How the hell am I going to cope?

[Prusik]

DS has spent the morning whinging, whining and crying at me. He was clinging to my leg while I made milk and then fell and bumped his head.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. He's 12 months.

What the hell have I done! I can't even handle my 12 month old, let alone adding a newborn into the mix!!

In addition, I'd really like to breastfeed but everyone keeps telling me it won't be possible to bf and look after DS.

Please tell me it can be done!

No advice but a handhold. I'll be in the same position in May... you can do anything you want to it's just finding a way. Deep breath and a cup of tea. X

Of course it's possible to bf and look fter an older sibling!! In fact, it may even be easier than bottle feeding as you can just sit and bf and you don't need to prepare and warm up bottles.

Just have a pile of books that ds can bring to you so you can read together while you bf or watch TV together

I found it much harder being pregnant with my second than with two although my gap was a bit bigger. Once baby is here you will get in the swing of things (mostly).

He may be tired, he may be coming down with lurgie, he may be unsettled because of the imminent baby.

you will be fine - stick newborn in a sling if you need to carry them around or feed whilst sitting with older DS. Get sandwiches sorted for lunch the night before and do carpet picnics.

you may find you need a safe space to leave the newborn if you need to answer the door or go to the loo. Either take one of them with you or get a playpen for the baby to go in.

Calpol today and maybe a run around outside if you can manage the walk out; it will help DS sleep better later, and toddler groups to give DS children to play with / new toys to encounter whilst you feed.

Get you a travel mug so you can do intravenous tea and the cup's not hot to the touch.

I think because I didn't manage to bf DS, I have no clue what it's like to actually breastfeed. He was a tough baby due to health issues (all minor but had a massive impact) and is now a demanding toddler/baby thing that seems to spend a lot of time crying.

Baby will come any day now and I'm just sat here thinking "what the hell have I done?"

Doesn't help that DS isn't really a tv watcher. More of a climber (even though he's not walking yet)

I've booked out my mornings with things like playgroups, etc, for this term in the hope that we can get out in the mornings but one week in and I'm exhausted with all the running around already!

DS has also decided now would be a good time to stop eating so we're back up to two night feeds.

Holy hell, I just want to cry

@DontCallMeJohnBoy those are all awesome suggestions, thank you. I need to remember that I found newborn DS easier than latter stages of pregnancy despite the fact that he'd scream most of the day and night due to reflux and milk allergy. Weirdly I was less tired.

I think it could be teething at the moment but who knows with these pesky little creatures. All I know is emotionally I'm not really handling it. DS is asleep now and I'm still feeling like a coiled spring.

DH has the car today and I didn't think to take the pram out before the left for work so we're without any wheels today

My DS is 12mo and become really clingy this week so you have my sympathies! I remember with DD it seemed to get a lot easier at about 14mo so I'm hoping that happens again.

I had a 21mo gap so nowhere near as difficult as yours but you do have to just get on and baby goes with you. Definitely use the sling, it means you can just carry on with the toddler. If you're BF, you'll find a way - special card/books/stickers that only come out when you're feeding.

My biggest piece of advice though is naptime! If your DS is still having 2 naps, take the baby into your bed at each one and feed lying down in your bed so you can rest. Once he's down to one nap, make sure you keep that nap sacred for you and the baby as well. You need to recoup when you can and it's a good routine for the baby - any jobs can wait until after!

*special cars

I'm lucky in that DS is an awesome napper. He'll either have one massive nap or a morning nap and a good length afternoon nap. Although he doesn't sleep through, he's not hideous at night. Good idea on keeping nap times quiet. Hopefully baby will learn pretty quickly what quiet time is.

I think he's just a bit overtired today as we've had a busy week. He's well into his second long nap of the day so I'm just sitting around and chilling out mostly but have also managed to cook dinner to reheat and have pottered around a little but mostly done bugger all.

I conceived this baby on a hormonal high when DH was self employed. He's now employed and the hormonal high is definitely gone. I'm now left with angst, slight regret and DH is no where near able to be flexible about taking random days off, going in late of having shorter days where needed. I will say, I am looking forward to this baby. It's like an excited dread!

DD2 was tucked in a stretchy wrap for 90% of her day for the first 2 months. Luckily she fed really quickly and my DD1 was older so more independent.

One tip for a younger age gap is make up lunch the evening before in a Tupperware or plate so you can tip it out for both of you.

