Dad coping with toddler!

[blueberriesforbreakfast]

Hi all,

Just wondered if any of you have been in a similar position with your DH.

I'll start by saying DH is in general a loving, hands on Dad. I'm a SAHM, he's out of the house at work Monday - Friday 7-7 so in the week he only sees her for an hour in the mornings as she's in bed by the time he's home. He's here all weekend. DD is 21 months and I'm expecting our second child.

The problem I'm having is he is really struggling with the tantrum stage we're entering. I do too of course, defusing toddler tantrums isn't fun but to me it's just part and parcel. He just has no patience with her at all - basically if he doesn't understand why she's throwing a strop (this morning is was because she didn't want her nappy changed) he just gets frustrated and cross and leaves me to deal with it! When I say he's cross he doesn't shout or anything, he just says 'DD, you're being ridiculous I don't have time for this' and goes off in a mood like a total manchild.

He is a very logical person (engineer by trade). This isn't the first time he's struggled - he did when DD was small and didn't feed properly or behave like a 'normal' newborn (she had chronic silent reflux and was by all accounts, pretty difficult). He doesn't seem to do well in situations where things don't go as he thinks they 'should' or they don't make sense to him. Ironically on the rare weeks where DD wakes at night (we've just had a molar cut so she's been waking but she doesn't usually) he's brilliant. Better than me; he has the utmost patience with her and settles her quicker than I do 9 times out of 10. He says at night he feels patient as he knows she's upset because her mouth is sore, so he feels it's easy to deal with because he gets it.

It feels to me at the moment that not only am I having to deal with the more difficult parts of having a child I'm having to hand hold him through them all too. It's exhausting. I don't know how I can get through to him that being fussy at a meal time, crying because you've been given the wrong cup, not wanting to wear your shoes etc are all normal, albeit annoying, toddler behaviour.

He also says that I just 'cave into her' all the time. I don't, truly. When she's actually badly behaved (like when she occasionally bites me) she is told off firmly and moved away etc. I just pick my battles - if she's throwing a wobbler over something minor like because I've given her a blue cup not a red one, I'll give her the red one and problem solved. He would rather I told her no, that she had the blue and it's tough.

I don't need a load of people telling me to LTB or that he's a prat, I'm fully aware that he's out of line - as is he, he knows that he needs to get better at dealing with things - and this needs to change. What would be great is if anyone's had a similar experience and successfully resolved it. I need to help him to understand that her behaviour is part of development and learning and that he needs to support her through it whilst teaching her, not take it personally and strop off like a child.

How much time does he spend just with her? You going out for the day and leaving them together or even over night can be a great way of him working out how to manage her behaviour. He is currently just taking the easy way out and passing over to you. He won't manage her in the same way as you but he will develop his own strategies.

He's with us all weekend but not for long in the week because he's at work. When he is here in the week (he sometimes works from home and he also has one day off in the week every fortnight which he spends with us) he's always really hands on, takes her to the park, gets up with her, does nappy changes, playing and meals etc.

I don't often go out for more than a few hours to be honest. I might go for lunch with friends or to the gym but I'm normally about 3 hours max. That's not a bad idea though thanks. I don't mind him having his own strategies - as long as he has some strategies of his own!

He did say the other day that he was a bit sad that I'd never left her with him overnight. She's been with me overnight on our own loads because DH has to go abroad for a few days at a time every 3 months plus he's been on stag dos etc. I've never left her overnight except for one night where me and DH went away together and she was with my mum. Not because I don't think he could manage, just because I've had no cause to be away overnight! I don't work and my friends all have small kids so we don't tend to do nights away, more like nights out then home.

I was a sahm when mine were little and like you, my dh worked long hours and worked away too. You just need to work around it.

My dh always did the bedtime routine as soon as he came in. Bath, story, milk etc and now my youngest is eleven he still reads to her.

He also has always taken them to an activity on a Saturday morning by himself and organised by him. Swimming when they were young. Then various other things over the years. It’s been football for the last couple of years. I know nothing about it. He takes her, talks to her about it, washes the kit, finds the lost shin pads, makes sure she has her water bottle etc.

Your dd will get used to his ways and yours and the fact you do things differently. He won’t give her the red cup, that’s his method and that’s fine.

Would it help for him to learn about child brain development? It helps me because once you understand the limitations of their development in this area, their tantrums and the fact they get ridiculously upset over seemingly trivial things is much more understandable. I feel sorry for them instead, or can find the humour in it more easily.

I've only looked quickly but this article and this article are both interesting and not especially long.

