Am I a bad mum

[user1479246102]

I think ive messed up my 2 childrens lives....I have 3 children but my first 2 are with a different man...ex husband.
They are 5 and 7 and we split when my youngest had just turned 1. He had been having an emotional affair vefore he decided he didnt love me...walked out and got with this OW soon after.
For years I have tried my best to keep things between me and their dad amicable but he made this difficult and turn quite bitter once he learnt I was in a new relationship.
The kids go to their dads every other weekend...he picks up from school on fridays and drops off at school again on monday (he refuses to give me his address) I know what kids are like at this age in that they tell stories to each parent about the other...try and bounce us off one another...I dont take what they say to ne about their dad too seriously as I know they are just tales (unless I had real cause for concern of course) but their dad takes everything they say seriously and pulls me up on it. A few examples are:
my eldest had (according to her dad) told him she drinks apple cider when she is here with me....My daughter has no clue what cider is when asked, we call it dirty beer around the kids. But my ex now thinks we give her alcohol.
They also told their dad that they watched a scary film with them and now they dont sleep at night and is 5he reason my youngest is still in nappies at nights.
What happened was me and my partner were watching the film in bed at night and we think the kids could see it through the crack in the door and came in and asked about it.

They tell me things that their dad does but I take it on the chin...I dont question them or ask their dad because I know its just tales.

Sorry this is long...

My youngest has behaviour problems but seems to behave at his dads....when he was playing up tonigt (after being at his dads all weekend) I asked him if he would prefer to live with Daddy as he isnt silly there....I know I shouldnt have said this to hin but Im frustrated that he plays up here and not at his daflds and his Dad fills my childrens heads with BS about me...calls me a liar and a bad mum....but I wouldnt dream of bad mouthing their dad to them. Are thay going to grow up resenting me??
I seem to ve always shouting at them...and I know its no excuse but I feel under alot of stress and Im taking it out on them. They are probably better off with their Dad to be honest....because if they carry on listnening to what their dad says to them they will grow up hating me...

Sorry this is a log post and I probably havent made any sense...im just writing hings down as i think. Thers alot thats gobe on but this post would be much longer....

To start with - No you’re not a bad mum.

The kids aren’t silly; Me and my ex are separated and my 6 yr old tells tales; some true, some untrue - to both of us - I ignore it now unless it is to do with her safety.
If he is bad mouthing you they will know who is the parent saying things; I never speak about my ex and dd knows that it’s him that says bad things.

If you really thought they would be better with their dad you would have sent them to him - you’re just projecting you’re insecurity - which is fine btw I’m not having a dig :-)

Your son probably plays up with you because you have him most of the time and are the one doing the day to day stuff - probably telling him off where his dad probably doesn’t if he’s anything like my ex.

You’re doing fine! They’re happy and they love you :-)

Agree completely with the above poster - keep ignoring anything they say not to do with their safety at their dads.

If their dad takes the bait then don't engage. Just say something along the lines of "we parent in different ways and I am comfortable with how I parent" and repeat until he drops it. You know what's happened and he's already decided that he isn't going to listen and just wants a fight. Don't feed the drama - trust me, your life will be so much less stressful!

With regards to your DS only playing up with you - my DS used to do this when he was younger. He is still difficult the day he comes back as he adjusts - I just enforce the rules rigidly and calmly and give him lots of hugs in between. It used to drive me up the wall but his key workers explained to me that it was far more common for children to play up with the resident parent. It isn't a reflection of your parenting, it is more that they feel more comfortable pushing the boundaries with you because they know they're safe with you and they trust you. You're always there, whereas Dad is only there a couple of days a week. It's just the way the majority of children process things. And it does change as they get older, I promise.

With regards to shouting all the time, ask yourself what it achieves. We all lose our temper sometimes. I know I'm grumpiest if I'm tired so on those days I make sure I'm very conscious of that and if I feel myself close to losing my temper I'll remove myself from the situation, eg put a film on for DS and go have a coffee in the kitchen. Gives us both a breather!

Thank you so much for your replies...im sorry it was abit of a mish mash post!

I try so hard to ignore my ex's comments...but I feel if I dont respond to them it makes me look guilty.

I use to lose my temper alot and its down to my son lising his temper too...i guess Im not settig him a good example...I just need to learn to move myself out of the situation like you say and go have a coffee (and chocolate) in the kitchen...

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I would ignore any digs from your ex now on, also most parents of DC that age spend a lot of time preaching to them about right and wrong. Mine drive me batty. Also they behave for him because they likely feel more scared of consequences with him, probably just more comfortable with you. It's like when kids go to school, good as gold all day and are feral upon hometime!