And put together a busy basket with new toys - cars, stickers, whatever - that only comes out when feeding or busy.

My 'what the hell have I done?' moments came at 6 weeks post birth every time!

We have 5dc so clearly the moment passes

It CAN be done and you WILL do it. I don't have any tips because babies are different and we all find different aspects difficult, but you will find your way.

Lots of good tips here.

Another idea - get a doll that can go in the bath, with toy nappies and bottles etc so you can have one baby each and do things together (if he's interested, he may not be).

Some babies bring a 'present' for their older sibling on the day of their arrival - starts a positive association with the new baby, plus something new to play with.

Super long naps may be adding to the sudden desire to be up at night a couple of times...? Maybe shorten them up a tad and try to get some more food into him during the day.

Good luck, OP. x

Generally it's one or two quick feeds. It's hard to tell what's going on. I think at the moment it's teething because he slept loads when he cut teeth last time. It's a weird one because he's gone from a foodie baby to one who won't even touch his favourites.

My friend has ordered a dolly for Ds for his birthday so hopefully she'll bring it over next week.

It's a tricky one because he's a bit young to engage with anything like stickers and although I read with him, he doesn't really sit and engage with a book. He tends to crawl all over it, sit on it, point at pictures, turn the book upside down. Typical 12 month old behaviour, I think? I guess he's still a baby really so I can't expect too much. He also doesn't sit and watch telly - I'm not naturally a telly watcher so we've never cuddled up to watch telly. He favours hurtling about the place and climbing what you'd call a typical boy if you want to stereotype

Yes, typical 12 month behaviour! On the plus side, he will change so much over the next year - new interests and skill, improving concentration. He will probably develop the ability to glue himself to cBeebies if you allow it .

The hard bits won't stay like that for long. They will of course change for different hard bits, but as the saying goes 'change is as good as a rest'!

And being pregnant with a little one in tow is bungs the hardest. At least once the baby is born you can put them down and walk away for a moment, it makes all the difference.

I must admit, I'm very much looking forward to not being pregnant any more!! It'll be nice to not have the physical challenges of picking up dropped food, toys, etc.

I guess the only drawback is that he can't be entertained by special sticker books or anything. I'm hoping that morning playgroups will.make life easier. Although he's still pretty clingy to me. Then he can nap in the afternoon. I think one nap just after lunch might be preferable if I can push him towards that

Hey there, we are in the same boat. My 4th baby is due in 3 days, and my youngest daughter had her 1st birthday this week. My older two are my little boy who is 4 and my 8 year old daughter (who is harder than all the rest put together with suspected adhd).
Like you I have swung between ‘I’ll manage’ to ‘oh god, what have I done’, but although number 4 was never the plan, she was conceived with love so who can argue with that (except my dragon of a sister in law).
So my plans for coping are....
I read an amazing book 10 days ago called ‘the sensational baby sleep plan’. My daughter has gone from being horrendous at night to sleeping 13hours straight. We are on night 7. I am soooo relieved.
I plan to get out with the pushchair whenever it feels like it’s all getting too much (probably daily . Load them up and hope the outside air will entertain them.
I read a brilliant blog on ‘coralling’. Funny expression I thought but basically just using doors and gates to the max to ensure one year old can’t disappear out of sight and get into mischief while feeding newborn. My girly too has a habit of climbing my legs, and whinging, so I may spend a fair bit of time sat on the floor with new baby just to avoid that!
Remember every bad phase will pass pretty quick. It may move on to another tough bit, but I love the post above that says ‘a change is as good as a rest!’
Find something that will lift you a bit that you can fall back on even with the babies. I’m so sick of all these things that say ‘find some me time’. It just isn’t going to happen. If I find I need some me time, it means I need a day at a spa, an hour out is not going to help! So my little crutches are; a cuppa in my local cafe (often on my own) just for the change of scenery after the school run....a can of Diet Coke can give me a kick start when I’m lagging....dry shampoo, and applying proper make up while little one is eating her breakfast makes me feel more human when I’m looking like the walking dead....stick something in the slow cooker and sit back and feel smug that i’ve actually achieved something that day....a rummage in local charity shops (very me and not to everyone’s taste)....I feel much better when things smell clean and pleasant around me, so if you’re sinking under nappies, light a scented candle, stick any cushions near you through the wash, or get some essential oils to scatter on carpets, amazing how some fresh smells can help....
Believe me I’m not always this positive! It’s 5..30am I’ve been awake since 4am wondering if today labour might start.
Sending you lots of luck and support in the next few weeks and ongoing. Remind yourself things often feel worse anticipating them than they are when you’re actually living through them (usually).

