

Mums - would you forgive your daughter/child if this had happened?

What steps can I take going forth?

You poor thing - so sorry you're feeling like this. Could it be that it's all made worse because you feel it's out of your control? It will feel better once you've shared it, honestly, but I absolutely second what PPs have said - find out what the definite situation is with your supervisors/ director of studies etc. I would ask for a meeting and go in with an attitude of really wanting to turn this around and find out what your options are. With that in hand talk to your Mum. You'll be grand OP, one way or another.

So do you thinks it’s better to have a plan and then tell her?

I am still doing my exams at the moment and will receive the results in a month. Do you think it’s best to wait until then?
But the thing is I know I have failed. I have an exam tomorrow and I hardly know anything.
I will most definitely and certainly not be getting a 2.1 (the common uni grade) but I am aiming for. 2.2 which is still below below below average so either way I will be disappointing her.
I don’t know how I can live with myself
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply I just needed to get it off my chest and hear some mummy opinion.

I would be pleased to be told rather than you bottling things up and all sorts happening. Your mum might be a bit sad or even seem annoyed initially if the news comes as a shock but she will only feel like that because she will be worried about your happiness. You could soften the blow maybe by getting a bit of a plan b in your head.

A plan is good! 2.2 is not terrible and means you will come away with a degree, which is fantastic considering you don't sound like you enjoyed it. Good luck with your exam, it always feels much worse the night before.

There are very few things so bad that a Mother's love cannot surpass. I'm not saying she'll dance with joy if you get a 2.2, but she likely has the perspective and maturity to know there is a bigger picture. She will know in her heart that there are a lot worse things that could happen. She may be sad for your 'lost opportunities' (jobs you can't get shortlisted for with a 2.2 etc) but it will never stop her loving you.

Oh OP I just want to give you a big hug. University isn't for everyone, nor is it a major factor in people having a successful career. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself. Is the field you've been doing your degree in what you still want to do career wise? It's ok to change your mind what you want to do with your life.
Please please tell your mum what's been going on and how your feeling? All she wants ultimately is for you to be happy nothing more nothing less xxx