The area of the brain that allows us to reason, use logic, see things from another perspective etc are all in the super early stages of development at this age. That means it's really really difficult for toddlers to regulate themselves and their emotions.
They are also still learning that other people have different thoughts and opinions to them - if they think something they assume you do too and then are frustrated when you don't agree. My 2.5 year old is only just starting to recognise that other people are feeling things differently to him (e.g. when his brother cries he'll say oh he's sad) but he doesn't quite grasp that what he wants isn't what everyone wants still.

So if for example they feel disappointment at the wrong cup for example it feels really frustrating as they both can't understand why you don't already know they want a different colour cup and can't reason that the colour makes no difference. Their developing brain can't emotionally regulate a response that would be normal to an adult and so they scream in a way that is bizarre to us. Hence you've got to feel sorry for them really. How annoying to have such extreme feelings over such small things.

The best way to help them learn emotional self regulation is to model it yourself. Also name the emotions for them - you must be so frustrated etc - and the child begins to learn how to manage the emotions more effectively.

Lots of adults aren't very good at emotional regulation.

Sorry if this is all obvious stuff, just thought if he could understand why she acts that way (like he can when he can be calm at night) it might help. Obviously everyone gets frustrated sometimes as toddlers can be so ridiculous and he doesn't have the day to day experience you do. But bearing this stuff in mind really helps me.

Thank you @Jenala that is really helpful! I completely get this, I think it's why it's easier (not easy!) for me to just roll with it.

I will do some digging and see if I can find some more information on brain development. This is the sort of thing that'll get through to him. He needs to understand that she's not being naughty, she's learning and just doesn't understand yet.

It sounds as if it is the perfect time to work up to a weekend away before your next dc. Why not ask around your friends and see if anyone wants to go for a night away somewhere- hotels often have cheap deals this time of year. Work up to it with a few days when either you go out or he takes her out. It is also good for her as when the baby comes it is normal for her to go out on a trip with Daddy, and you will have time to rest. Places such as aquarium, swimming, hands on museums, etc.

The thing is, he does take her out. Not on whole day trips but he takes her to the park, over to his parents, shopping, to town, all those sorts of things. Not once has she thrown a fit while he's out. To be honest she doesn't with me either, if she's out at the moment she's generally fine. She sometimes cries of course but nothing major. I'm hoping she doesn't progress to public tantrums for a while......

It's when she's at home usually, over the most mundane of things - and that's when he finds it hard to deal with it.

I could try to go away. I doubt I'll get a night away with friends, everyone's either pregnant or got a newborn at the moment! But I could always go and stay at my
Mums for the night and leave him to it. Or I could even go away on my own. I'm quite introverted, I'd love it! A whole night to myself in peace and quiet - sounds amazing! Is that too weird?!

Not weird at all. It is bliss going out for a meal without worrying about anyone knocking over their drink, going to the loo alone, going for a swim without toddler grappling at either end of the swim, starting and finishing a chapter / programme without interruptions. Just do it!

great advice from Jenala

A night away on your own sounds like a fab treat to me OP, do it!

I think this is really normal actually. I remember my DH (also a lovely Dad) trying patiently to explain to DS that it didn’t matter what chair he sat on. As if a toddler is going to listen to him and say “oh right, yes I see now”?!

Pointing him towards articles about brain development is a really good idea, so that he understands this is not only normal, but also an important developmental stage. It’s about your DD starting to assert her independence and decide she wants a red cup rather than just doing what she’s told.

Also, you don’t necessarily need to leave them alone together in order to insist that he deals with it rather than handing over to you. Next time it happens, make sure you’re suddenly busy in the middle of something.

Get him to read the book "How to talk so little kids will listen" - it is a life changer.

We had a similar thing with DP thinking I'm "giving in" to DD. But when they're toddlers they have no social imagination: what most adults can do is

1. experience their own feeling about something
2. ALSO at the same time recognise that someone else might not feel the same feeling
3. ALSO at the same time imagine and successfully forecast what feeling that other person is experiencing
4. readjust their emotional range to take into account other people's feelings

eg "I am feeling really frustrated because I'd like the blue cup - but not everyone would be bothered about the blue cup - so they are probably feeling irritated with me for making a fuss - so I'll just have the red one"

Small children haven't even grasped (1) and (2) yet.

Once your DD can start to name her own emotions you can work on 2, 3 and 4. But you can't expect her to leap straight to 4 any more than you would expect your partner to construct a bridge without starting from a plan.

My DH deals with things very differently to me. I have to try very hard not to intervene sometimes. There is nothing wrong with his way, it's just different to mine.
Be aware that if your DH takes on longer periods of childcare, the strategies he develops might be different to yours.

The amount of times I sit in another room whilst DH deals with kids and I think FFS just do xyz and this argument will finish. But I mustn't intervene, because he is doing it his way, and my intervention will hinder that.

Also, we all choose our battles. My DH chooses different battles to me sometimes.