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Parenting

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Original poster

Newborn, MIL and depression

45 replies

Hannabee123 · 11/01/2018 16:53

Hi everyone

My baby is 2 weeks old tomorrow and it's been awful so far. The birth was abit traumatic but what s worse is it's a massive shock to the system and I'm suffering pretty bad sleep deprivation. She's suffering with colic and night times are just gone for me.
I've contacted my gp and currently having counselling. I don't feel like I'm bonding with my child im just getting on with things. I feel extremely lonely as my family all live a few hours away and can't easily come and visit. They have been around but as I said it's not easy. I miss them so much.

My partner has his mum who lives the next street over and his sister who lives around the corner. Since I have come home from hospital his family have come almost every day. My first day out of hospital was entertaining 8 people as they played pass the parcel with my baby.
His mum keeps phoning constantly and making shitty comments saying she doesn't feel like she has a grand daughter. She calls my partner and has a go that she never gets to see her or spend time with her. She comes around almost every day. She is rude and even picked my baby up once and woke her while she was sleeping and carried her off into a different room. His mum keeps trying to force herself on us demanding to come and help at night and stop over to cuddle the baby.

I feel like she is taking advantage of the sleep deprivation and turning me and my partner against each other. Were arguing alot and I don't want his mum over 24/7 when im all over the place and trying to get some kind of quality of life. If she wants to help she can do other things like we have nothing in the house and I haven't had time to go to the shop and I haven't been eating she could get bread if she wants to help not make demands to have my daughter or stick her nose in all the time.

I feel like she is just a baby snatcher and me and my partner are constantly falling out. I over hear his mum talking bad about me all the time.
I can't cope I feel like driving off to my family's but it's not really ideal at the moment.

I don't even know the point of this post or what advice I'm looking for I just feel completely and utterly down and lost and awful and I'm constantly having to deal with the shittyness of his family.
My mum never gets to see my daughter and his mom whinges about not bonding with her when she forces her way into the house each day it's not fair. I feel like I'm out of control with it all and my partner doesn't get that I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 12/01/2018 10:25

Please speak to your midwife if she's due a visit soon, or the health visitor - you do sound very down.

It is understandable that you miss your own family at this time, and I do think that this is increasing your resentment of your MIL. Why don't you give her the tasks to do that you've already mentioned (shopping) or some baby-related tasks such as washing baby clothes or bedding/bottles so she feels involved but is not actually with the baby. It would give you some cuddle time. If she's willing to come round in the day, set a time limit and get some sleep when she's there.

The first few weeks/months are hard with the lack of sleep but to describe someone as a 'baby snatcher' is a bit worrying to me. Your partner will be bonding with the baby too and you driving off to your family won't help with that bit.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 11:01

Ask the mw/hv to time a visit to when mil is there - prime them to reinforce how important time alone with you baby is and what sort of useful help they can be. Failing that ask mw/hv to tell her to fuck off home

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 12/01/2018 11:26

Everything's gone to shit

My partner and I are arguing 24/7 and he keeps grabbing me. I don't want to live here anymore I feel so alone he's not letting me take my child

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Antenatal & postnatal Babies & sleep Families

MinorRSole · 12/01/2018 11:31

Not letting you take her where?

If he's being violent with you then you need to phone the police. If you feel that is too drastic then phone your parents and tell them everything

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 12:14

Ring the police next time he lays a finger on you - don't fear repercussions, just tell them the truth. Nobody will take your baby away if that's your worry. Ring a family member to get you - you're safety and that of your baby is most important. If relatives are at work then still ring them!! You need them so don't be afraid to tell them!

PippiLongstromp · 12/01/2018 13:57

Okay yes you have a DH problem to deal with first. Can you go stay with your mother for a little while? It doesn't sound like you are in a good situation, and removing yourself from it would probably be best for your mental health and therefore also best for your DD. Protect yourself and baby first, don't worry about anyone else.

Fitzsimmons · 12/01/2018 14:09

You need to get out OP. I know you said your family were having building works etc but in this situation i think you need to put that aside and head over there. You need some time to bond with your baby and space away from your volatile partner. If you are not safe please contact the police.

mummabubs · 12/01/2018 14:17

Given your recent update I'd be inclined to agree that if you can get to your parents' house safely that's got to be preferable at the moment?

