Childminder and separation anxiety - 10 month old

[CautiouslyPessimistic]

My lovely 10 month old daughter is having a wobble at the moment - she's with a minder 3 days a week and has been with the same one since 6 months. The minder was away visiting an unwell relative for 5 weeks over Christmas and this coincided with an extended gap in work for me so I just kept DD with me for those weeks. I'm starting to think that was a mistake.

DD has always had a little cry at drop off but not for more than 5 minutes and has then settled well. Since we started again after Christmas DD has not settled at all. She's crying hysterically at drop off and not cheering up all day. She's refusing to let the minder feed her and won't be put down.

None of this is like her at all - she's a really cheerful baby and a good eater. When I pick her up she cheers right up again and seems fine.

What's bothering me is that the minder seems completely thrown by this - I'm getting messages all day with sad-face emojis about how upset DD is and being asked to pick her up early. I'm already feeling really upset about all this and doing a lot of thinking about whether we could afford a part time nanny instead or if I could cut back on my hours and have her in childcare less, but basically I feel like the minder should not be more anxious about this than I am. I shouldn't be having to reassure her by text at work when there's literally nothing I can do. It's making a really upsetting situation much more stressful.

I emailed an alternate childminder to suss out availability the other night (I was having a wobble about it all and wondered if a different minder would fix it) and in her reply she said 'separation anxiety is normal and tends to peak at this age, she just needs lots of extra cuddles' and that basic reassurance made me cry. Having someone reassure rather than panic made a huge difference.

Am I right in thinking this is probably a normal developmental reaction to her age and having had a 5 week break in care, and that my minder ought to know that? I can't tell if I'm just upset and unfairly blaming her for something which isn't her fault, or whether moving my DD is likely to just make this worse. Should I stick it out or is the minder just not the right person? Help

I’d be furious if I was getting texts like that from the childminder! Obviously it’s a pain for her if your dd is unhappy all day but she should be able to deal with it and help your dd to settle again. Were you happy with her before this happened?

Not deliriously, no. She's obviously really fond of my DD and she's a lovely person but she's never been terribly confidence-inspiring. She asks me a lot of questions I sort of feel she ought to know the answer to. I'm a first time mother; she's got two kids and has been minding for 5 years.

So I'm not being unreasonable?

Well she wouldn’t inspire me with confidence tbh. Fair enough she needs to tell you that your dd is unsettled but as you say, it should be within the context of her knowing it will pass and is totally normal and certainly not with texts while you’re at work or whatever unless you’ve asked her to.

It wouldn’t hurt to check out the other childminder and see how your dd is with her.

That is very unprofessional on the childminders part. I was a childminder in the past and I would never dream of sending texts all day saying how unhappy the child was. Those sort of things are for when the child is picked up at the end of their session - face to face with the parent.

Separation anxiety is part of the norm at your childs age. I think having the extended period at home with you over Christmas and having Mummy all to herself has maybe heightened your childs anxiety a little. My son (now 5) is the same after half term, he'd much rather be with me than at school.

Maybe try a different CM, or perhaps a nursery? If your current CM isn't very confident with dealing with this sort of situation, then she will not be giving the most confident attitude to your daughter.