How much damage have I done

[notmadiswear]

Please be gentle but honest
I have been going through a rough time lately- issues that I might have been better able to deal with at another time, but circumstance and overwhelm got the better of me- no Great Depression , but low mood and mood swings- slowly crawling out the other side and getting there......
About a month ago I had a bad morning- my 3 kids were totally acting up, as they do, not listening, as they do, and generally pushing my buttons
I flew off on one - shouting - screaming ( you never listen, you have no respect, you are driving me up walls....etc ) I kicked the door in really angry way😞 ran to bathroom closed door and sobbed
Came out few mins late to 3 shell shocked little faces- I apologised for loosing my temper , told them I was really tired and I went over top
And am sorry since
Just hit me tonight - have I done real damage to 8,6,3 yo developing brains, and emotional well-being? Should I bring up again and try to explain? Should I be concerned about trauma??
I remember my mum going off on one when I was stroppy teenager- I was scared for my privileges and prob rolled my eyes but no real lasting emotional effect.
But Are my younger kid likely to be effected tho?

If you repeat this then yes.
So get some help and support.
Change things

You did this once, a month ago and still feel terrible - so long as it doesn't become a regular thing, and are generally a responsive and caring parent, they'll be fine. Plenty of our generation grew up being smacked and all sorts - not that I'd ever say that is ok, but it's important to keep some shouting in perspective. Maybe more worrying though is how overwhelmed you felt and it's really telling that you are still feeling very anxious so much later - do you need more support with your low mood? Or is about help setting limits earlier so that you can stop things before they break your patience.

There's a great book called peaceful parenting too, which I found really helpful when I turned from a gentle hippy type mum of one to a stressed out and exhausted mum of two And you are managing 3!

It wasn't great, but you actually dealt with the aftermath in a relatively positive way. They saw you behave badly, but you took yourself out of the situation and then apologised to them when you were calmer.

If they mention it, you can reassure them that it wasn't their fault, that you were having a tough day and yes, kicking the door was a naughty thing to do (and then ask them what they do when they feel cross - it could be an interesting conversation about dealing with big feelings). They won't be damaged from a one off experience.

But do look for help and RL support. Is your HV approachable? Or have you spoken to your GP? Parenting three small DC is bound to be tough at times, make sure you get the support you need to enable you to be on top of it as much as possible.

The other posters have given some sensible advice. A one of incident won’t have a huge impact and my non professional opionion is that one incident like this is a life of good supportive patenting is very unlikely to be remembered by the younger children.

But you do need to get this under control. Do you need to see the GP or ask for other support from partner or friends? When I was suffered from low mood it was much worse than I realised.

Thank you all for your kind words
Actually writing this down has been really weird and eye opening for me
Interesting you all say the same - that I need to think about me and why I did it- as usual I was focussed on kids
When you all say need support what exactly do you mean- anti depressants, therapy ??
I have never ever opened up to anyone about mental health strains and stresses but this post has been a bit of an awakening
I know all the "theory" but not sure if it applies to me- how do I know if I am depressed
When you say your low mood was worse than you though do you mean you were depressed and how did you find out it was worse??

Gp wull talk ypu through a depressiin questionnaire can offer counselling
Gp or hv can refer you to parenting classes to learn strategies if kids winding you up

Definitely talk to your gp. Help could be all kinds of things - it could be anti depressants or seeing a counsellor, but could also be getting some practical support. This might depend on your situation, but it could be a family member coming over once a week in the afternoon so you are not always cooking dinner alone while trying to wrangle three kids or hiring a cleaner, or making sure you are getting some time to see friends/exercise/read a book. If you have a partner, have you spoken to them about how you are feeling?
Often I think people are surprised by how many people care for them and will help if asked.

Support could be anything really.
It could be having someone who enables you to schedule some time for yourself (I found they didn't have to be frequent, just knowing that something was in the diary to look forward to was a great help), especially if you are able to do something you find rewarding for yourself (a hobby, meeting friends, catching up on sleep, whatever you need/enjoy/want).
It could be having someone you can talk to and either offload some stress or work through your ideas, someone who doesn't judge but is a good listener. Someone who can help you work out of there are situations or times of day that are particularly tough and which could do with rethinking to avoid conflict.
It might be a parenting course (there are fab ones which really aim to make you feel confident and that you can do this parenting lark), or a Surestart group.
It may also mean medication if your GP and you feel it would help - but it wouldn't be the be all and end all.

Family Lives have lots of information and support on their website www.familylives.org.uk/ as well as a helpline. Might be somewhere to start getting ideas in addition to seeing your GP or HV.

I think it sometimes does kids good to see that their parents have emotions too. The 6 and 8 year olds are definitely old enough to behave. The littlest one likely won’t have understood but won’t be scarred by it! Give yourself a break!

You know this wasn't ok. But, the fact that you know means you can change it. I'd be far more concerned about a parent who felt it was acceptable parenting to properly lose it.
I don't think you scarred them for life but if this keeps happening and spirals yes you will damage the DC.
Agree with pps. Please get mental health help, for your sake as well as theirs. It's ok to struggle, it's not to just do nothing about it.

I can painfully and vividly remember doing this one Sunday when mine were 18 mths, 3 and 6. I threw an absolute fustrated, angry tantrum because DH had yet again chosen to spend the morning of his one day off a week with his mother and hadn't returned for the full blown roast he knew I was cooking. I immediately apologised and held the children, soothing them and reassuring. They're 19, 20 and 23 and I've asked over the years if they remember or think they were affected by my outbursts. They don't. ....they aren't. I've been lucky.

I don't often shout at my children as In annually rather than monthly , but on New Year's Day I pinged a new one at them. I actually slapped the wall in anger and very much raised my voice. They had been so fucking insolent and ignorant and willfully rude after I had bust a nut for them at Xmas that they got full force hulk Mum.

They apologised and then resumed model behaviour.

I then had a chat with them later on. I always apologise for raising my voice because that's not the way to deal with an issue but I do make sure I explain that it is their actions that contribute to that level of frustration and the one follows the other.
For example "I'm really sorry I shouted at you this morning but you need to understand that by ignoring me and making rude remarks and fighting with each other you made it impossible to speak to you in a normal voice, I shouldn't have to bang the wall to get your attention and i want you to really think about how things could have been different" I get an apology, we move on.

Your kids will be ok. I don't think it's the end of the world to see a parent lose it once or twice ever. They need to know you're human.

Thank you all- I am so glad I have the MN community to voice these type of issues- and help me get my guilt into perspective
Have had a long reassess of family routines and disciplines- small things that if allowed to slip can so easily spiral - bedtime slipped=cranky kids= late homework= Mum trying to win battle with said cranky kid= later bedtime...... you get the drift
Coupled with fact that we have an awful lot going on re work/ business/ home repairs- it's been a very very stressful six months- as I said all things I could well cope with normally but all together -has been overwhelming.
DH and I had a very frank and honest discussion about everything- we both realise we are both totally wound up and need to get perspective- have vowed to put kids routines first and support each other on this- he has been absent due to above pressures and leaving mostly to me, but he now realises I need the help
It's been a massive weight off my shoulders and fingers crossed will work out
As for the guilt of loosing it with the kids- your kind words have really helped- my kids happiness is number one- so that's the Centre that all else must fit around
Thanks again.

Thanks for the update, I'm glad you are feeling in a better place. It sounds like you and your DH are making great progress in improving things.

BTW - your last sentence about puttng your kids' happiness at the centre...don't forget to put your and your DH's happiness at the centre too. Being around happy, positive parents is a great way for children to grow into confident, happy adults.