Don't panic, nothing is ever as bad as you think it will be!

I have 21 months between my two, my first was into everything, never napped, walked and talked argued early. My second had castors on his ears seriously laid back and chilled. Yes the first three months were hell on earth, sorry but they were but it got better and now 11 years later it's all good.

Take it day by day, don't sweat the small stuff, be confident in yourself and if in doubt post on here - good luck, you'll be brilliant x

Ah you’ll be grand. My advice would be to get the new baby to nap at the same time and persevere with it. By 5 months the little baby was sleeping alongside the bigger baby for 3-4 hour afternoon naps. It was amazing! Most of my friends had catnappers and if one was asleep the other was awake. I frequently joined them.

Bomb proof your home, bring toys and telly to the lounge and food for you and the older child and sit down and bf - not the easiest but you'll be fine!

Agree with pps - hard but you'll manage. My first also had a lot of reflux and the only good thing is that if you also get a more textbook baby second time round (we did), you are shocked how easy it is!
In my experience, being heavily pregnant while looking after a toddler was harder than doing it with a newborn. We embraced the sling a lot second time, and as soon as ds2 had enough neck control to bf while in the sling we spent all the time we could out of the house and having fun, it was an exhausting but lovely time. Also the weather is getting better and days are getting longer! 😊 Good luck and hope you can get lots of support for the early days. The age gap is hard early but they say always amazing for making them close as they grow up.

I'm bf'ing a newborn and have a nearly two year old. It is possible. Challenging at times but totally possible. I'm only on week two but preparation is the key!
Make sure they have something to entertain themselves - bag of tricks / snacks or whatever works for you on hand. Xx

You've had some really wonderful advise here. You sounded totally overwhelmed in your OP and it really reminded me of how I felt when I was facing the same!

We actually decided to get a night Nanny in. I just felt like I was so unbelievably tired from looking after dd during the day and then baby feeding in the night that I just couldn't function and started getting really low. I felt like a crap parent to my first and like I didn't have a moment's peace to enjoy the baby either. Once the night Nanny came the balance was better and I felt like I was coping again. She stayed around 3 months for a few nights a week. I'd have liked her more but I wanted to try and save as much money as possible to extend my maternity leave.

We used a lady called Fern Bishop. She doesn't live in Bristol, I forget exactly where she travelled from now but it was Gloucestershire way i think. I really couldn't recommend her more. She was incredible and really saved my sanity! Really lovely and very knowledgeable. Both kids really took to her.

Oh and my other tip would be to only join 'drop In' groups and classes. I found signing up to terms was like throwing money away because some days I just couldn't face it and we probably missed more than we went to I think. It was just a pressure I couldn't have done without.

Good luck!

I really appreciate all of the tips and advice. Feeling more like I can manage things today.

The HV reassured me that if I can't breastfeed and do end up having problems with formula then I won't be left to struggle like I was with DS. The fact that he's been diagnosed with CMPA means that they will likely address things quicker with this one. That massively takes the pressure off. In my head it was either I bf and it's ok or I ff and have a baby who screams in pain for 10 hours+ per day for 12 weeks with no GP or pediatrician taking us seriously.

DH has done a load of batch cooking this weekend 12 potions of chilli anyone?? and our last job is to find the sheets for the moses basket. So everything feels under control there.

My plan is to prep lunch the night before. Make sure bottles are washed the night before. That way the only "need" is to get ds's nappy changed, get him dressed and give him breakfast. Loose plan is to try to get to a group of some description before lunch, give him lunch and then a long afternoon nap for him. This morning he also napped for an hour before we went out (I had to wake him).

I think this is all sounding ok.

DH said that I have to get used to the fact that DS will cry sometimes and I won't always be able to respond immediately. He's pretty high maintenance sometimes and very vocal but it may calm him just a little.

I've been tidying up before he has dinner and then after dinner and bath is books only so mess is minimised. Equally, last couple of days, in the morning I've just done puzzles before first nap. That's kept the destruction of toys to a minimum. I can hopefully feed baby on the floor with puzzles and books too.

Feeling a lot more positive today!