How to stop getting angry

[PearlyGatesMontenegro]

I have a DS who is 16 months old. He's a bit wild, into absolutely everything, throws everything everywhere, won't sit still for 2 mins, has the attention span of a goldfish, needs constant attention etc. But is also loving and cheeky and hilarious.

I keep finding myself getting really angry with him when I tell him no and he doesn't listen. And I will admit I've smacked him (not that hard) more than once I get so upset with myself for losing it and I really want to change this. I know it's me that has the problem and not him, he's a baby and doesn't really understand but I just get sooo frustrated with him just doing the same things over and over, I feel like I'm shouting 'NO' or 'STOP IT' on a loop all day because he's goes on a mad one doing things I've told him not to. I know it what's toddlers do and he's exploring etc but I just can't stop getting so wound up. He also looks at me with this face as if to say, I know I'm not meant to be doing this, but I'm going to do it anyway cos I know it will spark a reaction.

This morning I've tried staying calm, and explaining that no, we don't do that etc, but he's been reeeeally pushing it, and after the 20th time of doing the same thing. I've snapped and screamed at him he's now sat happily and quietly playing with his toys.

I'm sat here crying because I'm such an awful Mum, and wondering how I'm going to get through the next 17 years of parenting and not fuck him up completely! Just don't feel like I'm cut out for this. Me and DH want more kids but no idea how I would even cope.

He's also not been napping great during the day (night sleep has been all over the place too but seems back on track now) and I get so angry, he screams and screams and chucks everything out of his cot. I get so angry then too.

DH can be a little bit shouty too so we both need to adapt a calmer approach, but I am definitely the worse of the 2 of us. DH was bought up in an abusive household and really doesn't want DS to grow up being screamed/shouted at, or hit.

Please help and don't be too harsh because I already know I'm an awful mum right now

I was a bit like this with my first. In hindsight a know it’s totally fruitless. I was just clueless and desperate but they don’t understand shouting. It just scares and confuses them and makes you feel like shit.

All that worked for me was keeping busy and occupied, preferably out of the house which has the added bonus of keeping the place tidy

Oh and on the more kids thing, I am much more relaxed with my subsequent children.

Can he walk ?

My dd is 23 months and has loads of energy .
Often soft play or park will mean she's calmer once home .

I agree that getting them out of the house works, and make sure they burn loads of energy.
But we all lose it with our kids and scream occasionally. It’s when it’s a daily occurrence that you need to watch it. Try ignoring him when he’s naughty.. go off and do housework while you calm down

Op first of all try having a confined space for him that has nothing he can damage in, think large playpen, small spare room if you have space, with babygate. ideally with a tv out of reach.

you can then walk away for a few minutes when you are struggling to keep calm, let him yell if need be and even resort to headphones if you really need to.

I had 2 Dcs 16 months apart and had a large play area gated off, all toys lived there and the tv was visible so l could put a DVD on when l needed to cook etc.

I would go in and play with them, ste them little activities etc, but could slip out to do things knowing they were safe. I could see them from the kitchen too.

Pick one thing he needs to listen to you about each week , put a star chart up and explain if he does it for 3 days he will get a star each day and agreed treat, add new things.

Stop shouting though or he will just learn to shout all the time and not listen.

Good luck

put a star chart up and explain if he does it for 3 days he will get a star each day and agreed treat, add new things.

I doubt at 16 months there would be any understanding of this .
They don't understand consequences at this age . My 23 month old dd would have absolutely no clue being good would get her a reward

Yes I remember being so frustrated and angry from about 16 months - 2.5 when I could finally reason with him.

He's nearly 3 now and absolutely fab. Hang in there, it will get better but this 'stage' does go on for quite a while so you do need to get a handle on your anger and your expectations of him.

I'm not saying that I'm 100% calm and patient all the time but I am positively zen like, compared with a year ago and the ability to properly communicate really does make things easier.

I also only have one child so can't comment on that side of things but I imagine it is infinitely easier than trying to juggle two or more.

Thank you all for the replies.

I think it's harder that he won't 'play' properly, he just chucks stuff everywhere and makes the biggest mess or wants to climb all over the sofa, or pull all the dining chairs out and climb on them or climb onto the coffee table or just mess with things that he isn't meant to (even when they're out of his reach, he's constantly trying to get to them).

He does have a playpen but he won't play in it for too long, he screams and throws all of his toys out. I actually have to leave the room for him to actually play quietly in there, which is fine some of the time when I have housework or washing to be getting on with, but not when I just want to sit on the sofa with a cuppa and chill for 5.

I try and go out when we can, but DH works a lot and I don't really like going out with DS on my own, I find it really hard to get us both ready and out the house (I'm a bit of a home body too ) and don't really have any friends with kids of a similar age 😔. I can't even leave him to his own devices and chill on the sidelines for a bit when I take him to playgroup etc cos he is just into everything, I'm worried he's going to hurt the other kids by throwing toys at them and he seems determined to hurt himself too.

I've actually been a lot calmer this morning, taken deep breaths and not really had to shout. Going to walk to my parents this afternoon where he can chase after the cats and my parents can chase after him 😂

There's a book called peaceful parenting that is really helpful about this.

Also, they say that when you get angry, sometimes it means you need to reassess your expectations of the child at this age, but more usually it's a sign that next time you need to set your limit a lot earlier.
Good luck!

Getting out (even though it feels so hard to sometimes) is likely to help so much with his behaviour. Being able to run around in a park or wood or swimming or toddler class (even if it is awkward going at first) would probably help both in calming his behaviour as hes have more outlet for his energy and in breaking up the intensity between you both. Everyone looses it sometimes and parenting in the early years is especially hard. That doesn't make you a bad mum xxx

Me and DH were talking last night and both agreed to lower our expectations of him. It's just hard because he has a good understanding of some things, so it's really easy to assume that he understands everything, which I now realise that he doesn't.

