what was it like growing up as one of three kids?

[lovingmumhood]

DH and I have a Son who is five months old and a Son who is eighteen months old.

I wanted a big family before and DH was ok with it, but after much soul searching and questioning I don't want that anymore. He is happy about this.

We are considering having number 3, DH is one hundred percent on board with having a third and final child, but equally happy not having anymore! Financially, we'd make it work, space wise we would be OK and, whilst I always have a difficult time with the pregnancy/birth/recovery (especially with DC two) I would get over that. The thing that really holds me back is thinking about how much it would change the dynamics. DH is one of three boys, I am one of a brother/sister dynamic and I know I would have loved a third, husband was easy osey about being one of three, but at the same time the eldest out of him and his bros is the 'odd one out' definitely. That being said there are four years between each whereas ours would all be close together, deliberately.

I want to hear as many experiences as possible of people who were one of three to see how it affected you positively/negatively. Part of me decides to stick with two and be grateful and then gets heartbroken thinking of never having another one and not feeling quite done yet, then part of me decides to have a third and then I get guilty thinking I am being selfish and we'd be able to give the boys more if there were just the two of them. I guess part of it is that when I was pregnant with number two, I thought there'd be a bunch more and had no idea it could possibly be my last child, so didn't mentally 'prepare'.

I have 3 sons. They are all within 4 years.

Age 1.5, 3.5 and 5.5

They all get on amazingly so far. Life would be easier with just 2 of them. But they’re a fab bunch. All so cuddly and loving and kind. They adore each other.

I probably should have stuck at 2 as then the big two could have more one on one time (homework help etc) but I’d have been FOREVER thinking “what if”

The thing that swung it for me was what would I regret more potentially. Having a 3rd or not having a 3rd. I knew without doubt I’d regret not having one more than I’d regret having one. And I still agree with that (even tho 3 is hard work!)

I'm one of 3 and for that reason I've had 2 kids because I would have to have 4 rather than 3 iyswim.

I hated it. One of us were or are close.

This could of course just be a personality thing but it's not something I was willing to risk.

*none of us

I am one of 3, I did like having siblings but tbh there was often one left out, it cycled around as to which was left out but I often felt I would have preferred being one of 2 or one of 5 or something lol

I am the middle one of 3. Older DB, younger DSis. Honestly? I wouldn’t have 3 kids. The third doesn’t seem like it would be much different to two but it makes everything so much more expensive. You need a bigger car, family trips out are difficult because family tickets are always for four, hotel rooms/holidays you always need an extra one. I had to share a room with my DSis until I was 13 years old when my parents extended the house and whilst it was ok when we were younger, I really resented it when I was older. Parental attention is much more stretched once children outnumber parents.

It wasn’t terrible and I love my siblings of course. On the plus side our house always seemed much more lively and fun than friends’ houses where there was only 1 or 2 of them.

I'm one of 3, I can honestly never remember any serious fall outs, just low level bickering.
We are all still really close now as adults. We were all always on the same team rather than friends of ours who were always looking to tell tales on their siblings we always looked out for each other.
We go girl- boy- girl in 18 month increments. Don't know if that makes a difference.
Personally though I'm stopping at 2 children, mine are 4 and 7 and get on so well I don't want to risk upsetting the balance by adding a 3rd.

I am the youngest of three. There is quite a big gap between my elder and younger brother, and the eldest was very abusive to us. Our parents didn't give a shit as their first born was the favourite and they did whatever to keep him happy, even at the expense on their other children. I have wondered all my life why they had 3 kids when they clearly only cared about the first one

Our issues were not due to the number of children, but because we being treated unequally IYSWIM. As long as all your children are loved then I would say 3 is a good number. I do wonder if it gets harder to give equal care the more children someone has, or if one is then more likely to become the favourite. As the third I was definitely the most neglected, maybe DM just ran out of love after two?

We had no problems with space etc., and I'm glad I had at least one brother who actually loved me as a sister. I would have chosen to have 3 myself but things didn't work out so I just have the one.

I am one of 3, all close in age. I have an older sister and younger brother and am close to both, but see more of my brother as our kids are a similar age. I never felt like our parents should have had 2 or 4 kids at all, 3 was fab.
My DH is the eldest of 4. We have 3 together. My sister also has 3. It is certainly loud, expensive and busy, but wouldn't change a thing.

I have three girls, 2 years between each! If I was to do it again I’d have 2 or 4, it’s true what they say that 3 is a crowd! Always one of left out or two play nicely together and min 3rd gets involved ww3 breaks out! Oldest and youngest get in well and their very dominant bossy temperament, middle child is more laid back and submissive and gets on very well with youngest but her and my oldest don’t get along, oldest can’t stand her and it makes life hard at times! So it’s always my middle child who ends up feeling left out! I honestl feels that if I’d of had a 4th when they were abit younger it would of been easier as they play lovely in pairs! However youngest is 8 almost so no point now! But yes from my own personal experience I’d stick to even numbers if I was to do it again! The cost etc doesn’t come into it for me as it’s always gonna be more expensive adding another person! X

I'm one of 3 or 4, depending how you look at it... I know this sounds odd, but I liked being one of many despite or perhaps even because we weren't and aren't close. One of my sister's is a total pita, the others are nice enough, we just don't have much in common.