I saw several parallels with my experience OP, I also had 9 of my in-laws with me 48 hours after I'd given birth and they stayed for nearly 7 hours, I felt completely overwhelmed. I've also had the issue of my DS being picked up and carted off, fed my expressed milk (which really upset me as we have lots of feeding issues as it feels wrong to see another woman give my child my milk) and just generally being overbearing. My only saving grace is that both our families live a fair distance away so it's not something I have to tolerate daily. Your MiL, however well-intentioned is massively overstepping boundaries and needs to respect that YOU'RE the mum!!

Just to add as well I didn't feel particularly bonded to my DS for the first few weeks and I really worried at times about what this meant. He's now 3.5 months and I couldn't be more in love with him. I think the turning point for me was about 6-8 weeks- when they start to smile at you it becomes a much more reciprocal relationship which makes a tonne of difference. Obviously you know yourself better than anyone but don't feel that if you're feeling low and haven't instantly gelled with your baby that this means you've got postnatal depression, periods of low mood definitely come with this gig, especially when you're sleep deprived and even more so when you've got an unsupportive partner and an interfering MiL!

mintich · 12/01/2018 14:18

You need to get to your family. This is not how a new family should be

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 14:26

The element of stress that your MIL is putting you under is probably causing most of your problems, that and not having any true support from family that are not critical of you.

You really have to nip this in the bud, or it will get worse.

Your oh needs to listen (show him the thread) and deal with his mother once and for all. She needs to call you before visiting and she is not welcome unless you have agreed to her visit. She must be told that she can not just rock up and take over, and to have some respect for your boundaries and your home.

This is completely unacceptable and as a new mother you are just finding your feet. You need to be strong and deal with her head on.

No uninvited visits
No picking up the baby without asking first
No sleepovers and no more bloody entertaining

You need time to bond. Can your mum/sister/best friend/oh spend some days with you? Try and book in some time with each so they can keep you company.

I was on my own with both of mine and remember the isolation. Isolation is better than unwanted visits. Make sure you go out, make new friends, join baby groups when you are ready. You will need support far less if these things are in place.

CotswoldStrife · 12/01/2018 14:27

OP, as you have already said you are having counselling can you contact your counsellor, a crisis team or your midwife/health visitor? If you are struggling then they can support you.

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 14:28

Just seen your update

What do you mean grabbing you? Is he hurting you?

This sounds like a completely toxic environment. Please pack up and go and stay with your family, you need some space and some looking after.

Crackers1288 · 12/01/2018 14:53

An hour after I had my baby my IL’s (5 altogether) were sat with us for hours! I was sat there with a bed sheet wrapped around me, bleeding still, and all they wanted to do was sit with the baby. Lovely for them, agony for me.

Unfortunately I dont have much advice as I am still awful at putting my foot down but just to let you know you’re not alone. Get your family around you

OlennasWimple · 12/01/2018 14:59

First step:

Put the key in the door so they can't come in, unplug the phone, take yourself and your lovely baby upstairs and ignore any attempts from the ILs to come to the house. Maybe send your DH a message to say that you are cocooning yourself away today without any visitors, so he doesn't freak out when MiL phones him to say that she can't get in the house and you're not responding

Then work out how you can go and stay with your family for a couple of weeks, to put some space between you and your ILs and focus on working out what it means to have a new baby

[floewrs]

OlennasWimple · 12/01/2018 14:59

FFS!

Rach000 · 12/01/2018 16:25

They need to leave you alone for a bit to just sit and relax and cuddle your baby. You need to rest and bond in peace. Tell your midwife what's happening and that your partner isn't helping, see if she can advise him.
They are been so selfish!! Hope you can get some peace and your partner needs to support you.
We had too many visitors with my first, mainly the ILs and it got too much and I didn't get enough time to bond and breastfeed in the early days which caused problems with my milk etc. I didn't realise at the time really but wish we had told them to leave us alone more.

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 16:28

OP this is completely unacceptable. Take your daughter and go to your mum's please. Many domestic violence situations develop when there is a new baby . It is NEVER ok for him to lay hands on you aggressively. I hope you're all right

Gazelda · 12/01/2018 16:34

OP, i hope you and your precious baby are OK.
I think it would be a fabulous idea to go to your parents. You need to rest, and to bond with your baby. You also need time to get into a routine that suits you (or decide on no routine at all if it suits you!)
Your most recent post is worrying. I hope you are safe and that your DP isn't being aggressive towards you.
If nothing else, can I suggest you call your health visitor immediately. She will support You and help You form the best early life it's your baby.
Everything else can wait.
Please call our health visitor today.

Rach000 · 13/01/2018 10:00

How are you? Is your partner any better or understanding? Hope you are ok and have had some peace.

Redken24 · 13/01/2018 11:01

Thinking of you today . Hope things are improving

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