Dads Visitation

[Alice3214]

HI. I would like to know the rights of a father when it comes to having a 6 MONTH OLD, overnight for the whole weekend. The dad and me split when I was just 2 months pregnant (I wont go into any details). I think he is a good dad, but he can be a bit controlling at times. He has been demanding this since she was 1 month old. I have said no everytime I have asked. I have said 'not yet shes way to young not to have mummy around'. I dont BF, But i still think a baby under 1 year shouldnt be away from there mother that long!

Considering the facts. Together within the last 6 months, the dad lives 300 miles away from me I live in Kent and he lives in Yorkshire (UK). And he was here everyday for the first 2 weeks of her life, and has come down at least 1 weekend a month since, (Minus one as he was busy one month moving). Working it out in my head, I think he has spent less then 30 hours with her. She still doesnt know who he is, and cries when she is around him.

The last time he came, he would just sit there and hold her, and I would say she wants to move, and play or at least see your face, he just stopped listening as he hadnt seen her he wanted to cuddle, I understand his wishes but for 2 HOURS straight!! He also hasnt changed a nappy or made a bottle or fed her since she was 2 months old.

I honestly think, not yet is a reasonable response, as I dont think he or my daughter is ready for that long. I have agreed however to visit his parents home (which is where he stays) and hopefully get her used to the surroundings, and have also said to come round inbetween the hours of 10 and 4! 4 aclock is her bed time (She then wakes for an hour at 10.30) and she gets up fully at 10am. I dont see the point in comeing before or after to watch her sleep... Anyway. Eachtime he has come he has stayed for less than 3 hours, the moment she falls asleep he goes, or stays and tells me all the things iM doing wrong in a very condensending manner.

We are taking it to mediation in 2 weeks time. It will be a long process as he lives far and will need to come down for a pre meeting and a joint, but I was just wondering if you think he has a case to win this..

I have said to him, the cab and a solictor. That I have never stopped visitation (I have threatened a few times in anger but never followed through).. and have said he come everyday of the year inbetween 10 and 4 if he likes.. I just dont think overnights or a full weekend or day is okay until he has learnt how to be a proper father.. and I think I need to trust he can do this before I allow it.

DO you think I will win the case what do you think?

So other than the first 2 weeks if her life he has met her 4/5 times? No way would my baby be going to spend a whole weekend 300 miles away with a stranger (to her!)

I'm sure some experts will come along in a mo but 2 things strike me:

1. You have in the past threatened to deny him visitation - don't play this game and I wouldn't be impressed if I was a judge.
2. How is he supposed to become a proper father if he doesn't spend time with his child without you? It's reasonable for him to leave when the baby is asleep as otherwise it's just weird. What standard are you using for him being a proper parent? I have come to value now I'm getting older that most people parent differently - it doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong just a different way of doing things which sometimes can be better.

Does he take her out when he visits?
Is there a chance that he could visit and stay overnight in a hotel with her close by?

It does sound like you are being very restrictive.

Mediation is not about winning.
Its about working out how best a child can have a relationship with both parents.

I may have worded a few things wrong
I don't mean win I just mean do you think they will agree that he needs to get to know her a bit more as I don't think mediation is the way to go anyway, I think ATM he should get to know her a bit more.
I do leave the room sometimes for hours at a time and have suggested he stay at my home while I leave bit he shrugs of any alternatives unless it's what he wants, he has been a control freak in the past and I still feel this is what he is doing now, I attend to her when I hear her crying for more than 10 minutes (my baby doesn't cry so I know it must be serious)
She would stay in paddock wood (10 miles from me) for the weekend with him and his parents.
He has never suggested taking her out for a few hours, he just demands a full weekend. I just feel she needs to get to know who he is before left for a full 2 says without me around, as he has even said or I should say threatened that if I want her back.. he wouldn't (as I can't do that). I honestly feel like I should have that right to ask for my child back.. it's a must in the states and is even kidnapping if the mother wants them back!!

