I am despairing with DS2

[saltire]

I am finding myself getting more and more stressed every day.
Every day is a battle. He has the concentration of a worm, and I just find it hard to deal with. He takes ages to do homework, he gets 2 lots on a Monday, to be in on the Friday, plus reading twice a week. it took him 2 1/2 hours to do 5 sums the other night, in the living room, with no TV, no distraction from his big brother. He often comes home as well with work he hasn't finished in class, and every day before lunch they have what they call "golden time" where they get to choose anything they like to do. DS2 is lucky if he gets golden time once a week as he always has to catch up on work he hasn't finished, or do it at break time or lunch time. I have been up at teh school loads of times. His teacher says he can do the work (I know this, he has proven to to me), but that he doesn't concentrate, or doesn't seem to understand the instruction he has been given. He also does a programme called "Jimmy Russel". don't know if anyone has ever heard of it, to help his gross and fine motor skills and his co-ordination and balance.
He is a January birthday, which in Scotland makes him one of the youngest in his class, but we are posted down south soon, and he will be in the older end of his year group, which I worry about. He also does a lot of his letters and numbers back to front, and DH and I worried that he was dyslexic, but the teacher says it's because he is left handed, and doesn't correct it, which I think is wrong. We also have ( or at least I do) battles every morning getting him ready for school. he goes up at 8am to get dressed, if we lucky he is dressed by 8.30, but he will have come downstairs without his sweatshirt and shoes and when I send him up for them, he comes down with something completely different! Every day this happens. Some mornings I end up dressing him (he's 7). He doesn't like school, and I think this may contribute to his work, but he can do teh work. He is always complaining that the teacher shouts at him, or tells him off, and says that other children distract him and then he gets the blame. I don't really know what sort of advice I'm hoping to get, I just needed to get it off my chest.

I have a 7 yr old dd who is also the youngest in the class (end of aug birthday). I think it is something to do with the age of them because mine is so similar. She also has extreme difficulty with maths, can't grasp it at all but the teacher says it's not that she can't do it more that she won't. Every night we battle with her going to bed, every morning we battle with her to get ready for school. Mine loves school and is generally a very good girl there, but the teacher told me that this is a difficult age. I bought a book called Talking to Tweenies, which I really need to read more because it is really helpful. My friends all have similar problems with their children with something - be it sport, maths, english, whatever. Maybe at this age they become more aware of what they really like and don't and just can't be bothered with the things they don't like or aren't very good at. I don't know, I just know you're not alone and I despair most days with my DD.

I don't know how to advise but them not correcting when he does it wrong is not helpful, that happened to my ds and it took me 3 months of home ed to retrain him to write from scratch, the right way round adn correctly adn he can actually do it, but my ds was the same and still takes ages to write, he had the same issues with being sent home to catch up at night and losing goldentime, it turned out he was trying to figure out how to do the letters and form the letters and was too embarrassed to ask for help adn so took ages/gave up. My ds needs lots of time to write, you could ask the teacher to bre more patient as writing is harder for boys/left handers and mroe encouraging. if he gets help for motor coordination stuff, they should be able to realise that will affect his writing skill and speed.

Are you sure in yourself that it is not dyslexia? My DS2 is 10 and has just been diagnosed. The relief that I can step back from the homework that is taking too long or too difficult and suggest we do something else instead. He is less tense since the diagnosis and that weekly homework battle is not happening. Just a thought that you might want to pursue it. The new Additional Support for Learning Act in Scotland says parents can ask for any test they want for their child.

From reading the OP it sounds as though these are things he can't do rather than won't do. If he has difficulties with sequencing then it may well affect things like being able to dress himself, completing work, forming letters etc.

IMHO he needs the teacher to help him with his letter formation rather than just leaving him to it. It seems odd that the school has recognised that he has problems with motor skills yet can't understand why he doesn't finish work as quickly as everyone else. I must admit that the first thing that came to mind when reading your OP was dyspraxia rather than dyslexia. I don't think that the teacher telling him off or shouting at him is going to help tbh. If anything it will just put him off school.

Thanks for all your responses.
Coppertop, I have wondered in the past if he had dyspraxia or dyslexia, but didn't seem to fit any of the criteria for a dignosis.
Another thing I am finding with him ( I thought about it while I was out for a walk) is that he is getting increasingly agitated and almost aggressive if something doesn't go his way, and shouts a lot at his brother, mindees, me, DH. For example he shouted at mindee4 this morning because she was talking and he was trying to finsih off the homework. Now admittedly she does talk, and talk and talk and never really stops. BUT she was sitting the other side of the room talking to DS1. DS2 however just got really angry sounding. I don't know if all this is realted. He also gets very upset very easily now, which he never used to do, It's almost like, the only way I can descirbe is how I get when I have PMT. I can get upset over silly wee things and he is like that at the minute.

