What's going on with my 4 year old?

[Tisfortired]

I'm after some help with my four year old and to see if he is a typical four year old or not?

He has always been quite highly strung, needs a lot of attention and stimulation. He is NEVER satisfied or happy, he always has has something to whinge about and it is just getting so draining.

Just recently he has gotten so much worse. He screams and screams. Has huge tantrums over ridiculous things. He constantly needs me or DP to play with him, usually imaginative play like with his kitchen or playing cars or dolls. If either of us dare to say 'okay DS Mummy/daddy needs to go and do x/y/z now' it creates an almighty scene.

We both work full time, but we give him at least an hour in the evenings is spent playing and more at the weekend, jigsaws, doing pictures etc. When we are off work we go on days out, do baking together or crafts, I do enjoy doing all of these things with him but I am not exaggerating when I say he needs this kind of entertainment every waking hour of the day and it's just not possible.

He goes to Nursery 3 full days a week and I am told he behaves perfectly there (obviously.) I feel like I'm constantly saying DS, calm down, chill out a little bit, take a deep breath. He is always on the go, he runs everywhere, constant chattering, talking and asking questions. I have never known him to just sit and watch a film with snacks for example.

I suppose I'm just after some advice and to see if he is a typical four year old? He is an only child and my friends don't have children yet so I don't have anything to compare it to. I am getting so tired and mentally exhausted from working 40 hours a week, commuting, doing all of the housework and DS behaviour on top is taking it out of me. Sorry for the ramble.

Tiredness, hunger, thirsty and copying people at nursery is my DDs problem!

Thank you for replying Majuna.

Tiredness is definitely a trigger for him but that is a whole other post! I am regularly reduced to tears by his behaviour, today included which led to this post. I feel like the worlds worst parent.

Is Sleep a problem then? Hace you read the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers?

If he goes to Nursery 3 days, what does he do on the other days and is he any better on those days?

Well he has always been really good at going to bed, he has his tea, a bath, two stories, hugs and kisses and is asleep by 7:30, 8:00 at the latest. The problem is he wakes up anywhere from 5:00am, and always has. He sometimes also wakes up a couple of times in the night. With his early morning waking though it's obvious he is still knackered because he is SUCH hard work getting ready to leave the house. I've tried gro clock, later bed times, earlier bedtimes, supper, no supper. Nothing makes a difference so I have just accepted it now more or less.

On the other two days a week he is with his grandma who he adores - and is usually good for her, although he is his usual self of needing a lot of attention but no tantrums. Just recently she tells me he is playing up, shouting and crying etc. I just don't know what's got into him. There's been absolutely no change in our day to day life.

There's been absolutely no change in our day to day life.

But 4 year olds do change!

Titty I meant there's been no change in our circumstances at home which could have triggered this drastic change in behaviour.

Bloody hell, you must all be shattered.
I would be focussing not on the behaviour but on the early morning waking which must be at least part of the cause. Do you get up with him at 0500 and start your day? Or send him back to bed? I am sure there must be threads with tips on this.

Your four year old is my four year old!

Prone to tears, fury and unconditional love. It’s harder being four than it ever was being two or three. There are many battles, most of them have the same theme - his desire for independence and having a strong idea about what he wants, versus, erm - reality.

I’m trying to be kind and understanding, but sometimes it’s really hard work. He can say quite mean sounding things, but I know that they’re not meant (only for effect).

I am getting so tired and mentally exhausted from working 40 hours a week, commuting, doing all of the housework

He’s probably testing where he sits in the hierarchy.

Keep him occupied at times without your direct supervision, eg set him a task that he likes doing (“paint a picture of our family”, “see how many keepy-uppys you can do”) and then give him specific feedback on what you like about how he did it. He’ll want to focus on getting better rather than vying for your attention.

Callamia that is exactly it - he wants what he wants exactly when and how he wants it, which is obviously not always practical but you also cannot reason with a four year old.

When he wakes up at 5:00am which is probably 3 or 4 days a week he usually goes straight to use the bathroom, then flicks the lamp on in his room and plays or reads. He will periodically come into my room to check if it is time to go downstairs yet. I have made a point of never waking up with him at 5, but he seems to be happy enough playing in his room. I just don't know how to get him to sleep longer.

If he is playing on his own for a while when he first wakes up then he is probably dying for some human interaction when you get up - which is why he might be being so demanding.

Not that I'm blaming you for not getting up at 5am, I wouldn't either!

But he sounds fairly independent if he can get up, take himself to the loo and play sensibly for a while until you wake up though. Every cloud and all that...

5 am until 8 pm is an awfully long day. Overtired could well be the route of the meltdowns. Can you get him to stay in bed resting until 6 and move bedtime until 7pm? Also it sounds like he gets an awful lot of stimulation both at nursery and home. Whilst stimulation is great, too much could mentally tire him. Does he ever play on his own? Do unstructured play where you just leave him to entertain himself ( whilst obviously being in the same/ next room)? It sounds exhausting. I hope you get some rest soon.

I don’t know how you get him to sleep longer, but I bet things will change when he starts school.

Mine also busies himself in the morning if he wakes up before I’m willing to get up. I think he’s quite happy playing in his room. Although, I had to have words about him playing at 4am last night...

We seem to spend all of our time in negotiations about something or other.

My DS was an early riser too, 5am for years. We gave him a digital clock, taught him to read the time and told him he absolutely had to stay in bed till 7am and he did. He’s a teen now and rarely wakes up after 7am, he’s just an early riser.

Have a look at the book I linked as it has tips on early rising.

I agree though that he’s having too long a day. Is there any way you can bring bedtime forward?

Sorry, meant to add that making him stay in bed until 7am did work. I think boredom helped him sleep longer

Sounds exactly like my four year old DS. I feel like he’s broken me. Thankfully I have an older child who’s turned out well, so I know it’s not me! I’ve done all the parenting courses under the sun, have all the books, and still struggle. Literally everything is a battle. I’m hoping he grows out of it as I can’t take much more.