Husband wants to help then hmphs about it!

[user1489931797]

Hi mumsnetters

It's 2am and I'm up on the couch holding my baby 6week old sleeping as will currently only sleep in arms and cries after 10mins being put in Moses basket.

I was lucky enough that DS fell asleep by 9:30pm tonight and skipped the usual crying for an hour around thus time and not sleeping until 11/12 so DH took DS whilst I grabbed a precious 2hr rest First of the day apart from 45min that afternoon.

I came down at 11:15pm to DH still cradling DS so I grabbed another 20min snooze.
(Sorry for boring details just a little context)

So my DH from the very start and even now has wanted me to express more so he can help with feeds which is lovely but as DS was BFing constantly there wasn't the time for expressing however now for supply and weight gain issues HV wants me to try top up formula feeds therefore Perfect time for DH to help right?!

However he's not being proactive learning to get to grips with sterilising bottle and measuring out what he needs,my mum who is with us this week did it for him before she went to bed and when I got up we changed DS nappy I breastfed him a little and then I said right that bottle is ready now can you feed him, the look on his Face my shock he thought he was going to head off to bed! Bare in mind everyday this week he's had atleast 6 hrs sleep each night compared to my 2hrs at most.

Even after coaching him through 2/3 other previous formula top up feeds to pace feed and wind DS after each oz consumed (otherwise choking or bringing it back up despite a slow flow teat) every time take bottle
Away and wind him he angry cries.

Issue is for 10mins of feeding and winding and soothing his cries you would swear DH had been at it all day hugging and puffing and at wits end losing patience giving up pace feeding as if to just get milk drunk and over with then only EJ ding because I had a go at him and then DS burping and bring up majority of what he just had.

I was so frustrated that after another 1oz to try and replace some of that I just sent DH to bed and put DS back on the breast to feed as felt confident there was definitely done milk there and for comfort.

DS patterns keep changing every few days so now 2am is the time I've woken up after 2hr rest ready to get through next 4he's with him feeding and sleeping in my arms until husband gets up to hold him whilst I go to the loo and make a coffee but now I've already been awake for 2hrs and 6am seems far away!

I ordered a sling which arrived today so will try that out tomorrow to atleast give me some hands free time and have HV coming Friday to review the formula top up feeding but I suspect reflux.

Just main challenges which I don't know what to do about are:

-baby not sleeping anywhere other than in our arms
-husband professing wanting to help and pitch in and do his share but unable to do do without it being a drama, loading patience quickly and myself having to guide him support ever single step when I'm exhausted and learning too.

Sorry for long boring rant feeling really sad about it all

Is he generally a bit of a drama llama or is it just this? Also, he just may have to learn the hard way; get covered in sick up and have to top up. If you are always the 'expert' he will always give up.

I found giving DH things that were just his that he learned to do solo worked well. So certain ways of holding DD that I couldn't. Or feeding the formula is just his job and he HAS to do it all himself.

And remember; he's NOT helping. It's not your job that he helps with. It's parenting and you are both in it for a couple of decades.

6 weeks is the time that babies want to breastfeed more to increase your supply so if baby cries I would personally feed him straightaway. He will probably want to clusterfeed as well. Your dh needs to realize that life has changed and there is no longer the chance for a nice 8 hour sleep. He needs to help by either formula feeding or supporting breastfeeding by getting you drinks/anything you need while you're actually feeding and also tsking baby so you can get a nap. It's not an easy adjustment but he needs to support you.

@MrsTerryPratchett morning!:-)

Yes he is a drama queen about most things but before the arrival of DS I explained that this is something he really needed to get a hold on as you said I can't be the expert in everything and I bought and encouraged him to read some father to be books really easy ones like commando dad bitesize info which he did to a certain degree but didn't continue/ finish

During the day when he's at work it's all texts about missing us wishing he was there and how he wants to help but then getting home and being here in person totally different ball game and when I pull him up on it and explain how it's making me feel he doesn't even realise what he's doing/saying/behaving as anything wrong and then reiterates the frustration is from wanting to help but complaining you are tired after decent regular sleep at your wife who is at breaking point is not helpful!

