Overly cautious/anxious 4yo dd

[StrokeCatsEatPizza]

I am just looking for some advice re my dd who turned 4 recently. Sorry this will be long as I'm going to try and explain the best I can.

She is very confident socially, great speech, doing well with starting to write and numbers at nursery etc. She's the child who will sit and do arts and crafts for hours and definitely prefers being indoors than outdoors. Very much like me as a child.

The only issue we have had (and she's been like this since she was very young) is she's extremely cautious about physical activities. She loves going to the playground but hates the swings, will only go on a tiny baby slide with a hell of a lot of encouragement, won't go on a trampoline or bouncy castle at all. I've stopped taking her to soft play because she won't climb anything. She's terrified of heights and doesn't like anything which goes 'fast.' She will go on her balance bike but goes very slowly and freaks out if it wobbles slightly. Just to paint a picture!

I was the same as a child and didn't learn to ride a bike until quite late and I couldn't swim until I was near enough in secondary school (which I absolutely do not want for her! It's such an important skill and I wish my parents had sorted out proper lessons for me). And I am absolutely kicking myself for not taking her swimming when she was a tiny baby because I think I've missed my chance to introduce her to it calmly now. She's only been swimming once before on holiday when she was 2 and had an epic tantrum when we held her in the pool, and she would only paddle in the toddler pool after us encouraging her for about 3 days straight. She hates getting her face wet, even in the bath. I've been putting off taking her swimming now for so long because I know it will be a disaster and it's only going to be worse the older she gets. I am not great in water so it's really difficult.

We recently went somewhere with an old carousel there and she screamed and cried when I asked her to go on it with me. I eventually got her on and just as they were about to start the ride, she froze and screamed hysterically that she needed to get off. The staff came rushing over and helped us both off and she was upset for ages afterwards. We have been to a children's theme park when she was 3, and she was scared stuff of going on the little rides but I forced her to come on with me (and she clung on to me for dear life, and sobbed the whole way round! It was only a little Christmas themed ride where you go slowly round a flat track in a cart thing). She ended up liking the rides and going on more with some encouragement after that but it's just getting her to get over the first hurdle and try something out in the first place which is the problem.

Anyway, I am looking for advice on how to encourage her to be more confident with these physical activities. I have no idea how to do it because she is very stubborn and hard to talk round to doing something she doesn't want to do.

I'm sad that she's taken after me in this respect because her Dad was the complete opposite as a child (think rock climbing, chucking himself in to swimming pools and swimming at a very young age type of thing).

I am pretty laid back parenting-wise and I've never discouraged her or been anxious about her doing any physical activity at all, so I'm not sure what to do about this.

Can anyone please help?

Bump

No advice but following with interest as my little boy is similar.

I was that kid. Love trampolines and horses and swings and rollercoasters now (but never did learn to ride a bike without stabilisers).
Try not to fuss. Take her to places like soft play or carousels or places with trampolines and let her do what she wants. Don't push it, don't make an issue of it, but encourage her if she tries something.
She'll do what she wants as she's ready to do it.
Also as she get older friends will want to do things like bouncy castles and trampolines and big slides they may start tricking her into things.

My child is similar but not as bad.same age .

What I've found works best is giving advice on how to do the physical task in the playground that's so silly that she has to laugh and work it out for herself. Do eg - I know how to climb up this slide, you have to just get a bit of ear wax out your ear and use it like a sucker.... Ooh then throw your hair up to that cloud and use it to pull up on... OK OK I'm getting sensible now, you just have to pull out some belly button fluff and just find that handle in there that gives you an extra leg, then use the third leg to hop down the slide

It really works! (does take brain power to think of funny comments though!)

My dd then loves saying - silly mummy that's not how you do a slide etcetc

Previously have tried either standing back and ignoring, and helping whilst reassuring, and neither work for dd. Other mums do think I'm a bit mad and I've had to nc for this as it's a bit outing!

Could she perhaps be slightly dyspraxic and they often find swimming, cycling difficult. I wouldn't force her so much. She has to be free to say no. Just start with the things she is comfortable with and add in one tiny tiny change.
A little bit of rolling around on your bed or generally messing about is good too. Maybe have her dad rough and tumble a tiny bit with her but stop when she calls it.
I think because you found this stuff difficult you may be overly anxious for her hence adding to the situation.

Are you sure you are laid back? As a child, I was very similar to your daughter. My father was highly anxious and didn't encourage me to do anything at all so obviously that didn't help me. As a result, I try very hard to be a laid back parent. But that is outwardly and I'm sure that my children (under five) can pick up when I'm not feeling quite so laid back as I'm letting on.

I don't think you can force a child to be confidently. I'd let her lead the way. I know you meant well by trying to get her to try the carousel but if she is anything like my four year old, if she said she didn't want to go on it and I tried to force her, it would never end well as she wouldn't be open to the idea of enjoying it. I would say expose her to new things, if possible try to bring along another child her age and let them choose what they'd like to do together. Your daughter may not choose to do anything but seeing another child she knows having fun, just might plant the seed for her to try it herself another time.

If she appears to be getting more anxious and not just about physical things, it could be worth discussing with her teacher and seeing if you could refer her to somebody who could give you some help.

My daughter has always been afraid of many things, as a young child she hated swings, slides and even high chairs with wheels on! Trains and aeroplanes would result in total meltdowns, fireworks and thunder terrified her. Animals were frightening until we got a puppy, she literally spent the first month with her wellies on because she was so scared it would bite her feet!