I liked the house being full of people and there being lots of people around the table, I didn't need a close sibling relationship. My mother is quite intense and more of her attention would not have been better, I prefer her attention diluted! My father worked all the time anyway and I don't think our relationship would have been different if I'd been one of two or an only, except that he might have taken it even harder when I dropped physics and chose arts subjects for A level...

I have 3 and ATM they are pretty close (ages 6-12). They have their own rooms but choose to sleep on one another's floors in the holidays, and are usually within a couple of meters of one another if in the house without friends over, they look out for each other and although they bicker a bit they never actually fight. I don't think anyone is left out. However I am aware that sibling relationships always look rosier as the parent than one of the siblings.

I'm one 3. Biggest issue was simply not enough time for each of us. Most of the focus went on my younger brother when he came along (I was 7 by then) as he was a very demanding child right from being born. My mum was exhausted. (My older brother and I were the complete opposite, really easy babies and children apparently. Until my older brother grew up and got up to a fair amount of mischief.)

I think my older db needed more help in school, they didn't even realise he was dyslexic until his last year of high school. So he suffered academically. There was no time to help everyone with homework. Everyone was either at work, busy with the household or sorting other dc out, or simply too tired. Once youngest db started preschool mum went back to work and there just wasn't any time at all for us then. I hated it. I'd get home to an empty house oftentimes, that was the worst, just being alone after a horrible day at school. My elder db was always out with friends causing trouble and other db in childcare after school.

At home my mum was either cooking or cleaning, doing laundry, ironing uniforms etc. Always busy. I did extremely well at school however I had severe anxiety, was bullied and did not eat during a school week. I felt too guilty offloading my worries to her as she was trying her best just to keep us all alive and run a household. She didn't even notice that I barely ate as I only saw her a few hours an evening. She would have been horrified at the bullying too. I just loved her too much to cause more work or worry, even though she was always so open and told me to share anything. I felt incredibly loved but looking back things really changed after younger db was born, and not for the better.

There was also less money and less space. And a lot more squabbling and arguments! We had to go without a lot of things. I never had pocket money, could never buy the clothes I wanted except at Christmas time, or do half of the fun things I wanted to. Honestly, that really really sucked, especially during the high school years. I have so many regrets about things I missed out on. (Would never ever say that to my dm and sound so selfish and ungrateful though!)

I do love my brothers but I'm not incredibly close with them either. I think things were better before db2 came along (that sounds awful I know!) though I couldn't imagine him not being around now of course! To be fair I think if one parent was a sahp then it would have been such a different childhood for us. Even if I were an only child I would have preferred my mum around tbh, to collect from school (awful bus journey instead) and help me or just spend time with me. Unfortunately my parents couldn't afford to do it. (Dc3 was unplanned as it were.)

I've found I'm going in the opposite direction with dd as a result of my childhood. Giving her everything (well almost) and letting her experience as many things as possible. Giving her tons of time and attention. Helping her where needed and always being aware of her emotions. She's 3! I probably need to rein it in a little.

That's just one experience though. Lots of families thrive with big numbers. (Although as one pp said I think the siblings perpective when they grow up could be quite different to the parents.) Ultimately you don't want to regret anything when it's too late. It's quite a big decision to make and I have a lot of respect for how much thought you're putting into it.

*one of 3

Sorry op, that post turned out to be longer than anticipated!

I was one of 3 - me, my brother 2.5yr younger, sister another 4 years younger. We had no issues with it. My brother and I bickered a lot, but I think we would have as 2 anyway. I also think it probably taught us useful life skills! We all get on now as adults. In some ways there was less direct competition, as if one of you gets something (new shoes, school award etc) it is not just one of you who missed out.

I always find the argument that parents don't have enough time for 3 kids odd, given nobody ever suggests that's a reason why one parent should stay at home ... Work tends to eat into your 1:1 time with your kids more than one more kid...

There are certainly practical reasons to stop at 2 though, mainly financial and because having a baby (whether it's dc2 or dc3) does take a lot of parental time and energy and if you're unlucky lead to serious long term sleep deprivation (which was dc3 for me, and if it had been dc2 there might not have been a dc3) which makes you a less good parent to the other child/ ren while it's going on.

I'm one of three and I have three children. I think it works really well (as long as there isn't a big age gap) as there is generally someone who wants to do something with you...for for example today DS2 spent time coding with DS1 (which DD was to young for) and then DS2 went and played pool with DD (which DS1 didn't want to do).

It feels like the perfect amount of children.

Incidentally, I find a lot of grown up families where there have been three children also get on well with their siblings.

