Am I a bad Mum??

[Blackmamba2008]

I have two children, one 15 year old and one toddler. For the past five years or so my eldest has made life very difficult. He steals, lies all the time, has hurt his little brother. Was caught teaching his little brother how to open the stair gate on the top of the stairs. Didn’t lock his bedroom door one morning despite always doing it because of the youngest but not only did he leave the door wide open he also left his bedroom window wide and I mean wide open knowing that little one would go in, climb into the bed and possibly fall to his death! Luckily he didn’t! But still with other behaviour displayed alarm bells rang! He Shows no respect at all for me or our house. The list goes on. So after years I’ve finally had enough and called Social services for help. I informed my mum that I had done this and she took it upon herself to collect my eldest and take him to hers as she didn’t want him to go into the system and due to me suffering from bipolar she suggested I had a break so I didn’t get poorly. Obviously I didn’t want my boy to go into care but I needed him to know I was serious. There’s been other examples of behaviour that I won’t mention on here but even though im angry I’m heartbroken that he’s now gone to live with my mum as within 24 hours she was on the phone talking about she’s sorted his room, that he needs the rest of his things etc. I just feel lost and empty! I’m frustrated because I’m now being judged by family even though my mum threw me out at 15 with nowhere to go and I had a good reason to be a troublesome child. My son does not. He has not endured any abuse etc just isn’t a nice child. Which obviously hurts me to say but I’m not one of these mothers who’s child can do no wrong! If he’s a shit I’ll say he’s a shit! So anyway now he’s being rewarded for his behaviour, taken shopping, my sister has already stopped speaking to me with no explanation and I feel like I’m being made out to be a bad mother for putting my youngest safety first! Meanwhile I feel lost, alone and like a complete failure! Did I do the wrong thing?!

Didn’t lock his bedroom door one morning despite always doing it because of the youngest but not only did he leave the door wide open he also left his bedroom window wide and I mean wide open knowing that little one would go in, climb into the bed and possibly fall to his death!

He is a 15 year old. He forgot. You are the mother, he is not. He is not infallible and nor are you.

Tbh you sound as though you cannot stand him, your mother had to take him to prevent him going into care and you now remark he is being rewarded with shopping. Are you serious?

Did you expect to throw him out and have everyone else punish him too?

It is best he no longer lives with you for his sake.

If I am to understand this you wanted him to have a spell in care to frighten him and improve his behaviour only it back fired and your mum took him instead and you're pissed off he isn't terrified and in care?

Involving social services is no joke as you've found out.

Step back and look at the bigger picture. You want both your kids to be safe. Now they are.

Your son is not entered into a govt system to be remembered forever as a problem - he’s found a place to stay and is out of your hair for a while. 15 year old boys are the hardest! Give him some time to grow up a bit. I imagine he’s behaving a bit better over there or he wouldn’t be invited so readily?

Stop worrying about being judged and realise that, regardless of your mother’s intentions, things are easier for everyone now. It’s hard to do that, I know, but that’s what you need to do.

Teenage years are temporary. This might be just what he needs to set him up for a better life.

I agree with the first poster. The toddler needs to learn. You are probably making the same mistake with him as your teenager..... wrapping up in cotton wool. Your son is 15 years old. You had the toddler, not him. He shouldn't have to keep his room locked in his own home. Jesus.

I think it is wise and nice your Mum took him. You two clearly need a break from each other. If he as bad as you say his good behaviour won't last long and your Mum will have to deal with himself.

Let him stay with your Mum. Concentrate on your toddler.

Plenty of people have bipolar disorder and live perfectly normal productive lives. You need to be on the right medicine, when you are the bipolar is controlled. It shouldn't be used as an excuse these days because it can be dealt with very effectively.

I don't know what else has gone on, but the things you described are not awful behaviour. The window thing is ridiculous. If his window opens all the way and you're worried about your toddler falling out then it's up to you as a parent to find a way of securing the windows so it isn't left to a teenager to remember to shut it.

Same with the stair gate. Showing his little brother how to open it is annoying, not a really terrible thing. They work them out eventually on their own anyway at some point and then you have to find other ways to keep them safe.

