Toddler hurting me

[OneForTheRoadThen]

My 20 month old son has started throwing his toys at me, hard. He does it when tired, angry or frustrated but also when he seems to be happy. It's only me his does this too, according to nursery he is very gentle with the other children.

I'm 7 months pregnant and have to protect my bump so his plastic toys hit me in the face. I've been trying to deal with it calmly but occasionally it just reduces me to tears.

I also say 'no throwing at mummy', or 'we can't play together while you throw things at me' 'kind hands' and 'gentle' but nothing works. He laughs when I tell him off. It happens at least once a day.

Has anyone got any advice? He doesn't have any words yet but his understanding is good.

Time out. Don't give him any attention when he does it, just sit him by himself and tell him that since he threw toys at you, he has to be by himself for 2 minutes. Be very stern.

When he throws a toy at you , put it away somewhere for 24 hours. He'll soon work it out.

Exclude him. Ignore him, walk out, put him behind a baby gate. I know that gentle parenting is a big deal these days but hurting people on purpose isn't acceptable at any age.

I second removal of each toy he throws followed by time out for 2 minutes then an apology.

Oh and he doesnt get the toys back until he stops throwing them, he will soon understand everything he throws at you gets taken away.

At 20 months i wouldn't be using exclusion, or time-out, or taking away toys etc. I would take his hands firmly in mine, say "use gentle hands, that hurts Mummy" and demonstrate gentle touch. Every single time, the same words and actions.

Happy to be told I'm a useless hippy twat though

That's my instinct too @Greensleeves but it seems we are in the minority. I really don't think he has the understanding for time out and he doesn't have any words so couldn't apologise.

However I do have to do something to stop this. I may try the toy removal idea first and see if he puts two and two together.

This sounds really tough, especially when you must be feeling exhausted at 7 months. Could you avoid it happening by doing a sort of his toys and only having a limited choice at a time and those kinda being less painful? I worry that putting him on time out/ignoring him or removing the toys could just upset him without him being able to understand why. It sounds like he is wanting attention - do you think he is aware of how things are changing because you’re pregnant? This is a really good read: www.handinhandparenting.org/article/when-your-toddler-hits-you/ and mentions that laughing can also be a sign of them trying to release big emotions. Sometimes when my 17 month old is hitting and seems to be frustrated I try to redirect him to whack the sofa instead!

I agree with Eggs. My dd went through a (mercifully quite short)phase of hitting and throwing. I did all of the 'gentle hands' , 'we don't hit/throw' , explaining how it made me sad etc , all of which would, and did work with ds. Not with dd! I got very, very cross instead. Not out of control in any way but I got to her level and raised my voice, a proper 'No! You will not throw things or hit!'. Then I put her into another room over a baby gate for a couple of minutes. Then we had a cuddle and went about our day. I think I had to do it 3-4times before she twigged.

Posted at the same time 😊 Totally agree. Are you on the Facebook page Gentle Parenting UK? There’s often great advice on there.

I really have no idea @Sophia1984 . I wonder how much he knows about my pregnancy. He's just moved up to the toddler room at nursery too so that is a big change as he was close to his key worker. I just can't work out why it is only me he behaves like this with.

Thanks for the link, I'll have a read of that.

I think timeouts make sense from 2 years on, they just don't connect the two before. I'm so sorry, it must be really exhausting and frustrating.

We have the thinking spot (bottom stair). Ds has to sit for 2 minutes, he is then to say sorry exactly for what he has done, mostly biting his sister. It works really well and is a great deterant too.

I’d put the toy somewhere out of reach but in sight every time he throws one. Tell him while you remove “if you throw things, it goes away”. He’ll soon make he connection. Put the toys back when he’s in bed and start fresh each day.

Yes thank you. I think step 1 will be to remove the toys and see how that goes.

I’ve heard that toddlers express their emotions the most when they feel safe to do so- so when they’re with the person they have the closest attachment with. It’s sort of flattering in a way... (but very tiring!)

Punishing him will not teach him the skills he lacks.
You take a toy away - so he might (and I stress might) work out that he is doing something wrong. He might equally think that you're being mean. He definitely won't learn anything about how to manage those feelings and frustrations any differently.

Have a look for the book, No Drama Discipline

Mine started throwing toys at that age (mostly at his baby brother rather than me so I took it very seriously) Every time he did it I explained 'no throwing' and took the toy and put it on a high shelf for 1 minute. When the minute was up he got it back. If he threw it again I explained 'no, no throwing' and put it back on the shelf for 1 minute again.

I had to repeat myself a lot for about 3-4 days but after that he pretty much stopped.

Have a look at the book ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ mine is only 16 months and throws things so at the moment I’m using a mix of ‘we don’t throw toys/food, they hurt/make a mess’ and either removing things he’s throwing or telling him ‘you can throw a ball if you want to (or a soft toy) and giving him one and showing him where he can throw it (not at a person!). I don’t know about 20 months but at the moment I’m pretty sure he’d just be upset and confused at time outs but we are trying to set firm boundaries about what he can’t throw whilst letting him experience the activity of throwing (which is a developmental stage) in a safe way by redirecting him. No idea if it will work!!

My son recently went through a throwing phase, I'd remove whatever he'd thrown and not return it to him but also say something along the lines of 'No! We don't throw toys because they hurt. What can we throw?'. Then we'd grab a light plastic ball or a mini beanbag and throw that instead. He's quite good now at only throwing the things he's allowed to throw. I try to use the same principle if he hits me - get him to hit a pillow instead. Hopefully it will mean that if he can't overcome the urge for these unwanted behaviours, he might carry them out less destructively, until he grows out of them. Hope you find a solution that works for you.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I have just ordered the books and I've joined the Facebook group

I would go with taking his toys away. If he was throwing something like a book or glass or whatever you would remove those items from his reach. He will learn cause and effect this way. Time out at that age will not work IMO.

Take it away, but not punishment stylee, just say, "No, toys aren't for throwing", and put it out of the way, and find a soft ball or something appropriate instead.

If he hits you, you can say firmly "Ow, that hurts mummy. We don't hit/we use our hands gently".

Don't give him time out - totally inappropriate developmentally - a 20 month old isn't going to understand that at all.

It'll pass!