Boyfriend struggling with 2 month old

[Know95]

My LB is 2 months old, he's our first. I'm coping better than I expected too which is great. But my partner is really struggling and makes awful comments like why did we do this etc.. I think he's got PD. My sister in law said his brother took 6 months to bond with there first born so I think it might be a similar situation. I just feel like I'm doing it all on my own, even though he helps out around the house and stuff, he hates helping with our LB. Has anyone else experienced something similar in the early months & what did you do about it?

I had this with my DH. We had been together for over 10 years and I knew him inside out. But having our DD nearly destroyed us. He found it so hard to adjust. He was brilliant at helping me and around the house but hated doing stuff with her. It took 6 months for him to love her, which I really struggled with. How could the man I knew not love his own child? It was the hardest time of my life and I actually told him to leave several times as he was making it harder for me to cope. He didn't, and I'm glad he didn't as now 13 months in, he is the most amazing dad and they have the most fabulous relationship.

Our DD was much wanted and planned and he talks about those early months with great pain as he feels he missed out on what I was seeing/feeling but he couldn't love her immediately.

When she started smiling, laughing, responding, giving us something back things got better very quickly.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and talking to mum friends now it was actually very common. Just nobody talked about it. Do you have much support? NCT group or similar?

Let him help around the house/help you. That's his way of being useful. Don't force the baby on him, pressing the issue won't help. You just have to let it happen naturally. It's so, so hard but he will get there.

Congratulations on your DS! You're doing brilliantly.

Talk to him then send him to parenting classes. Then make sure he spends quality time with him. Make him read his bedtime story or whatever works.

Our boy is now 7 but my husband still gets upset when he thinks about how hard and horrible it was at the start. Men get depressed too and this is a huge change for him. The sense of “oh crap what have we done and holy cow we can’t even undo it!” is huge. Rather than have him feel he has failed, praise his successes. He may need to talk to someone else just to be able to unload without feeling guilty.

Exactly the same happened here. It improved a little at 3 months, a lot at 6 months and he was infatuated by a year once DD could move and then started to saf words. She's now his best pal.

My DH really struggled for the first 6 months of DS1's life too. He did the nappy changes and getting up to get a bottle in the night etc. but he didn't enjoy it and definitely didn't feel bonded. Luckily he had some good friends who had been through similar and he just stuck it out till he started feeling more love towards DS1. Now DS1 is almost 5 and they have a great relationship, you would never know he found it hard at first.

DS2 is 3 months old and DH is finding it hard this time too, although not as much as last time. DS2 starting to smile has helped, and at least we know it will get better soon!

Hang in there.

I think it can be a huge shock for men, let's be honest the first child can be a huge shock for women too. Some men feel excluded like its a club that they haven't been invited to join, feel too male, ignorant iyswim. Many think women have baby caring hard wired into them and that we instinctively will know best/more than them and then they go back to work and that tends to become reality. Sound advice on here, give it time, let him help how he feels able to, maybe make one thing around bedtime his job so that he becomes the 'expert' in that so doesn't feel so incapable. Try not to take over when he tries to help but takes ages/does it a different way to you. I am sure as dc grows you will see the bond develop. Best wishes.