Giving dad a chance

[rubbleonthedoubl]

Hi there,
So I need advice on whether I should give dad a chance.
So said dad was given many chances in our relationship to be a good dad and partner. Drugs and gambling were a big part. He has always had an angler problem, no doubt because of the drugs.
Anyway so he hit me once, I let it go. Second time he beat me up and almost killed me.
Anyhow. He went to prison and got released recently.
My problem is. Do I just let him have access or do I let him take me to court?
I feel like I live with this fear of being a bad mum everyday, like I'm stopping them from having a relationship and it's all my fault.
I just want to keep my son safe, I see it as breaking a cycle of abuse (my ex mum got beat by ex's dad) and I'm so scared that this will be passed onto my son. I want to believe he (my ex) will change so much as I want my son to have a dad, just not one that could potentially ruin his life.
What do I do?

You don’t let abusive people anywhere near your child/ren. It really is that straightforward.

No! He sounds dangerous. Fight contact every step of the way. Supervised if he must have it. Definitely through court/solicitors only.

Drugs do not cause abusive behaviour - get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That as it explains this link really really well.

HE has prevented their relationship by his unsafe behaviour. HE chooses to remain in the cycle of addiction instead of getting help. HE chooses to abuse. Not you. You are not the one stopping them from having a relationship. You are being a safe and responsible parent by protecting your child.

If you need support work with the police and women's aid and ask for help with legal aid if he decides to go to court. Potential restraining order might be useful. Under no circumstances meet him or attempt to negotiate with him yourself - he tried to kill you :( He could be successful if he had another chance.

An absent dad is miles better than an abusive one, honestly. That doesn't mean that you and your DS won't find this challenging in its own way but it is many times better than living in fear. Let the courts and police do their job and let you both be protected.

There’s giving people a chance and then there’s allowing your access to your child with a person who ‘almost killed you’. Do you have a social worker, OP? Is someone supporting you with your feelings and decisions on the release of your ex?

Your primary role is to keep your child safe. Do you feel confident that you could do that if your ex was to have access? A man with a history of extreme violence?

Nobody is helping me with anything. I moved house and changed my number in the hopes that nobody will find me. I'm just scared that I'm not doing right by my child. I don't want him anywhere near us but have been advised by police that he can contact me via a solicitor for access. Like this is a normal thing to happen?
I've been told that in the eyes of the law he will now be a "reformed character". What does that even mean?

I'm worried because I feel like he will resent me when he's older. Like he won't understand that I'm doing this for him.

Social services and health visiting won’t see it that way (I don’t know how old your son is but if he is 5 or under, your local health visitor should be notified of his return to the area, especially if he has previous convictions for domestic violence). They will still see him as a potential risk to you and your child.

If you have no professional support in terms of social worker, I agree with contacting Women’s Aid for good quality advice and support Women’s Aid site. They can also signpost or refer you to other agencies if they are unable to provide the most appropriate support or advice.

I understand why you feel confused and worried about the impact any decisions might have on your son, have a chat with Women’s Aid and talk it through with experienced professionals and peer counsellors. It might help you get things sorted out in your head.

Thank you. I think it's about time I asked for help as I'm clearly baffled by my own feelings and not seeing sense.
I been waiting for phone calls and referrals for months now and nobody has got back to me.

Chase them up. Be proactive for you and your son. Unfortunately funding for services to protect and support women and children have been cut to the bone in recent years despite need rising. So caseloads have increased but resources to deal with the workload have shrunk and callbacks etc do take longer. It absolutely is not fair and so you must be proactive and push yourself to the the front of the queue. Be heard. Best of luck to you and your boy

So unfortunately CAFCASS are for some reason stuck in some strange reality warp where abusive men can be good fathers. This is why you fight it, this is why you gather every shred of evidence. Talk to women's aid first - ask about your rights. Talk to police, especially DV specific section, ask what protection they can give you/your child. Talk to social services about your concerns.

You do have to play a little to their expectations. Don't talk about him being a bad person or a poor influence as they won't really care about this. Talk about the assault on you and threat to your personal safety. Talk about any assault/abuse your child has witnessed and stress you want to protect him from future incidence of this. Tell them if you are afraid he would be violent towards the child, and of any occasions your son showed distress about your ex's violence.

If you feel unsafe or fear that your ex might threaten your home, let the police know as they can support with this. Him contacting you through a solicitor does sound reasonable but I wouldn't try to contact him first.

Google for a domestic violence counselling service near you as this may help you filter your own thoughts etc on this.

Let him take you to court and you keep protecting your son. My dad was an abusive jerk (though he didn't have a drug problem and he never went to prison, so doesn't sound quite as severe). But he was terribly cruel to my mum and I. She finally divorced him and we moved away when I was 8. He was court ordered to pay maintenance, which he never did (he had plenty of money and a very nice house, car, etc.). They met once to discuss the maintenance payments as she was really struggling financially doing everything on her own. He told her if she took him back to court to force him to pay, he would fight her for joint custody (as in 50-50 physical custody). In retrospect, he probably wouldn't have gotten it, but she told him to take him money and shove it because my safety and wellbeing was more important than that. She did everything she could to protect me from him and as a result I grew up with a lot of stability and love and had a wonderful childhood. Kids don't benefit from having shitty parents in their lives just because they're biologically related. It's much healthier to have one solid, loving, committed parent than two (one of which is stressed all the time about the other and one who is abusive and cruel). If he wants to fight you, then let him try, but if you think there is good reason to, you keep protecting your son and know you're doing the right thing.