How many chances is enough? Rubbish dad.

[jklyui]

Hi all,
I need advice on whether to walk away or to stay and hope he changes.

We have a 3 year old daughter who is pretty much a normal 3year old, moments of pure lovelyness, moments of tantrums, everything.
The issue is my partner always says he feels like he should never have been a dad (he's 25, I'm 22, she was planned) , he loves her with all his heart but he can't put up with her. He's progressively got worse with her as she's got older (but he was always away when she was 2). He doesn't play with her, it's like it's a burden he has to put his damn phone down for 2 mins and do anything. She repeats everything at him, 'daddy what's he saying' about 4 times before he'll bother to reply to her and then have the cheek to have a go at her because she's repeated herself and to stop because it's annoying.
If she has a tantrum, its a screaming match between them and he will get right in to her face and scream at her, it's vile to watch. He'll grab her arm and practically drag her to her room screaming and then claim that wouldn't hurt her and that I should be backing him up. But it's over things like she didn't want him to read the story, shed like mummy so she rejects him and that sets him off. Or she doesn't like her dinner and so it will be shouting and to room. If it's me I say that's fine don't eat it then, however there will be nothing else and you will be sitting at the table with everyone else, and that's it a little whine and everyones happy again.
But any tantrum and argument they have he'll then just ignore her the rest of the day or tell her off for anything and everything.
During these times if i step in, then it's diverted at me he'll happily push me and scream about how he hates both of us, then after I've calmed her, reassured her that daddy does love her I go in and have to listen to him playing the victim about how he knows he's rubbish blah blah.
I'm at my wits end, he plays the dad and partner of the year to everyone and I just sit her thinking what the hell am I going to do, I can't live like this for much longer.
I know he was pushed around, made small etc as a child but surely you don't then do that to your own family, the people that are giving you countless chances.
Every week he'll say he's not right in the head, that he needs help, but he never does anything.
What can I suggest anger management? Counselling? If he doesn't give them even a try I walk away?
I'm scared of throwing it all away and not giving her a 'family life' and I'm currently studying with open uni, so he is the only financial support we have. I really wouldn't know where to start.

I think you need to leave sweetheart.

There will be solutions to the financial side of things. You can get advice from CAB and your university

You may want to give her a family life but really there are all kinds of families not just the traditional mum and dad together. The main thing is that she feels happy and secure.

He can do anger management on his own if he so desires.

Good luck

Why should a three year old have to live with that?

Just leave.

Maybe if his mum had taken him away from being pushed around then he wouldn’t be as he is.

Someone has to break the cycle.

As a girl your dd is more likely to learn how to be a victim than a perpetrator but either is possible if you stay with him.

I am male, does he need specialist help ? Does he have a form of post natal depression? Or has he seemed enough help.

If he has and this is his mind set, is it worth your daughters happiness, probably not. Is it worth your happiness probably not, so if that's the case then it's black and white i would say.

Please don’t subject your DD to his behaviour. I’d tour ant leave for yourself do it for herz

I think he is depressed/ has bipolar. He's very over the top or very low with everything in life (not just us). He has to be liked by everyone and has done some horrible things to me in the past (cheating, lying about me) all things which I've forgiven and he's owned up to people that he's lied, our life got a lot better and now it's just this.
This is why I hang on that he could change for her, it's just how long and she doesn't deserve it.
I do love him with all my heart but I've just suggested he goes to the doctors to find coping mechanisms and anger control or he needs to leave. I was very final and firm, he isn't happy, but he knows he's the problem even if he does deny it.

I think you need to seriously think about at least living separately to him while he a) realises that he can’t keep doing this and b) gets some help to change.
The way he is treating both your daughter and you is abusive and there is no excuse.

I would walk away now, giving him the opportunity to change and prove himself to have done so in the future. Staying isnt giving your daughter 'family life' its causing untold psychological and emotional harm. Your job first and foremost, above all else, is to protect her.

Any one of the events and behaviours you describe are grounds for serious concern. This is damaging for your dd. You have to consider separating.

My gf's ex was like this. In fairness the poor bugger has a fairly unfortunate cocktail of depression, OCD and ADHD that wasn't exactly making it easy for him. Not that my gf was going to let that keep on ruining their children's lives.

Anyway, it turns out that when he gets twelve days to himself he does a pretty good job as a 'every other weekend' father, probably has a better relationship with his girls than he could ever have managed if he lived with them. He just couldn't handle it as a day-in day-out existence.