@MiniAlphaBravo weird thing was when he was on paternity he couldn't do enough 2weeks at the start I think seemed like a really long time off and we were on the initial cloud 9 new born bubble he was cooking every meal getting me drinks sending me for naps anytime DS fell asleep then during the xmas holidays and weekends it seems it more that it's his time off work and doesn't have enough energy to be as attentive as was when in paternity but still states he wishes he was doing more for us.

I feel like saying well do more then!

Morning!

So he 'talks a good game'.

When he texts how he wants to do stuff, could you give him concrete things? For example, "I miss you guys so much, I want to hold

That's a good idea @MrsTerryPratchett when he was on paternity or at weekends we talk throughout the day about plan of action and who's doing what or what happens next and works/worked well.

But when he's back sending the miss you guys txts and wish there helping my expectation of him coming through the door is to help with house stuff , maybe have food planned for dinner and ask what time he'll be needed for doing a feed. Initially the intentions are there and he might say take out the bins make a fuss of DS then sits down watches football then reluctant to sort food before halftime and the drive home with me the conversation is what is in for me to cook not that he's organised dinner or shopped for it it's always that night shop and the same meal unless I take charge.
Then it might get past 11pm when we will have hoped DS falls asleep for me to get a nap and DH will be irritated he's got to stay up later when he's got to be up for work but again the shortest sleep DH has had since being back at work is 5hrs.

Sorry to moan!

Totally agree with telling him exactly what is expected. One thing that worked for us was getting DH to bath DD, change her, then take her out for a walk so that I could have an hour’s kip.

You could try saying “Would you like to cook tea or bath DS tonight?”

5 hours feels like a killer. Of course 2 hours is much worse but he will be tired. What works with my 7 yo is empathy. "It does suck that you're so tired, horrible. Right, you hold, I'll prep the bottle" or whatever.

My dd hated the Moses basket, wouldn't sleep in it at all and screamed whenever she was in it but she would sleep in the pram attachment for the pushchair so we ended up putting that on the Moses basket stand instead.
I agree with pp about discussing expectations with your oh, maybe each evening make a plan for the following day with him.

it's tough going to work without much sleep, and i'd have been worried about my husband on the motorway. We did a 'sandwich' where he took Ds from 7- midnight ish bar boobing (with one expressed bottle, back in the days when he'd take it without fuss) then i'd do the nasty wee small hours stint as i coped better with it (sort of) and Dh would do the bit from fourish

At six weeks, your baby is still tiny, in the fourth trimester, so will want to be held constantly. Our Ds did but as i type this, he's down in his cot, and has slept in there for at least part of every night since about four months, I promise, it gets better, I felt like this too.
Dh feeds Ds with expressed or formula when i'm out tutoring but we don't do the evening feeds any more as after 4 months, Ds got fussy about bottles and the upset wasn't worth it plus boob and i'm back in bed within 15 min

@MrsTerryPratchett you're right it's all relative and I do appreciate he's tired too and doesn't have the benefit of the weird body clock change that somehow BF does to you just hard when he complains so much about how tired he is or after an hour of deadline with a crying windy DS it's as if it's been hours

@arbrighton yeah we've tried sortie doing shifts which works great at weekends as I get a nap at about 7/8am then again at about 4pm then sometimes if lucky 2hrs late at night around 10/11pm then I basically do 1am -7am Lonely stretch!

But when he's at work it's basically 2hrs late at night that's all and only now started to express (no more than 2oz) and formula top ups but having to pace feed as he gets upset and brings it back up so even if DH does it I can't really rest or sleep as DS cries and fusses so much.

Did your baby sleep in cot sooner than 4months? My DS will be 7weeks on Sunday I don't think I have it in me to do this another 2months with him not sleeping anywhere else other than my arms

Husband did at least the early shift even when working and an hour in the morning where he took baby out in carrier while dogs got walked.

You can't really say '2hrs late at night that's all'

That's not fair. He's off out to work every day and needs to function for that.

He slept in moses basket or crib for periods prior to 4 months yes, but we started getting him into his cot daily then, partly as he was outgrowing both the other two options!

You have to just smile and nod about the tiredness comments, it's different.

BUT my husband does do full nights in DS room just bringing him to me to feed- was a life saver over December when i had 3 nasty colds back to back, then mastitis while DS was also ill and fussy.