Feel so guilty over birth of second child

[ellieflower123]

We have a beautiful 3.5 year old DS who has always been highly sensitive and resistant to change. He is hard work in comparison to our friends children, but we've found ways to make things easier for him (and ourselves) like prepping him before we go places, reassuring him etc. Last month I gave birth to our DD and I honestly feel like I have ruined everyone's life. Whilst I was pregnant I suffered with really bad SPD so couldn't play with my son as much or even walk by the end and relyed on my husband to do most of the looking after of our DS. I felt a shift in the relationship between my DS and I and it feels like we're just getting further and further apart. He's jealous of the new baby and tries to nip/ hit/ bite her if she is even put down so we have to hold her all the time when he is around. It's exhausting and I feel so much guilt that I am neglecting my DS and my DD. Please tell me it will get easier, because I really can't cope at the moment.

Sounds perfectly normal but I think you are going to have to enforce some tough discipline to avoid your eldest damaging the baby. Give up the guilt, it's not helping you and get ready for some harder parenting. Time outs are perfectly okay at that age to reinforce the message

Thanks for the reply @ginswinger, we've tried the naughty step but he apologises, says he won't do it again, and then does?! I feel like I've broken our family by having another baby.

I think it’s quite normal to feel like this. Remember that this time next year DS won’t even remember his sister not being around. I would praise like crazy every time he does anything remotely helpful with regards to his sister, make a big fuss of him being a great big brother. If you haven’t already, get him a present ‘from her’. Unless it’s dangerous, try to avoid criticism of his physicality with her, just talk lots about being gentle and notice every time he is good with her (and keep her with you when you leave the room etc...) Tell him how she loves him, ‘she’s watching you play with your cars’ etc Etc I find it helps to pander to their ego abit at this stage.

It’s v common for a sibling to be jealous and for you to feel like ‘what have I done!’

If it helps, I have same age gap as you. I can remember standing over DS’ bed crying with guilt after his sister was born. 2 years later they are the absolute best of friends. They hug and kiss every day when we pick him up from school!

I have a similar age gap and felt very similar but it got so much better after a few months. You have not ruined your eldest’s life, I promise. I now have a toddler and a five year old and the toddler does his fair share of nipping biting and the rest but they get on really well; your time will come.

Congratulations on your little one.

Could you try explaining to him that you want to do something nice with him (play doh, colouring etc) so you are going to put the baby down, but if he hurts her then you will have to pick her up and then you cant do the nice activity with him? At least then he might associate you putting her down with him doing something nice and getting to spend 1:1 time with you? I know it cant happen every time you put her down but it might be a start. Try and get him involved in helping with her, and praise him lots when he is good with her x

It's a fairly typical reaction to a new baby, don't panic. You just have to keep repeating yourself and follow through on consequences for being unkind to the baby. You haven't "broken" your family! It may take a while but they will begin to have a relationship and it will become easier.

From your eldest's point of view the baby takes a lot of your attention/time and does nothing positive for him. I can see why it's a big ask to be enthusiastic and loving towards a new sibling!

Are you able to spend any time alone with him, maybe if your partner takes the baby for a while. Even if it's just a short amount of time, to have your full attention will be beneficial. I think you should put the baby down around your eldest, but then sit and play with your eldest whilst the baby has a kick around. Get him used to the idea of the baby being around. When my DS2 was little I wouldn't leave him unsupervised with my older one, even if I thought he'd be gentle there's always the possibility of an accident/misjudgement. So baby or toddler would come into whatever room I was in, so I knew what they were doing.

I had this age gap and found it hard too. DS1 felt very pushed out when DS2 arrived and I seemed to be permanently stuck on the sofa feeding with DS2, so DS1 was physically blocked from getting to me.

Things that can help: having some one-on-one time while the baby is sleeping, take a walk together with baby in pram so you and he can chat, hand baby to your DH sometimes and do things with your DS, make sure he has some fun time with his dad, but also zero tolerance of pinching, etc. That is not on at all and he could hurt her.

I did think about a sticker chart but he seems more inclined to respond to 'negative' punishments so if I tell him not to hurt her or I will take one of his toys away, he listens. I guess we're being really inconsistent in how we manage this as we are just so tired with a non sleeping, colicky newborn! We did try the ignore the bad and praise the good approach for a little while, so maybe we need to go back to that.
It's comforting to know that others have gone through this as well!