Sherbert, thanks for that about tests in Scotland, but I don't think we would get it done before we move, we go in 5 weeks. (actually writing that down is making me panic)

Let me know how you get on, because that sounds like DD too. I am seriously thinking about getting her tested for something, though what I don't know. I just don't know where to turn really, and I am sure you are the same It's sounds awful, but it makes me happier than I'm not the only one.

saltire what are his strengths? What is he good at or does he really enjoy doing? Maybe focus on those to try to get his confidence back.

If he is dyslexic, even mildly so, it will definately be effecting his self-esteem, there are many dyslexics who don't fit all the criteria or only struggle with some aspects of it. It could also be something else mild like ADD or aspergers? I don't know your son though, only you would know if these are possibilities! (but it could explain the agitated aggressive tendancies, although that could also be a side effect of the frustration he feels at not being able to do his work quickly)

Sounds like a move to a new school will be a good idea, especially if his current teacher isn't helping him with letter and number formation!

If I were you I'd push for dyslexia and pyspraxia tests, even if just to rule them out.

I hope your DS starts to enjoy schjool more when you move.

I have a DD who is 8 and has dyspraxia. We've cracked the morning dressing thing. All her school clothes are kept downstairs, there's space in our kitchen so they are in a drawer in there. I put them out at night so in the morning the first thing for her is to get dressed. We are downstairs so can keep a close eye on her without us feeling we are looking over her shoulder but will spot if she puts her top on the wrong way, forgets her knickers etc ! Then she has to put her shoes on about 15 minutes before we leave so plenty of time to spot is she has them on the wrong foot etc.

I know that's just a small part of the problem but though it might help a little to know what we do.

chocolat that sounds a really lovely way round that issue; helpful but not pressuring iykwim.

Saltire maybe he feels pressured which is why he's starting to explode a bit at home as in with the mindee; he must feel hassled all the time at school to finish stuff, etc....

I feel sad for him. School sounds like it must be quite a joyless experience. oh, and I'm left handed and did write a few letters the wrong way round, I think that could be right about him....learning to write when you're left handed can be really tricky.
He is still only 7 and he will get it right, I wouldn't focus too much on whether the teacher corrects it; when he can 'see' it for himself, he will change it.

I think if it was me I would simply not allow him to spend two and a half hours of his precious home time on his homework. He needs some time to be his own self, free from reminders about school. Give him say half an hour to do it and to be honest at 7 I would expect to help him alot with it rather than expect him to do it alone. Just get it done and move on so you can have fun.

If school is problematic as it is, then you need to create a haven at home for him. Don't let the school drag him down at home too!

and if he brings home work to finish, again, give it a set length of time and let him do what he can in that time, with plenty of input from you.

It's good to support school and show him education is important to you but I don't think it's healthy for his difficulties simply to be sent home to be continued there. If he isn't finishing work then difficult as it is for the teacher, they need to help him more or get a TA to help more.

I agree about the homework issue. When ds1 (now nearly 7) was taking ages to do a piece of homework which should have taken about 10 minutes, his teacher said that he didn't have to finish it. She said that he wouldn't have to stay in at play-time to finish it as long as we had spoken to her about it. At this age I think they're expected to do about 10-15mins.

We have a similar system to ChocolateTeapot for dressing. Ds1 gets dressed downstairs so I can make sure he has his clothes on the right way round, his shoes on the correct feet, and that he's remembered to put his pants on before his trousers.

When you move it might be worth asking for a referral to a paediatrician, even if only to rule out problems.

Good luck with the move.

chocolate, good advice. However DS doesn't get things the worng way round when he's dressing, he just seems to take forever to do it, and it's almost as though he forgets what he is supposed to be doing. he has a very vivid imagination and plays with his toys for ages making little games up, his current favourite is Dr Who, so he has made a tardis out of a tea bag box and has got some of his toy dinosaurs out using them as creatures for the Dr to destroy!
I sounded a bit sceptical about thte left handed/letters the wrong way round thing because DH and I are both left handers and never had this problem. I do worry about him because he does seem to genuinely dislike school, yet has lots of friends there and seems to enjoy playing with them. he must also listen and understand some things because they did a project last term on the Egyptians and DS2 raved about and talked about it for ages and told us loads of things about them and seemed to really enjoy it. So if it's something he enjoys it doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. The missing out on golden time and break time bothers me a bit as well, ans I often ask him who he played with at break time and he says "no-one I was inside finishing my work". Last year's teacher was great, she introduced a gold bar system, every time a pupil did their work they got a gold bar, when they had 10 gold bars they got 5 extra minutes of golden time. This years teacher though keeps saying that they are in P3 so shouldn't need those kind of motivations. However she has a "merit sticker" system, and DS2 only has 30 merits, whereas sosme have nearly 100. We made a huge fuss of him when he got to 30, let him choose somehwere to go for lunch etc as a treat.
DH gets quite impatient with him, whereas I tend to try and help him more. DH will ask himt o do soemthing, like "bring my slippers down please" and he will either forget what he's getting or get something completley different

Thinking about it I agree with Coppertop about a referral to a paediatrician to rule out dyslexia & dyspraxia. I have read your first post again and I think the fact that there are issues with his gross& fine motor skills, co-ordination, balance, concentration and reversing letters means that an assessment would be a positive thing.

