Child's Behaviour and finding it tough

[Hardtocope]

My son is 11 and I find his constant behaviour so hard to cope with.
He is very silly, noisy and does not listen nor stop despite being told or punished.
He loves gaming and would play happily on the Xbox all day, I do admit to letting him spend more time on there because as soon as he comes off he will be running riot/annoying his siblings and I do find it a struggle.
He constantly shouts silly random things and loves to get his younger siblings copying him-even when I tell him to stop and calm down he will perhaps stop for a while but starts up again in minutes-mostly he just does not stop nor even acknowledge me.
Even on the Xbox he can be shouting things out and behaving in a very silly manner(most of the time he plays ok so hence I leave him to it)
He gets punished for his behaviour by being sent to his room to calm down or banned from the Xbox.
He does not have much interest in others things-despite getting lots of other things to entertain him over Xmas(new books/lego sets etc/board games)
Everytime we try and get him to do something else together has a family it gets ruined by his behaviour(he always goes too far and the silliness starts and ends by him being sent to his room or his siblings in tears because hes hurt them)
We do always try to go out as a family over the weekend/Holidays to give him some time away from the Xbox and to spend time as a family.
At School he has to sit by himself because he acts silly and distracts the other children, Last Year he was not allowed on a School trip overnight because they said he is a safe guarding issue.
I.E The not listening and the downright silliness.
We have raised a CAFASS report and it is ongoing at the moment but everything seems to be going so slowly yet sons behaviour is ramping up.
Can anyone advise?
I am at my wits end with him and feel quite drained and tearful.
Conversations are rare-I try to talk to him and get barely anything back-usually ends up in him going off on a tangent talking about silly stuff which HE finds hilarious.
i LOVE HIM but he just isn't very likeable to be around.

If his behaviour is that extreme that he has been banned from a school trip, you have my sympathies although I can’t offe much help sorry.

Hace you spoken to his teacher and has he been assessed by SENCO? How do they deal with his behaviour at school?

Thank you for your reply.
The school tend to make him miss play times and have him sit alone and be the last out of a lesson/first in etc.
We have spoken to someone( I am sorry I'm not entirely sure of the correct name-I just know we filled in a CAFASS report with the School)
Nothing much more has really happened.
He can be calm and quiet and lovely but it is rare and the constant noise, throwing himself about the place and silliness is very draining on me and my Partner.
For instance-At his Birthday Party He started throwing the Party food about and squirting ketchup everywhere laughing.
A few other children joined in-I managed to stop it but my son was still throwing paper cups about-it is so embarrassing and saddens me at the same time.
Some of his behaviour COULD be normal rowdy boy behaviour but EVERYTIME my son will take it that one step further and DOES NOT stop when shouted at-it is like he enters his own world and nothing outside of that matters.
Now his behaviour is impacting on my youngest and he copies a lot of his brothers silliness.

Can you try and turn it around?
It’s so hard when you are stuck in a negative cycle.
So, Saturday morning sit down together. Agree some rules. Pick 3 things you want to tackle- being kind to siblings, listening to instructions, going for a walk everyday (or whatever suits).
He has 20 mins ‘basic’ Xbox time (or whatever is minimum). All extra time is earnt- give him jar, each button/ token is 2 mins/ 5 mins. The second you see him doing something even vaguely positive- reward him. Try and let go of the negative.
Agree with him that if behaviour is silly he has to go and do a task- 5 mins on trampoline? 3 laps of garden. I’d try and make it something physical if his issue seems to be hyper. Try not to get into an argument/ punishment/ negative cycle- ‘I can see you are starting to make silly noises, would you like to go outside and jump?’, ‘ I would like to give you an Xbox token, I wonder if you could take this washing upstairs for me?’
It’s a really tough place to be when it’s never ending, particularly if you feel here is not a lot of support.
Other things I would consider:

• diet

-exercise

• having a fairly structured day, with lots of short things to do.

It is hard work, and challenging. However, a bit of persistence and getting everyone on board can make a big difference.

