Help! I want to leave and never come back

[Mac71]

I am a single mum to 2 boys 12 and 8 YO. No family nearby and no particular friends. Their dad died. I used to have friends but they fell away as I can't get out to see them or go places. I work full time on my own. My older son will help at home if I ask him, for the most part he will live in squallor if I let him. He doesn't see when there are dishes, or ironing to be out away. My 8 yo challenges everything I say. I'm just exhausted. I try so hard to do things with them, but in return I get a compete lack of respect which is unbearable. I have no family to turn to and I'm with the kids all the time. I now dread weekends and school holiday time. I want to leave them and just never come back. I have a wee bit of money saved up to do it and a passport so I could just disappear. Or I could just leave some evening and go out and do something that normal people do. Eat a meal without a row, have a glass of wine in a bar, go for a walk. I have no life and I resent the boys for it. They know it and I know it. I have destroyed any chance of a good relationship with them and now all I look forward to is them being 18 and leaving. This is all so so wrong but I just feel done with it. I need help and I don't know how to get it.

That sounds so hard. I feel for you.
There must be a way through, do you have funds for a babysitter or cleaner?

You need time for yourself, you deserve it, and somehow you need to carve that out.

for you.

Hope you are ok op. Parenting board can be quiet, you could also post in chat. Don’t despair, you can get through this.

Don't despair. You should not make decisions when you are exhausted. Any chance you can get a friend or relative over to look after them for a week or longer while you go away and take a break to think things. Could you afford an au - pair perhaps that can help you on the ocassional weekend for you tohi have some time for yourself.

Parenting is relentless and it sounds like you have so little support that unsurprisingly, you are desperate for a break. I'm sorry things are so difficult.

I think trying to find some respite might help. Babysitter? Farm them out to their friends for an evening? Get them signed up to cubs / scouts (camping trips over several days). Also, it sounds like you need someone to talk about all this stuff. Counselling? Family worker at the school?

Agreed, a bit of time away from them might really help you all. What part of the country are you in? Could you go by train to visit friends or family and just take some electronics to keep them occupied on the way?

I am in a similar situation. I am on my own with ds, his father died. I have struggled to maintain my friendships because my life revolves around ds.

I find that I am feeling less anxious and happier since ds has become a bit more independent. He will now do alot of things on his own such as playing with friends outside, going to a holiday club, going to football lesson. I get some much needed time to myself while he is doing these things and it helps me alot.

We have gone to church a few times to see if it can help us make friends. Alot of people have been nice and friendly to me and ds enjoyed making friends at Sunday school. We might continue to go because I do worry about my lack of friends and family and ds seemed to enjoy it. Is there somewhere you could go as a family where you can all do something you enjoy and you will meet people?