Age appropriate 'punishments' for 3yo

[SleepForTheWeek]

DD1 has been a handful since she was born, I feel awful for saying it, but she's a 'spirited' child and I've often found it difficult. Ding get me wrong, I love her so much and she's also one of the most loving, kind and articulate children I have come across - but her behaviour is like Jekyll and Hyde.

My approach has been largely gentle parenting lead, but her outbursts are getting extreme and driving me insane. I nee her to learn what is appropriate and what is not, while I know that 3yos often can't control their emotions, it's often like DD1 looks for things to argue with us about.

I've just been listening to her shout and scream at her Dad for 45 mins while he's trying to get her to bed, I'm in the next room trying to get DD2 asleep but of course she keeps waking because of the noise and is now really unsettled.

DH is very calm and patient, and he's managed to calm her down without shouting or threats - but that won't stop it happening again!!

Any advice welcome

I go for immediate and logical punishments where possible (and when I am calm enough!). So messing around bedore bed means fewer books read or songs sung that evening as we Don't have the time. Not listening out and about means she has to hold.my hand as I can't trust that she won't run off etc.

Yes I'm sitting here stewing, thinking of telling her she can't play with (her favourite) toy tomorrow because of her behaviour tonight but really I know that's not right.

If I tried to hold her hand while out and about and she didn't want me to she would just throw herself to the ground and kick, twist, scream etc 😩. Distraction has always been our best method but she's wise to it.

I'm fuming, DD2 still not sleeping because of it all and I'm feeling like shit because of a cold. I've got a million things to do tonight too.

I'm full of cold too and dd was such a madam going to bed tonight. They totally know when they cn push it!!

Would it be worth talking to her tomorrow about it?

She might even wake up and apologise on her own accord, and be very sweet. I'll always praise her for genuinely saying sorry and so it's then hard to follow it up with a stern word

Personally I Don't tend to.worry too much after the event. Recently i have tried to set out my expectations before she kicks off,so she can hear me when she is calm and rational.

Would a sticker chart with small manageable this for specific areas one bedtime perhaps work?? So very small achievable goals ie
Get into bed when asked
Stay in bed until morning
Go all night with no shouting

No we usually just draw a line under it once it's happened - but I just feel like it's getting is no where 😩.

We have a sticker chart which we used for potty training several months ago, I might reintroduce it, thanks for the suggestion.

I'm just exhausted and it's so upsetting when all other people see is this difficult side of her when we are at friends house etc.

I was visiting a family friend yesterday and she kicked off when we were leaving so eventually just had to put her under my arm and leave. It's embarrassing and no one gets to see the lovely side of her which is just as strong!

I'm reading How to Talk So Little Kids Listen (I may be slightly misremembering) - a recent 'version' of the classic parenting book. I think it's excellent. Really recommend it.

Also, if you can smile through the strops, they are, if you step back, often quite funny, and not worth stressing over. It really really helps if you do not give one fuck what other people think.

I don't punish. I don't think it teaches much.

I don't see how taking away a toy as punishment will help a child sleep well.

My 2 yr 7 month dd is very spirited too!
We find that there is no point going back over something that happened previously little ones only live in the moment.
I pick my battles- hitting/ hurting/ destructive behaviour / not listening when she is trying to do something that could get her hurt.
First a warning, explain that she is doing something naughty 'if you continue to do that then.... ' - no more tv today / baby Annabel goes away/ you go to your room or corner etc
Then explain why she was punished again and follow through.
Hard work though these strong willed daughters!
Xx

I found this book really useful with my spirited preschooler.

It teaches you specific techniques to use - some of them worked really well for us.

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I agree with TeaBelle. At 3, it has to be straight away, and related directly to what they are doing.
So, re the running off -ds went through a spell, and I borrowed a double buggy and he was warned in advance that if he didn't walk by me / if he ran off, then he would go in the buggy. It happened, and the response was instant. They have to know 100% that you mean what you say, and then, you won't actually have to do it after they realise that.

Thanks for the book suggestions - definitely going to look into those.

I know it's not logical with taking toys away, punishments next day, I know that - but sometimes I eventually just see red when she's pushed me so far.

I think we need to work on boundaries and sticking with them - it might lead to a greater number of meltdowns to begin with, but hopefully she'll get the picture.

I even feel so guilty describing her this way, she really is a wonderful wonderful girl 80% of the time, by the other 20% is so hard to deal with!!

My 4yo was a total arsehole for a year between 2.5y and 3.5y. Seriously awful. I love her and she is my favourite person in the whole world to be around but she was an argumentative little madam.

Anyway, I wouldn't spend 45mins putting her to bed while she shouted at me. That's just nuts. I'd just leave. Night light on, here's your book. Ta ta!

Any punishment needs to be immediate in my experience. A 3yo can't really comprehend a delayed threat or incentive.

@ruleshelpcontrolthefun hats exactly what I would have wanted to happen to tonight (DH was doing bed) but on reflection I'm glad that's not what happened. She's a sensitive girl and shutting her in her room alone would really affect her, not in a good way.

Trust me though, had I not had a baby in my arms I would have been marching through there and slamming the door closed.

As I say though, when all is said and done, she was tired and not feeling 100% - we'd had a long day travelling (with a car nap!) and the come down of the holidays. I'm not trying to make excuses as I do want to tackle this behaviour, but I also need to remember she's 3 and doesn't have the same logic or mental capacity as me!!

It's so hard, I never know if I'm just making her worse or if I'm indulging her - maybe not giving her enough attention, too laid back etc etc