She's 15 now and has managed to find many things she does enjoy so I don't believe it has limited her ultimately. I've always been laid back but my exOH was very uptight and I think contributed a lot to her fears.

When she was 5 she started swimming lessons which were good initially as long as she was in her own depth but it took her a long time to learn to float, I assume because of her anxiety about the water, and when the lessons progressed to the deep end she hated them.

What worked better for us was casual trips weekly to a local pool with friends. Over the course of a year she slowly progressed, entirely of her own accord. Without the pressure she was just having fun, testing her own limits until she was confident enough to try the water slide! One day she decided she was ready for the big pool and she just set of swimming, near the edge initially until she gained more confidence. That was when she started wanting lessons again and now she's an incredibly strong swimmer.

She still hates theme park rides but that's fine, they're not my thing either. She is able to manage most of her fears so they don't hold her back from the things she wants to do eg. flying, she hates heights and is anxious for weeks before a flight but has worked out her own strategies for coping.

Ironically her two main hobbies are horse riding and roller skating, both of which she has had awful accidents and injuries at and yet has overcome so much to conquer her fears and excel at them.

She's become one of the bravest people I know, and most importantly is not afraid of standing her ground over things she is not comfortable doing, which as a teenager I feel will stand her in good stead.

Thanks everyone for the replies. All really helpful and reassuring.

I am not very cautious about these things any more now I've gotten older. I still won't go on a big roller coaster or jump in to deep water but I'm fine with heights and trying new things now. I guess it just comes with age. I'm finding it difficult though because looking back, I probably passed up so many fun opportunities when I was a child and don't want dd to miss out. If that makes sense!

Her pre-school have picked up that she's not as confident as the other kids playing outside on the play frame etc and have said they are trying to encourage her to do more.

@jellybellywelly I will definitely try that tactic, thank you! I do that sometimes when she doesn't want to try food (although she's really good at eating generally) and it usually works. I hadn't thought of doing it with the physical stuff.

@junebirthdaygirl She was a late walker (20 months) and I was worried for a long time as she was showing all the signs of hyper mobility but the GP told me not to worry until she's older. She's always been slightly behind with the physical stuff like climbing etc but I'm not concerned about hyper mobility any more. I think most of it is cautiousness.

She's generally fine at home and will climb over the side of the settee, jump around on the bed and play fight with her Dad etc and I think it's because it's more familiar to her?

@ChocolatePodge your dd sounds fab. It's good to know she's grown up to love things such as ice skating and hasn't let her fears hold her back.

I think I will try and sort out some swimming lessons. I'm not sure how I will actually get her in the pool though because I can imagine the hysterics already! Her cousin who she really looks up to (she's 13) is a good swimmer and is in a swim team so I might see if we can do a trip to the swimming pool with her as it might encourage her to try it.

I can understand how you feel about this and it must be hard, but a few non judgmental thoughts that may help.

If your dd screamed when you asked her to go on the carousel ride, that was the sign to stop asking her. She clearly didn't want to go on for whatever reason.

I wouldn't stop going to soft play because she won't climb. There are lots of other reasons for going and in a safe environment, she may start exploring at her own pace.

If I were you, I would totally take the pressure off her. If you go somewhere with a ride, look at it, watch it, but don't suguest she goes on it. She may never suggest going on it, but that's okay. As she gets older, she may be able to articulate her fears a bit more, but for now I wouldn't force anything. She probably expects you're going to make her do things, which will make her anxious as soon as she realises it's going to happen.

The most important thing is that she feels you understand it's hard for her and it's okay not to want to do something.

I've had four and I've tried different things over the years, but quite often acknowledging a fear/anxiety and talking about it in a relaxed non confrontational way is often best.

Also, my four are so different in personalities and likes and dislikes. Each dc needs time to find their own personality.

Thanks @Super123 for the advice, it's all really helpful. Re the carousel, I thought it might be the same situation as when we went to the little theme park and she loved the rides once she had tried one. Luckily we could exchange the token to go on a different game (it was like a Victorian style fair ground thing) and she won a lollipop on the ring toss

I think I’d back of from pushing her towards being brave. Caution is a great protector! It feels like you want her to be something you weren’t. There is no need for her to love swings or roundabouts. Some children grow into it in their own time and others never really do. It doesn’t matter at all. If she wants to she will so I’d stop either pandering to fussing or actively encouraging performance in this area. If she wants toddler slide and sandpit then let her just enjoy it. She’ll be encouraged to move on soon enough by her friends at school.
If you really want her to become physically confident then enrol her in gymnastics so it removes and emotional pressure from your relationship with her.

I wouldn't do swimming lessons yet.

But I would do loads of trips to the pool. No pressure if she doesn't want to go in, or even doesn't want to sit on the edge. Just model having fun. And praise if she makes any progress.

@Crumbs1 thank you, I think I will just try and stick to things she likes doing. It does sound like I pressure her a lot but I promise I don't! A few people have said I should try her with gymnastics because she's very flexible

@TeenTimesTwo the pool is the one thing which worries me! I think I'll get her dad to take her with her grandad and cousin and tell him to just let her go at her own pace. I'm going to try and take her away on holiday this year so would be good if we can get somewhere with a pool so she has time to warm up to the idea!