Sorry, just saw update.
Sounds like he wants to fit in and be popular, but struggles with boundaries and knowing when to stop.
If you have an idea of what the issues might be- bit of pre- teaching.
We’re going to a party, I know it’s exciting.
Remember, we are going to eat some food. Remember not to touch other people’s food. Do you know any funny jokes you could tell?’
Does he have any spatial awareness issues? Clumsy?
I ask as sometimes those things can go together- lack of appropriateness, and clumsy.

On the assumption that you have no underlying cause .

How much time is he on the X-box? We had behavioural issues with our boys till we limited their time immensely, and made chores and good behaviour a condition of using it. I know it's a welcome relief whenn he is playing it, but my son was a horror when he played too much. We limit it to 1 hour a day in school time and on weekend he can play till 9am, restart at 4pm-till 6pm. He can earn extra time with good behaviour.

The other suggestion , again from experience, can you get him into a sport that both requires discipline, and will wear him out a lot. I have one boy that absolutely bounces off walls and drives us all insane unless he gets an intense runaround at least once a day. He now plays 3 codes of football and a martial art that requires a high level of fitness - plus the instructors take no shit. While it's a pain carting him around to all the activities, it is so much better than watching him wind everyone up in the house.

As another poster suggested, I'd look at what you are feeding him too and try to see if there is any relationship between the levels of his behaviour and what he has eaten.

Thank you for all those fab suggestions!
I do like the idea of a jar to reward good behaviour and for extra Xbox time.
We have also toyed with the idea of sending him to a martial Arts Class-I think we should look into this again.
With the guy we spoke to we are exploring the fact he may have ADHD but this is going so slowly and it seems to be us chasing everything up with him/the School.
He is very clumsy and not aware of others around him-ie jumping on top of people in play areas/Trampoline Park
Arms and legs tend to fly everywhere.!!!!!!!!

I'd cut his X-box use right down and give him much more exercise. Try to tire hm out physically. Agree with sending him to sports clubs too. Being part of a team and learning a new sport might help.

I'd also look at his diet - how much sugar does he eat?

Has school said what they think might be causing his behaviour?

You say you have CAFCASS involved - so are you going through a family breakup?

What exercise is he getting? Boys in particular need plenty of hard physical exercise to enable reasonable behaviour at other times. He should be running or similar for at least an hour a day plus playtimes/walking or cycling to and from school.

Get him into clubs and activities that make him tired and use up that boisterous energy. Weekends too. You can do it cheaply and even better if you do it as a family. He may moan initially but he’ll get used to it.

Also even if he does get a diagnosis of ADHD you will still have to manage his behaviour. Can you ask the school if you can speak to the Senco and get him a referral for behaviour support in school?

crumbs

All children need exercise, not just boys!

No we are not going through a break up-It was school who mentioned something to do with a CAFASS report but I could be wrong in thinking that this is what it is actually called.
This morning I explained about the limit on Xbox time and how he needs to earn it back..We also went for dog walk-something I will drag him on more often now-it was actually nice to walk and talk together.
Going to take him to a local Martial Arts Club.
At weekends we always do something as a family that involves exercise.
In the Summer he spent a lot of time outdoors on his bike/at the park until he had a falling out with his friends and sadly they do not bother with him much anymore so he is stuck indoors much more now on his own.
It is just that as soon as he comes off the Xbox he cannot think of anything to do and the silliness and rowdy behaviour starts almost instantly.
It does wear me out and I can be very impatient with him.
Thanks for all the replies.

I suspect CAF- common assessment form, it’s a common tool to get basic information together for variety of agencies- rather than everyone asking same questions - like this
www.supportincornwall.org.uk/kb5/cornwall/directory/site.page?id=erPNUex4hic

It should open doors with right people.
Alongside adhd I would consider sensory processing disorder/ problems. A good OT with training in this could really help with some of behaviours- it’s a specialist area, though and would need right person.

YES! That is the one-I feel silly I got it wrong.

SuburbanRhonda, of course all children need exercise - but experience tells me 9/10/11 year old boys tend to cope less well without it and a lack of exercise can really be seen in behaviour whereas many girls can perhaps cope better.