I'm just at a lose at what's best, he doesn't want anything I suggest and just wants to take her for a full 48 hours! Without getting to know his daughter, and her getting to know him.

I think in a adult aspect. I wouldn't like to be taken by someone I barely know for 2 days to a house I do not know, without anyone around I don't know, I feel it would be terrifying if not taken slowly!

I dont know him but reading what you are saying he does not come across as controlling about this but you do and I understand why.

Look at it from his point of view. He has to come to your home. You leave the room but you are only a few feet away and come bk when your DD cries. For him it probably feels like you are constantly monitoring him. Watching him. Its not easy to relax and enjoy time with his child under those conditions.

If his parents live close by why not suggest on his next visit he takes her to see them for the afternoon?
It is not all weekend or overnight as he wants but it does mean he can spend time with her without the pressure of you hovering around.

You say she doesnt know him and until she does you wont allow overnights but you are not actually allowing him to parent her on his own or get to know her.

I honestly think mediation will help in this situation.

I've suggested days out, I've suggested leaving the house, I've suggested taking her to the town, I've suggested almost everything he has said no.. he wants overnights and a full weekend without getting to know her and no work up to it. For one I know he hasnt got everything she need...for one he doesn't have a bed for her to sleep in at his mums or a bouncer or a highchair what does he expect to do with her leave her in her pram or have her on his lap all day. He needs to start getting everything I've got, start with afternoons/parents house. Not go full wack..

I know I sound controlling but how can I leave my baby with a stranger for a whole weekend. When I know she cries around him constantly, she doesn't cry so this is a bit scary for me. She doesn't even allow anyone else to feed her or rock her to sleep I just worry she won't be happy.

When you say you have suggested he go out/leave the house is that with or without you?

As for him getting all the stuff you have whats the point? He foesnt need it as you wont let him have overnight contact and why would he buy it only for you to still say no?

I really do think mediation is the way forward if he is refusing everything but over nights.

BIL wasn’t able to have DN overnight as a baby as his ex was breastfeeding. The court ruled that BIL would have 1 day for a period of time, then 2, returning DN for the over night. Once child was 1 the court ruled full weekends, first including Saturday night and then Friday as well.

I don’t know what the court would rule for a formula fed baby, but they seemed pretty reasonable when BIL was going through it.

I think overnight or a weekend is too much at this stage and definitely requires working up to it. I can see you’ve said you’ve suggested that and he hasn’t done it so I think at mediation that’s what you need to say and that you aren’t saying no but just don’t think your baby is ready for it yet. He needs to be used to the daily tasks before starting suddenly be doing them all. Do you know his parents very well? Would speaking to them help as his mum might understand where you’re coming from and help him understand.

I’m quite anxious about leaving my 8 month DD with her brilliant dad for a weekend soon just because she isn’t used to me being away for longer periods of time so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

Thank you user1493413286
I'm glad there is someone out there who understands and agrees! You say 8 months! Before me and he started arguments I actually agreed to allow days (not nights) for a full weekend once or twice a month at 9 months and then when she is a year a full weekend! At first he did agree with this but since has got a new girlfriend, he decided to ring and let me know he know longer agrees and has decided to take me to court/mediation.
Since then his relationship with ourdaughter has been slightly different.. I don't know if it's that or not, but I always said 9 months as I think by 9 months she will understand mummy's not there but it's ok, daddy's safe.
9 months in tummy, 9 months with mummy!

I have been told by a few people (legal) that is is plausible.

Also to the people above, I have said without me multiple times, he refuses everything! We have come to at least 5 different agreements but here's backed out do them all. Which is why I said, I believe me saying not yet is plausible... what if changes his mind again and decides nope I'm not coming I'll be there in 2 weeks! My child is not gonna have any sense of routine or be disappointed quite often!

Anyway thanks for the advice