How to raise resilient happy girls?

[growingweeble]

My DD1 (age 7) really struggles with friendships and gets really depressed and anxious. I find it really hard to deal with as she is attracted to the sassy girls and strives to keep up with their focus on looks, getting onto tv, whose got what clothes, toys, etc. The latest battle has been around getting ears pierced... which I said no to as I don't think it's appropriate for a 7 year old. But, the level of upset this has caused I just wasn't prepared for. For now the battle is ear piercing. But, it will always be something and results in her being discontented.
Does anyone have any support or advice on how to encourage more resilience in girls who struggle with this kind of thing? It's such a stereotype and I find very difficult to deal with as I dislike the focus on material, shallow and bitchy things so much. My other DD just naturally isn't interested. What do you do when your kid is drawn to it like a moth to a flame and seems to have no power to deal with minor setbacks, not being the prettiest (in whatever way that is being viewed that week), having the best clothes, toys etc etc.

I am no expert, but some of the things I do to help with this are:

We have tried to find physical activities that the dds like and are good at.

Join a performance group as a way of bolstering confidence.

Do some extracurricular activities so my dds have opportunities to make friends away from their main school group.

Reading books about friendship, and talking about what being a good friend looks like.

Trying to primarily compliment kindness/behaviour rather than looks.

I also host quite a lot of playdates/help with childcare, particularly with kids who I think the dds have a nicer friendships with.

I don't think you should view the other girls or their interests as 'material, shallow and bitchy'. Both of my dds are interested, to some extent, in this kind of stuff and, although I agree that 7 is too young for ear piercing, I allow them to indulge their interests because they enjoy it. Of course, I also try to encourage other interests which have nothing to do with appearance or pop culture. I don't think my dds are shallow at all. If your dd loves this stuff and you show that you hate it, she could feel guilty about liking it. It's great that she is different from her sister. Celebrate that and encourage resilience by letting her be who she is and getting through the harder patches.

In the nicest possible way, you are not asking for tips on resilience but on how to make her comply with your own personal preferences. I see myself as a fairly strict mum, at least in terms of basic manners, not being greedy Graham, encouraging gratitude for the things my dc do have but children have their unique personalities and to me it sounds like you are suffocating her interests. Whilst I would not encourage ear piecing at this age I would suggest you need to pick your battles.

What are the things that your dd is intrinsically drowns to? If clothes and 'girly glitzy' things, go with it to a point. Don't force her into your view of what's nice and not. Let your dd2 take the lead and learn about what makes her tick and support that, she needs it.

*drawn to

In a nutshell, being listened to and not constantly being negatively judged for being herself and having her preferences will make her feel accepted and good about herself hence more resilient. That's my theory anyway.

Teach her to celebrate herself not her belongings or people's perception of her

I think if you downplay any upsets about things like who has got the newest toy or clothes etc. So acknowledge that she's feeling bad about it but then try and move quickly onto something more positive like how she is doing in trying a new hairstyle, or in any clubs etc.
I'm no expert but it might be worth a try.
If it was just that she liked girly things then fine, let her get on with it. But I don't think that is what you're saying.

Join the Brownies! Their programme focuses on what you would like for your DD.

Get her involved in a sport so she will mix with girls who are interested in stuff other than material possessions and looks?

I’m not speaking from experience as my DD is only a baby but I am a Brownie guide leader so have some experience of girls your DD’s age. Sounds tough - good luck.

Yep, I hear you that an interest in fashion etc doesn't make you shallow and certainly not bitchy,... but it can be interelated and in our case it is. There is a small group of them whose main interest is the above and it is resulting in undermining, comparisons, feelings of insecurity, etc.

Also, if I had my time again I probably wouldn't have said no to ear piercing if I had I known how much it would upset her. But, I said no and can't go back on that now. Also, it's ear piercing now, but it would just be something else. In a way it's better to deal with this now than in 5 years.

Has anyone read any books to enhance resilience as it is that which I am really looking for. Ways to manage friendships, have a strong self identity,...

I agree with the pp who suggested joining groups outside of school, drama? Horse riding? A sports club?

Search for “A Mighty Girl” on facebook. I think that’s what you’re looking for.

Here’s a link (if it works!) www.facebook.com/amightygirl/

Search for “A Mighty Girl” on facebook. I think that’s what you’re looking for.

Here’s a link (if it works!) www.facebook.com/amightygirl/

Agree with PP that sport is a great counter to peer pressure to be a princess. I was eternally grateful for my sport all though school. Gave me a reason to be in a tracksuit, not wear makeup and, later, not drink in night clubs. I didn't want to do any of that and being a junior GB athlete gave me a good reason, that everyone accepted, not to.

I have one & no idea how I got her. Sorry. Her brothers not so confident. Genetics seems to be a factor. DD is also much greedier than her brothers. A healthy streak of selfishness seems to help.

There's Steve Biddulph's 'Raising Girls'. I don't agree with everything he says but one part I liked was where he talks about helping your daughter to find her 'spark'.

I agree she’s too young to get her ears pierced. Can you take her shopping this weekend and get her some nice clothes (her choice of nice!) or some sparkly lip gloss or something? Show her you’re trying to compromise.