It's not just the putting things on back to front with DD, she has concentration issues and is really easily distracted, so we have to gently remind her to continue dressing. He sounds very much like her in some ways with the imaginary stuff, she loves doing things like that .

saltire, my DS sound's quite like yours although he's only 5 but he's been diagnosed with a language disorder. His speech is ok, he's quite articulate really, he just doesn't understand instructions well in class. We were told by the Educational Psychologist who saw him recently that when this problem is unidentified children can go onto dislike school and start getting angry and frustrated. I don't want to scare you or upset you at all but I just wonder if your DS may be reaching this stage? It could be a knock-on effect from not understanding things properly: giving up before he's started, not concentrating IKYWIM.

We've started speech therapy with my DS and already we're noticing a big difference. For example, he was getting stuck with more than 4 part instructions and having meltdowns - now he is going beyond that and learning to ask for help if he gets lost. She also works with him on sequencing. Agree with what Coppertop says about that.

Re. the letter formation, is the teacher qualified to make a diagnosis about your son having dyslexia, or not?

I don't know how it works in Scotland but we saw a developmental paed who referred us to an educational psychologist and we finally got some answers after 2 years of head-scratching. Could you do something like this? It really does help when there is an explanation for their behaviour and there is also so much help for them.

Finally, and sorry it's so long(!) but have you had his hearing tested?

Just read your last post saltire - DS listens very well and understands everything that he is interested in! A common problem I think ...

oops IYKWIM!!!

saltire I think he sounds absolutely gorgeous btw. It's basically a shame that a boy who has such a capacity for enjoying learning, and for creativity and imagination, is having this crushed out of him by the school. the more you say, the more I think the school could be doing more. As a parent I think it's time you withdrew your consent to him missing his playtime each day, or at least make the school really justify themselves to you; are they giving him enough help to get his stuff finished? Have they set the work at the appropriate level for him?

The teacher does sound a bit po-faced about it all; removing those lovely sounding incentives because SEVEN YEAR OLDS shouldn't need them? WTF? Are they adults then? Even adults like incentives and rewards!

I think thhe school are allowing a lot of pressure to build up on your ds. How would the teacher be if you asked for a meeting?

Ok, thanks again fro replies.

Castles. He had a hearing test last year, as he kept complaining of hearing a "train going along a track" type noise in his ear, and he was actually turning the tv up really loudly and didn't seem to hear us unless we were infront of him. The GP said his tubes were all blocked and gave him sudafed (which did help) and referred him to the hearing clinic, because she thought he might need grommits. Anyway they said there was nothing wrong with his hearing, and that the sudafed had cleared up the problem. I might wait until we move to get see what his mes school is like and how he gets on - it's only 5/6 weeks away, and having a different persepective on it (from a different teachers point of view I mean) might make a difference.

Also you wrote this bit here
"We've started speech therapy with my DS and already we're noticing a big difference. For example, he was getting stuck with more than 4 part instructions and having meltdowns - now he is going beyond that and learning to ask for help if he gets lost. She also works with him on sequencing".
DS seems to struggle with lots of instructions, and meltdowns happen a lot, but not just about school or at school, he does, as I said in my first post get that way a lot of what I think are silly wee things but are obviously a big deal to him.

Sunnysideup, I have had meeting with the teacher before, at the start of term (back in August) she suggested a sticker chart just for him, it would be kept in his school bag, she wouldn't make a fuss about it in school, (thus taking away the potential for him being picked on by his classmates). It did seem to work, he was always so chuffed when he got 3 stickers in one day- the chart was divided up into morning, after break and after lunch. We made a huge fuss and praised him lots when he got 3 stickers, adn one week he got three stickers every single day, so he got a treat. Then it gradually got phased out, and he seeemed to be doing ok, but we seem to be back to square one again. I had a meeting a couple of weeks ago, and all she really said was what I said in my post about the letter formations, and it being a left-handed thing. I voiced my concerns about going to England and him being one of the older ones in the class, and she seemed to think this was fine, nothing to worry about

saltire, my DS has had quite a few ear infections and although his hearing is fine now, we've been told he's probably been quite (temporarily) deaf at times in the past This has probably caused his language delay because at key times of development (particularly 2-3.5yrs) he couldn't hear well and probably gave up trying to understand if that makes sense. Makes me feel terrible to write that down. Also probably explains why he's catching up so quickly now, though with help.

A referral to a paed or EP might be able to pinpoint a problem like this for you. Just a suggestion but it's always worth exploring all possibilities imo