It all sounds a bit late in the day to be asking for help now that he's 15. Maybe living at his grandmothers might be a better situation for him and for you, for now. Have you thought about what help you might need with your youngest, to try and prevent the same thing from happening again?

Sorry, you wanted him to spend a stint in care because he taught his brother something and forgot to lock his door which is only dangerous because you don't watch your toddler? Are you serious!? Let him live with your mother if you don't want him.

Am I a bad mum??
No but you're not managing your relationship with your 15 year old very well.
You wanted to scare him into thinking you might send him into care if he doesn't behave - this is not ok. It won't achieve anything beside creating resentment, anger and fear anyway.
I don't know what else he's done, but his behaviour as you've described can be a call for help/attention. He's 15 but he's still a child. It all would've been managed better with honest conversations, clear rules and consequences, and a lot of love and patience.
Maybe it's a good thing that he's at your mum's now, it does sound like you need a break from each other.

You wanted to scare him into thinking you might send him into care if he doesn't behave - this is not ok.

She didn't threaten though she actually did it and now he has actually had to leave his home. It wasnt a threat in his eyes or the ops she actually meant it.

So anyway now he’s being rewarded for his behaviour, taken shopping, my sister has already stopped speaking to me with no explanation and I feel like I’m being made out to be a bad mother for putting my youngest safety first!

This is shocking. She is actually annoyed her 15 year old has been taken in and cared for by family after wanting him out just as she cant watch her own toddler.

Not worried she may never repair the relationship with her son. Pissed off her plan backfired. I find this contemptible.

Did you expect to throw him out and have everyone else punish him too

Exactly . He didn't ask to be born OP he's YOUR child. He's being a bratty teenager, get over it. You sound callous and the type of person who shouldn't have kids if you can't love them unconditionally to be honest. What happens when your youngest has an awful teenage faze? Kicking him out too?

I think calling SS was definitely not the way to go and they may focus on your child still in the home to check they are safe etc. Also I firmly believe children are a product of their parents. Therefore if he is not a nice child then this is often due to poor parenting. I think your sister is being unreasonable to not speak to you and if I was your mother I would be trying to help you repair the damage but it sounds like your son is in the right place for now.

Given the situation you should be incredibly grateful that your DS has a loving safe home. You should be thanking your DM for stepping in and breaking what has become a very unhealthy cycle/environment with your DS. 15yo boys can be pretty vile, not that unusual. You will probably find in a different environment his behaviour is much different. Sounds like the best thing all round, no idea why you are snakey about it.

I think him staying with your mum is a good balance in this situation. I come from a large, close, happy family and a couple of my niece's and nephews ended up at their Nan's for a bit, when teenage behaviour kicked in, and it helped.

Take advantage of her not taking his bs and, hopefully, being on his best behaviour for her. You might all benefit from a break.

It's a difficult one. I'm not going to sit here and berate you for the decision you felt you had to take, nor am I going to pat you on the back for it.

I think you know what you've done is wrong, you wouldn't be on here asking otherwise. I think the thing you need to realise is that as soon as you involve SS, it is YOU under the microscope, not your son. Bringing SS in on any home situation, on your own kids, will not improve your relationship with your child. Unless you explain, in calm, plain terms as to why you did it, he'll never understand and probably hate you for it. It doesn't make it right but it puts a little context to it, conveys your thoughts and emotions and informs HIM of what you need. That said, you HAVE to listen to him too, over all of the concerns and issues he has. And also bear in mind, his mum has phoned SS on him for, what in reality are, trivial reasons that you admit to dealing with every day, other than this.

Don't use your illness as a cover, it doesn't help him or you. If you're having trouble coping, get to the GP ASAP and get yourself back in order. You can't help anybody if you don't help yourself.

90% of teenagers are little shits, you're not the first or last... Work on you first, he's safe for now so focus on what you need to do and if you actually want him back, what you can do to alter the situation. I am a firm believer that children are the products of their parents, accept your part of the blame.

I just hope this hasn't pushed him OR you to the extremes. Learn from this experience.