out of control son, refuses to go to school, driving us to breaking point

[worrieddad1234]

Hi, dad's forums not as good as here for advice, so here i am.
We have a 14 year old son, where to start? Main issue is he flatly refuses to get dressed in the mornings for school, he's getting too big built for us to have to physically dress him and drag him to school. 715am and all you hear from our house is shouting and screaming trying to get him to get ready to go, me same job over 20 years, have to be there by the time he's supposed to be at school. he only says he's not being bullied etc, he just hates school with passion. my wife has a fast heartbeat and she is on the verge of a heart attack due to his behaviour. He begged us to change his school-reluctantly we did, he then hated that one and begged us to send him back to his previous, which we did, that was a year ago. he seems to delight in the discussion that he's going to just drop out and do nothing. threatening to remove his xbox, tv, phone, etc etc has no effect he couldn't care less. point is we by law have to send him to school, or get fined or prison...how do you really do this, if he won't go willingly?
my wife can't drag him to the car. i am already at work by then.
for my defence i have recorded him many times kicking off and refusing to go. the doors banging and shouting i could do without at that time of the morning. believe me if i could afford boarding school he'd be living there, i don't recognise our son anymore, whats more i even took him to the local police station about his behaviour as our 13 year old son is autistic, and the elder one never stops beating the hell out of him, he is a horrible spiteful boy, and he was not brought up that way, i've been told if social services get involved they just take all your kids, and then you have to fight to get them back, it's not fair on us or the other kids just because one person is destroying our family. he honestly couldn't give two....if we split up as a family and have to live seperately. i'd like to avoid that situation but he's driving me to a breakdown and his mum to her grave unless he changes. helpful advice, yeh i'll take a look. the police didn't want to know, i have taken him in several times as a last resort-they say there's nothing they can do....as per usual then, i told them last time before i walked out that you will soon be knocking at my door when he's 16 and causing havoc with his mates, then i'll tell them he's there problem and they could of at least given him a talking to. he does not listen to us at all. he has no respect for us at all. the school is not willing to send a teacher to collect him, so where is all this help available about getting your child to go to school? all i have found on websites is you have a duty to send them to school, not HOW you can force them !!!

Homeschooling, not an option because as time went on he would do less and less work.
Meeting held, just got back. went better than expected, myself & wife explained everything, the head of his year took many notes, and stated she felt we were doing everything possible to get him to school-but obviously a "school refuser" isn't easy to deal with. The lady explained he wasn't on the radar yet, and was surprised to hear of our problems as son is doing as well as the other kids, he's in the gifted and talented group. I showed her a one minute clip on my fone taken last year, of him refusing to get dressed for school, not co-operating etc. after that she said he seems to be suffering anxiety and has traits of Autism... how she can tell from a 1 minute video i don't know. anyhow she has assured us, tomorrow he can walk in to the bridge (isolation) tomorrow-or she will come home with another teacher to talk with him, she says she has a lot of people that can help, and the ball will be rolling tomorrow. She does have avenues open that we can't access. To be honest, she was very understanding and is very willing to get started on his issues. We were happy coming out the meeting and felt relieved. CAHMS, who we tried to approach several times are always stating they are underfunded and oversubscribed, they help only 1 in 100 families, however the head of year stated, by referal from school, he can be assessed. We already have 1 kid with Autism, god forbid we have 2, it's a choker to be honest because our 3 year old daughter has already shown signs of Autism, for the last year and half, so we could have 3 children with autism....how much can life throw at you? Surprised really as neither myself or wife's relatives have ever had a case of Autism.
Anything else that crops up, i will post here, unless post is closed-but Thanks again to all who posted their opinions.

OP, One good thing. If the school is unaware of any problem and your ds is only kicking off at home, that's because he feels safe letting rip at home. Which is a huge + vote for your parenting.

He's 14, growing up fast & needs an outlet for all that latent energy/aggression. Plus he sounds really bright. If he stopped martial arts, can you let him try some alternatives. My brother took his ds who had similar problems to a climbing & mountaineering school. It cost £25 a weekend but gave the whole family some downtime, helped his ds enormously. After 3 months everyone was happier & calmer. Might be worth a try. Or sailing or fencing or carting maybe.

I hope everything goes well. Don't just assume he won't do any work of you do HE.

It doesn't have to be traditional school subjects it could be learning the guitar which goes onto writing songs/music, gardening, learning about plants garden design etc.

All involve Maths and English.

It could be a proviso of him staying away from school. That he doesn't lie in bed all day.
Personally I hated all school and it wouldn't have mattered how big or small the school was I just didn't want to be there.

I’m afraid I havent had chance to read all the replies but just wanted to agre that considering an ASD assessment for this son is a good idea. Many young ppl who refuse school have an undiagnosed ASD. If you have one son with ASD it is more likely for siblings to have the condition. It may have been well hidden until now but underlie his behaviour. I know it would be a shock but it could really help him and you think about his difficulties in s different way. Good luck.

I had this my daughter at this age..he sounds like he's having you on

This video may help. It gives you a different perspective on behavioural issues and alternative ways to manage them. It has been really useful to us