Child who cannot use a knife

[Funkyslippers]

One of DD's friends (year 4) comes over for tea quite a bit but she only ever uses a fork to eat. I don't usually say anything but last week I served spag bol and she used her fingers in place of the knife to pile the food on the fork. As a result her hands were extremely mucky throughout. At one point I saw her hand disappear and it looked as though she was wiping it under the table. I handed her a napkin but I am really against kids touching their food when at this age they should know how to use cutlery. How would you handle this? Say something to her or just make sure I have plenty of napkins?!

Yes ok, spag bol isn't eaten with a knife generally but some kids like to cut up the spaghetti*
*

An Italian would find this more barbaric than using a finger.

Come on OP, she's just a kid. She may have dexterity issues or just doesn't eat spaghetti much at home - and was perhaps too embarrassed to ask.

My 11 year old DD struggles with cutlery. She is autistic and has some fine motor problems, and that is just something that she struggles with, despite help and encouragement. Her 9 year old sister has no problems using cutlery, because she isn't autistic. I would hate to think that people were judging her (or us) over something she has very little control over.

Another one with an older (12 year old) who struggles with cutlery. We have spent hours upon hours upon hours trying to help him. He is very much as ittakes2 describes. Retained neonatal reflexes/ dyspraxic and finds cutlery physically hard work. It is improving with age and OT, but I think he will always default to fingers if he can.

An Italian would find this more barbaric than using a finger

I'm sure they would but I've seen it many times with non-Italian children.

I eat as much as I can with my fingers, even when out in public I pick apart all of my food and eat it like some kind of socially backward raccoon.

I do have hyper mobility, never thought to link not getting on with cutlery with it but it would make sense.

Cutlery is overrated.

My children could use a knife and fork (though spoon and fork for spaghetti Bol... and if you can’t chop the spaghetti with the side of the spoon it’s too hard!) when they were 2! ... though the delights of meals at school mean that sometimes seem to have lost the ability!!
..... could it be the little delight is just pushing her luck knowing you might not say anything???
Obviously some foods require fingers - but when cutlery is most appropriate it should be used.
If she genuinely struggles at least you’d know to advance chop the pasta and give her a spoon!

Ah I first thought the child was age 4.

But year 4 - yes she must surely have been given spaghetti before. No harm in showing her how to eat it. I would have given her a spoon and helped her to twirl it.

I just couldn't get worked up about another child s table manners. You could gently show the child how to do it but seriously wouldnt bother me if a 4 yr old sometimes used their hands to eat.

in Italy spoons are never used, except for children
Yes.

How fucking presumptions if you OP to decide the problem is her parents just never took the time to teach her how to use a knife.

Oh yes. It’s really that simple. Her parents just never thought to teach her. You brilliant thing you, coming to this child’s rescue.

Be kind to children who are guests in your home.

End of.

You're not there to them them, just to look after them.

I'm Italian and I used to cut up my spaghetti 'tll my mid-teens

I do have hypermobility and was very clumsy as a child...pretty sure I'd be tested for dyspraxia if was at school today.

I wouldn't say/do anything OP...if they don't use knives at home she's getting to see you do it and if its sonething like dyspraxia she might be really embarrased.

Just on the hyper mobility and cutlery - if your ligaments and tendons are lax then your ability to apply pressure to pens and cutlery is impaired. Dd uses special shaped cutlery (looks a bit like a trowel!) but still can't apply enough pressure to use a knife.
Dd has also discovered that it also makes applying the brake pedals on a bike difficult

I see it as my job to make my children’s friends welcome in my home. I would have said nothing or offered a spoon. It isn’t my job to educate re cutlery use.

Same goes with food likes and dislikes. I provide food that nearly all children like and this is almost always pasta Bol, fish fingers or pizza. If they like none of these, i offer a sandwich. I would hope my kids would try new foods at people’s houses, but if they don’t, they don’t.

I want kids to want to come back having had a relaxed time, not to feel as if they’ve had a lesson in cutlery use.

Who knows why those kids who don’t use cutlery don’t use it? Frankly, none of my business.

And I mean that I hope that, if offered, my kids would try new foods, not that I hope that they are definitely offered them.

Oh yes. It’s really that simple. Her parents just never thought to teach her. You brilliant thing you, coming to this child’s rescue.

Nice. I think you better hop over to the AIBU board where you belong

Funky, when you're on the receiving end of judgements constantly, which tends to happen if your child has an invisible disability, it's difficult to take posts like yours as kind or meaning well, because it just reads like the kind of thing we face every day, as people try to explain how we've caused the difficulties our children have.
Children tend to pick up skills like this, even working out how to eat spaghetti, without too much intervention, and if they don't, please don't automatically assume it's the parents' fault.

Op, I know you meant well, but if you think in reverse, you may see why you got these responces.

"My dd went to friends house and had meal with them. Friend's mother told her she had no table manners and taught her how to use cutlery. She was very sad and embarrassed."

What do you think people would respond?

someone else's kid, they can eat with their fucking feet for all I care

would be my feeling

And you didn't respond to any post pointing out that this child may have dyspraxia or hyper mobility syndrome. Neither of which you would be aware of unless Mum told you.

Tbh when DS went to tea with anyone else it would have been the last thing in my mind to say he struggled with a knife and fork. He managed to eat using a fork and so was able to get adequate nutrition independently. In my mind that was the main point of food.

However if he went to YOUR house he would have been judged.....and so would I.

Please don't say anything, that would be mean and embarrass her. I couldn't use a knife and fork for ages, didn't have the coordination.

I still struggle with a knife, undiagnosed but almost certainly hypermobility syndrome (it's genetic & both my dc have been properly diagnosed so chances are high). Obviously, being an adult I have learnt to get round this without getting my fingers mucky, but any time spent trying to teach me how to manipulate things in the "proper" way is going to be time wasted as there is simply no way my fingers will do that. I just spent my childhood thinking I was clumsy and stupid.