Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU?

18 replies

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 12:50

Hey everyone,
Not sure if this is the right thread to post in but i'm really concerned about my 3 year old niece. My brother and his gf split up a few months ago. He moved back in with my mum to save some money and my niece stayed with her mum. My brother works hard as a postman. He gives her £200 a week and at the end of every month he pays everything for her i.e her rent and all her household and personal bills. After work every day he goes to spend time with his daughter and shes always hungry. He feeds her, plays with her and has to bath her and put her to bed. Before he leaves he has to clean the house and wash up, she never does any of it. He gets back to my mums around 9 at night. He isn't home more than 30 mins before the ex is ringing him, screaming and yelling about how my niece has got out of bed and he has to deal with it because shes tired. Every saturday night my brother stays over at the exs house but he has to sleep on the floor in the living room with my niece. There is no discipline in the house and ex never takes niece out anywhere. Ex never lets my niece have any toys either. My niece has said a few times that mummy just looks at her laptop all day instead of playing and gets mad when she wants attention. Ex calls my niece all kinds of names and is never loving towards her. I'm concerned that when my brother isn't there ex isn't looking after her, even feeding her. I don't know what to do as when i talk to my brother about it he says thats what his there for so someone is doing it but I don't think that it should just be down to him. If he doesn't do something, i.e court, to change it, i'm worried my niece will never get the care she needs and deserves. Should I call social services if it doesn't change?
Thanks for listening to me ramble. Any help would be appreciated.

OP posts:

MrsBriteSide · 18/01/2018 18:31

To answer your question, no, I don’t think it’s your place to call SS and I think that might be unnecessary as your brother seems to be doing enough to pick up the slack.

It sounds like the mother needs some help. What’s your relationship like with her? Can you offer to go over and help mind your niece? It’s hard work keeping a house tidy and caring for a child on your own. She might be a bit depressed. That might be your best course of action to help your niece. Good luck

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 20:26

Thanks for your answer. I understand what your saying. I know calling ss is extreme but I'm honestly concerned for her. My niece doesn't even get fed till my brother gets there, which is always around 3 in the afternoon.
I've tried to help her since my niece was born. I know it's hard, I have 3 kids, one has autism and epilepsy, on my own,so I have always tried. I also had postnatal depression with my first.
Thanks for your advice. It really is appreciated.

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 18/01/2018 20:29

From what you have said I would make a call to SS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 20:42

Thank you for your answer.
I would prefer to help without getting them involved, but I'm not sure what else i can do.
Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Mrsjellybum · 18/01/2018 20:45

I would seriously be thinking about calling but understand your apprehension. It could always be done anonymously
Don't forget SS are there to try and help families stay together and have many resources and groups and services they could offer them. Maybe it's the kind of help she needs x
Hope u get it sorted

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 21:02

Thank you so much for your reply.
I think that's what I have been worried about. I want her to get the help and support she needs without having her feeling that I or anyone thinks she shouldn't have her daughter. I don't want her to be taken away, I just want her taken care of and safe and want ex to be happy too. I care deeply for all of them and nothing i try helps.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate all your help.

OP posts:

Mrsjellybum · 18/01/2018 21:10

Hope u get sorted @cherryclr
I'd be interested on any others opinions x

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 21:18

Thank you @Mrsjellybum
I'd appreciate any opinions at this point

OP posts:

C4rollinandventing · 18/01/2018 21:22

From your post it does sound as if your dn is being neglected when her Dad isn't there, rather than ss I would urge you to call the nspcc they are much better placed to put in additional support for the whole family, they have the necessary funding to arrange treatment for depression, teaching parenting skills or providing companionship. They will also know very quickly if ss input is required from a safeguarding perspective.
Trust your instincts on this.

Good luck.

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 21:34

Thank you for your reply.
Do you really think nspcc would be better then ss? Has anybody had experience with either?
Much appreciated

OP posts:

Snoopyokay · 18/01/2018 22:27

I would be asking your brother if he has considered applying for full custody? Sounds like your ex sis-in-law is struggling. You sound like a lovely Auntie.

Redcliff · 18/01/2018 22:50

I also think he should go for custody - sounds like that would be more stable for his daughter.

Original poster

cherryclr · 18/01/2018 22:54

Thank you for your reply.
I haven't asked him, as the intention isn't to take my niece away from her mum, just to find ways of helping her to cope and to care for her.
I have wondered about whether it would be a good idea to suggest that he takes my niece to my mums house for the weekend so they have their time together and mum gets a full weekend to herself, but not sure if that helps through the week.
Much appreciated

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 19/01/2018 08:57

I think it’d be fair to call social services but their first question to your brother will be what is he doing to protect his daughter as in why is he not taking over full time care of his daughter if it’s so bad. I understand he works but it’s his role to step in if her mother is doing all of that.
If everything you’ve said is what is happening I think drastic action needs to be taken. What were things like before they split up?

Original poster

cherryclr · 19/01/2018 11:42

Thanks you for you reply.
I think another reason he hasn't done it is because he only has a small room at my mum's house. There's not much room.
Much appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherryclr · 19/01/2018 11:44

Also things were tense between them before they split. My brother had slept in the front room on the sofa for about 2 years.
Much appreciated.

OP posts:

Chaosofcalm · 19/01/2018 11:58

Your SIL needs help and it is the role of SS to over that help. SS don’t just take children into are, they work very hard to keep a child in the family.

If your DB is passing information on correctly is maybe that your niece is being neglected and/or being emotional abused.

NSPCC would just pass the info onto SS.

Mycashybear · 19/01/2018 13:02

I would not call SS for the negative impact that would have on your DB. I would however talk to your brother. I think you said he was still doing everything paying large sums to ex. Perhaps if he stoooed paying all of that he could use the money to provide a home for your DN.
I know it would be ideal for her to stay with her mother but sometimes it’s not always the best thing.

Flip