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Parenting

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Original poster

Does anyone else get made to feel guilty for working?

23 replies

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 11:18

And how do you deal with it?

And please, i'm not looking for a thread about SAHM Vs working mothers.

Have had several relatives and co-workers looking down their nose at me this week for working 4 days a week when i have 10mth old.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 26/04/2007 11:25

i'm a sahm, but most of my pals work and good on them. i have great admiration for working mums. i am lucky to have the choice and i made my choice as my job was crap and paid a pittance anyway
mums work for financial necessity and for sanity - staying at home doesn't suit everyone! you do what suits you.

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 11:30

What pees me off is the assumption / hinting that i'm missing everything DS does- i saw him take his first steps, i heard him say 'Dad' and 'Mam' the first times...and we do need the cash ATM, and they don't pay my frigging bills.

Ordinarily, i don't give a rats ass what people think of me, but when the tone seems to be that i'm a poor mother, it upsets me regardless.

OP posts:

GameGirly · 26/04/2007 11:31

Don't let it get to you. If you were a SAHM, you'd similarly get people making stupid comments and judging you. You can't win, whatever you choose.

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DrNortherner · 26/04/2007 11:32

I came back to work when ds was 10 weeks old, I had no choice financially.

An older collegue of mine said 'If I had a 10 week old baby I'd be at home cuddling him. Not at work'

I cried my eyes out in the toilet.

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 11:34

i know i shouldn't let it get to me. DS is flourishing, and i like working right now...just wish people would mind their own business and not be so rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 11:35

Drnorthener: that's awful!

When i first went back, i had people like step MIL going 'oh, it must be awful being in work. How are you?' with this sad look, and when i responded that i was really enjoying it, she looked a bit disgusted with me.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 26/04/2007 11:37

how strange - I was never made to feel guilty when I worked. Not once. However (now that I'm not at work) I'm made to feel guilty quite often - I would say I get a comment at least once a week!

Unfortunately, you can't stop other people having opinions - but you can try and rise above them. Just go and look in the mirror in the loo and say to yourself 'these f'ing bastards will not get me down'.

nickytwotimes · 26/04/2007 11:39

people are every opinionated when it comes to child rearing which is a shame as it is such a touchy subject - after all what could be more important than raising the next generation! i find it hard to ignore people who make comments - try to remember most comments are made by people trying to justify their own methods. for example one working mummy said to me that my son was missing out on nursery as i was at home!
we all do things differently - sod people who can't see that this is fine!!

contentiouscat · 26/04/2007 11:40

You do what works for you - if you are happy and it is what you DC is used to then why would it hurt? Far better than you being at home and resentful...im sure you make the most of your home time with DS.

I missed DSs first steps & came home to be told about it, I also hated walking out at finishing time as I always felt I had more work I needed to do. I couldnt get the work home balance right so I decided that being at home was the best thing for us, I can pick up my career/make more money once they are in school.

You do what is right for your family tell anyone else to butt out and mind their own business.

You do realise you will have started a complete bun fight here (all the pro & anti crazies will be out in force)

oranges · 26/04/2007 11:43

I got made to feel guilty for not working.

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 11:46

i know it's horses for courses, i suppose i'll just have to bite my tongue when people are rude about how we run our family.

you can't please all the nosy arses can you?

OP posts:

exbury · 26/04/2007 11:48

PregnantGrrrl - unfortunately one of the things you have to develop (to go with the hassled look, baby sick on shoulder, etc) is thicker skin. Previous posters are right - someone will try and make you feel guilty whatever you choose to (or have to) do. A very good friend of mine from college (so same education, etc, etc) did the "I don't know how you can bear to leave them...." speech on me shortly after she had her DS (mine was 3 by then and had been in nursery since he was 16 weeks old). I just refrained from retorting with "I don't know how you can bear being at home all the time" .
No doubt you will make yourself feel guilty about enough things as time goes on - try not to let other people do it for you!

and, incidentally, if you are working 4 days a week then with evenings, mornings, weekends, you are spending more than 50% of the time with your LO - so their point is....?

homemama · 26/04/2007 12:09

I've done both but am currently a SAHM and I regularly get people making assumptions about me and what I do all day. You just can't win because as a mother nothing you do will ever be good enough.

If it makes you feel any better; despite being at home, I missed DS's first steps as they happened on a Sat morning when I was having my hair cut but at least his Daddy saw them. So it doesn't always follow that you will see all the firsts even if you're a SAHM.

Brangelina · 26/04/2007 12:12

No one's ever made me feel guilty about working, if anything, in my old job I got looked at askance by childless colleagues every time I rushed off at 5.30pm. I didn't see a problem with it though, I still got all my work done by then so no one was being shortchanged and many of those who chose to stay late did so for appearances sake only. I mean, if I could manage to get everything done in 8 hours then surely they could too?

The only person who dared make a comment about me going back to work was my MIL who has never worked a day in her life, not even when FIL had severe financial problems. And no, she wasn't a SAHM either, she had a maid and a nanny for the children and just had manicures and facials etc all day.

Swizzler · 26/04/2007 12:22

It does seem that some people think it's OK to be working as long as you feel a decent amount of guilt about it - have also had the sympathetic poor you, having to come back to work thing. I'm back 3 days a week and though I'm sad to be leaving DS in the morning I'm enjoying myself once I'm at work (it's lovely and quiet ).

So to recap: if you stay at home you're being lazy; if you work you're selfish and lazy (letting other people do your childcare) and pressured by modern society; if you enjoy work you're a Bad and/or Unnatural Mother; if you used to work and stopped/cut down your hours you're suffering from low self-esteem; if you increase your hours you're suffering from high self-esteem - it goes on

FiveFingeredFiend · 26/04/2007 12:24

Well, i would tell them that it is hardly a choice?

is it?

iwouldgoouttonight · 26/04/2007 12:41

I think you've summed it up Swizzler! My MIL thinks I shouldn't have gone back to work - she keeps saying 'I just don't know how you can do it' as though I'm committing some hideous crime rather than simply enjoying going to work four days a week. People forget that you are allowed to enjoy other things as well as your children.

Just ignore them, you know you're doing whats best for you and your LO.

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 26/04/2007 12:47

thank you ladies.

sod them all. Am preparing myself for the lazy comments when i take a year off with the next baby then!

OP posts:

Swizzler · 26/04/2007 13:17

Lazy and sponging off other workers - had a few comments about 'generous' maternity leave benefits

Am considering a t-short saying 'Sod Off' - d'you think littlelapin would add one to the range?

Gameboy · 26/04/2007 14:45

Agree. When a friend of mine was due to come back to work when her DS was 6 months her (ridiculously religious and somewhat weird) neighbours arrived at her front door and said, "we're ever so sorry you have to go back to work instead of staying with your child as God would have intended, and we wanted to let you know we are praying for both you and your son..."

She said it didn't even come across in a genuinely caring and sympathetic way - actually was quite menacing....

She was really upset.

GameGirly · 26/04/2007 14:50

Good God. Seriously, though: what religion condones the judging of others?

exbury · 26/04/2007 14:51

I have been back at work 3 days and have already lost count of the "alright for some - when do I get 6 months off" comments from my (almost exclusively male) colleagues... [sigh]

mosschops30 · 26/04/2007 14:56

i get it from my MIL ..... but my reasoning is that shes a bitter dried up old bitch so I dont let it worry me

just do whats right for your family and ignore all the meddlers

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