I'm one of 3, 2 older brothers, one 20 months older, one 5 years older, there was a lot of competition between the middle child and I, but both brothers were very protective of me. As far as I'm aware none of us felt left out!! I'm pregnant with my 3rd, have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old x

1 of 3. 2 older brothers. Great.

I am the eldest of three, brother is two years younger and sister is four years younger. Until recently, I was close to both (now only see my sister) but they were never close.

I'm the oldest of 3. All girls. Yeah we argued and drove my mum mad but now we are so close. I couldn't tell you the last day we didn't speak to each other.

Should add I also have 3 as does one sister. We find 3 is the best number

thankyou so much everyone, this is really, really appreciated :)

I won't try and reply to everyone's individual responses! I can say though, from reading them all, it has made me a little less worried, even the negative ones because..

1. I am a stay at home mum and my husband and I decided that one of us will always be a stay at home parent (I plan to finish my book and also do a youtube channel but those things will not eat into any time I have with the kids), I will always be there to walk them to/from school, hubby and I will split homework help based on our strong points, I have seen a method for more than two children called 'tuck time' where, in this case every three nights, you rotate so one of the children gets an extra fifteen minutes of alone time reading or talking with the parents in the evening so they all get one on one time. I will not be using baby sitters, childminders, after school club etc I was in childcare constantly through having two high ranking working parents and money/space was never an issue for me and my brother, but time was and there was aloooot of emotional problems in the house.
2. I have anxiety, depression and OCD myself which have manifested in suicide attempts, self harm, disordered eating and other problems (no suicide attempts or self harm for nine years though, I am stable and would never do that to my family) and as such, both my husband and myself are very aware of how important it is to be open, honest and talk about feelings. We have even planned to have a family circle time once a week, where all children get a chance to, without judgement and mediated by us, air any grievances they have with each other or us and also talk about any good things they want to share.
3. There would be room sharing involved, but I think from what I've seen and from what my husband told me about sharing a room with his brother and one of my best friends through sharing with her sister, it is how you approach it. We would make the absolute upmost effort to have our children secure in the knowledge that they are all equally loved, valued, respected and cherished. Whatever they like doing, whatever they decide to study, whatever job they want, whatever lifestyle they want to lead and whoever they love.
4. I am, partially because of my OCD and partially just innately, an obsessive planner! For this reason, homecooked meals, clean house, lots of activities, toys and emotional openness are on the menu! I aspire to be a mum they are proud of and one that everybody who steps through the door finds welcoming. I don't just view myself as somebody 'without a job'. I view being a full time mum AS my job. As such, their dentist, optician, health visitor, vaccination, doctor appointments are well planned, school visits/parents evenings would be approached with an open mind (and I would listen properly to what the children tell me is the truth as well as teachers!), we would do lots of activities (allowing the children to rotate choose the games we play and things we do) and always, open conversation.

I am 'that' person.. a fairly liberal, tattooed and pierced, vegan, young (twenty three years old and planning for baby three, pregnancy five), married young (just turned twenty one, husband was twenty) to my highschool sweetheart etc etc. I am absolutely determined that my children will no without doubt that they were so wanted and are so cherished. I experienced alot of problems growing up, I was abused (not by family), terrible relationships with my father (he drank alot and had anger issues), brother got into drugs and gambling and even got violent with me once, was always super close with mum however and lots of mental health problems. My husband's childhood was less turbulent, but his parents divorced when he was ten and his dad has made a point of only seeing him about one or two days every two years (and moved across the globe with his new, third, family!). So as you can imagine, there's alot we both don't want our children to feel and as such, no matter the number, would try our hardest to accomplish.

Thankyou for all your responses :) I really appreciate it and will discuss it with my husband later :) xxxxx

I should also say one more point..we, luckily as I know many aren't this fortunate, have great help in family. Both my parents are wonderful, hands on grandparents who love to see the boys and look after them when asked (they live about an hour away) and my husband's mum is also a wonderful hands on grandmother who is exactly the same. We are close with all three of them and know we could lean on them for help (and have done so at points already). Also, husband's nineteen year old (awesome) brother and his (lovely) girlfriend are expecting a surprise baby in May and they love to visit and help with the boys and my older brother and his awesome girlfriend also love seeing them. My husbands older brother is forever studying and travelling so, he can't really being that he isn't here alot.

I’m the youngest of three. It was absolutely brilliant - my sister who was the oldest played with my brother (middle) and then I came along and she did her own thing while we played (6 year gap between me and her) but always watched over us. We all had a happy childhood, and as adults we all still do stuff together and all go on holiday with each other’s families. I was really happy there was 3 of us.

Oldest of 3. Was more of a second mother than a sister (big age gap) until he was old enough to want to be doing things he shouldn’t have been doing (underage drinking, sneaking out) and the sibling he’s closer to in age wouldn’t assist in his shenanigans. I still do feel like the tester child as parents become more laid back as time goes on!