I will try getting him out more, and work on my own stresses and anxiety about it.

Thank you for not judging me, I feel a lot better knowing it's not just me that feels like this

Also think will be waiting until he's a bit older for more kids cos I don't think I could juggle him and a baby at the same time right now, probably wait until he's at least 3.5-4 years old.

Pink I'm so jealous. My DD turned 3 yesterday and still not able to understand a lot of what I try to explain to her. Even "She's/he's coming back" when someone leaves the room or similar, she doesn't understand.
Going to have to see a specialist I think :( x

You really need to get him out of the house, OP - at least once a day for an active toddler. It'll help him run off some steam (it doesn't have to be even at a playgroup/playground/anywhere structured you need to worry about behaviour or other kids - a local playing field/wooded area or something where you can just pootle about with sticks and puddles is ideal! It'll help your own mental health and confidence no end of you can start doing that, too, and then you might feel less worried about playgroups etc.

It's a testimonial age, but you do sound particularly overwhelmed - there's absolutely no shame in getting support for yourself if you need it. If you have good health visitors (ONLY if they're good!), they might be a useful first point of contact. Or GP. Take care - if you can get the pair of you out, no matter where, you'll both start enjoying things more

Sorry, testing age!

Babyproof the place as much as possible and lower your expectations.

Honestly at that age I let DD run riot at home as long as it was something that could be cleaned up afterwards. I mostly took her out to parks where she could just run, run and run some more.. think I might have finally tired her out now at 2.5

Put him somewhere safe (his cot maybe) and go and calm down for 5 mins. Yes he may scream but he won’t come to any harm. Better screaming for a few minutes than you getting really cross.

Also agree with getting out. Even with ds (now 11) he’s like a dog. Needs exercise and to run off energy or he’s unbearable

its hard isnt it? This is what worked for me when mine were that age.

Get out the house as much as possible. Leaving house is tough but its worth it.

Walking instead of car- chilled both me and dc out. Pushing the buggy became my me time

Exercising whenever i could. It would have a big impact on my patience and mood for 48 hours after.

Good luck. It gets easier.

He is 1yr 4 months he truly doesn’t understand yet.

Reaching out is the right thing to do but also relax a little.

Is it so bad if he throws things? Is it that dangerous? Of course he is into everything, he is exploring his world. Toys are not always that interesting

Smacking him at this age is totally pointless and is a sign that you have lost control. If he likes throwing things why not buy him one of those ball pits? They are cheap and the plastic balls don’t hurt

I think you need to got out of the house for fresh air and exercise every day - with raincoats and wellies if the weather is miserable. You could take him to the park, run around the garden, scoot along the road, collect stones and sticks. Anything to get him running and burning off energy so quiet play at home is more likely when you get back.

If you find it hard to get out, think of ways that could help you get up and out quickly with him. Pack a bag the night before with snacks, nappies etc. If his sleep is ok in the night, it helps enormously if you get up and ready before he does. Then you're not playing catch-up and trying to get ready whilst he's into everything / hungry waiting for breakfast etc.

I agree with the exercise thing, I'm really struggling as my DS isn't walking and taking him to the park doesn't really help as he just sits on a swing or a roundabout. Crawling about the library helps but I can't do that all the time, when there is no playgroup on, I'm stuck.
If you've got a local soft play place, that's good. I've tried getting a taxi to one but it cost £35 and that's before paying to get in and have a coffee so it won't be a regular thing.
I can't wait til I can just let him loose running about in the mud!

It's hard I've struggled mine is nearly 3 and I still don't always have a handle on my shouting but I am trying.

Have a read of this it might help explain why he's doing what he's doing. Which with me has helped me manage my anger. They don't do things to make you angry most of the time they literally cannot stop themselves.

www.nature-play.co.uk/blog/schemas-in-childrens-play

I hope the link works.

Also try to learn to say yes. If it's not a danger to him others or really crossing your boundaries allow it. If so see what you can allow him to do that is safe, then guide him to doing that instead. Where you're fulfilling his needs and at the same time distracting him from the dangerous.

Hey, great advice on getting out. I would also set the bar lower and think of what are ‘no go areas’ eg for me hitting other children and throwing food on the floor. If however I’d left a laundry basket by the washing machine and he starts taking it all out, I’m I going to tell no? No I’m just going to move it.

Also if you are constantly telling him not to do something then can you for now remove the ‘thing’ eg our toddler loved trying to climb some kitchen stools despite me telling him no, so I just moved them upstairs.

I’ve also found recognising positive behaviour much more effective, with over the top excitement say ‘ well done XX Mummy is soo impressed that you didn’t put your food on the floor, wow I’m going to tell Daddy’

When it’s realky tough I count to 20 over and over in my head to stop myself loosing it.

Set yourself little goals of, for one hour I’m not going to say ‘no’ unless it’s one of my 3 no go areas etc.

It really is so so so hard and I don’t always achieve it but I feel amazing when I’ve got to the end of the day having not shouted.

Another voice for getting him out of the house every day. I don't think whether you are a homebody or not is really relevant: taking a child out for fresh air is just one of the jobs you have to do as a parent, so you do them.

If at all possible, get him to a park where he can play on equipment or fallen logs or something to get the exercise and physical stimulation he needs. Also simple things like walking down the road and looking at leaves and birds. Splashing in puddles. Use reins if you are worried about him running away (though obviously now while climbing). Invest in a second hand snow suit so he can move around freely without getting cold. Toddlers are like puppies: they need exercise.