Parenting with BPD

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone and happy new year.
I have recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after 8 years of episodes and emptiness.
I am a single parent to a 7 and 3 year old doing a masters degree, although I have deferred my exams and essays until the summer.
I am struggling massively. I am so quick to anger, feel low, I isolate myself slightly then feel incredibly lonely. I feel terrible for my children to be stuck with me. My three year old goes to his dads every weekend whilst my 7 year old goes every other, although his dad did take him every weekend in December after I was allocated a social worker. This, even after I I tried multiple times through a solicitor for my eldest to have the contact time with his dad that he wanted. Anyway, really I do get regular breaks, which adds more guilt to my stress.
This episode is the worst ever, I say that after being hospitalised in a mother and baby unit before. I want to be a great mum. I do lots of things with my children, today my eldest and I are going to a panto. I changed all their rooms around whilst away for Christmas. I take them out daily. But I feel as though I am an empty shell functioning within a body. I am there but not present.
I am I think suffering limerence also, although I believe that is part of bpd.
I really really want to be better for my children, I want them to do so much better than me, to the point where I feel they should maybe live with their dads so I don’t poison them. But that would rip my heart out. And my son loves his little country school.
Any advice for self care, experiences, or better parenting, or even getting by parenting...I really need a bouy

Hi. I also know have bpd and have a 5yo dd. I know exactly how you feel. I am not a single parent, luckily I have a very supportive dh and so haven’t had too many really bad episodes, it Day to day I struggle. The guilt at being a terrible parent is so hard to deal with. I am having pretty intense therapy atm which is helping but also is really hard.

I’m sorry I have no advice, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Hi kitty, thanks for replying.
How do you cope day to day? As I said, we do stuff, the museum, soft play things like that, but my social worker calls this avoidant behaviour... the more I think about that the more angry I get, as it’s a core coping mechanism of mine, and as far as coping mechanisms go, I think it’s a pretty healthy one!
Do you work? The masters I’m doing helps me feel a sense of worth, but I’d really like to work too

How do I cope? Um, not very well tbh. I go through phases of getting out loads with dd and phases (like now) where I struggle and don’t want to leave the house. She’s great, luckily, and enjoys being on her own and playing. I’m not sure I would say taking your children out is avoidant behaviour? What are you supposed to be avoiding? I have realised that in mental health professionals there is a stereotype of bpd, if you don’t fit it they are generally perplexed. I’ve had a few tell me I’m not a normal bpd person (whatever the hell that means)

I work part time. My dd is at school now so I get 2 and half days to myself, 2 and a half working and the weekends as a family. I need this routine as it helps me feel in control. I run, lots, and mountain bike on my days off. I’m training for a marathon which helps with the sense of worth and purpose. The exercise also helps regulate my mood. I have an hours therapy a week, i try to eat fairly well, lots of fruit and veg, not too much sugar and caffeine etc, I get a solid 8 hours sleep a night and try really hard to not have too much stress in my life.

It all sounds simple and easy but it’s taken the best part of 8 years to get it right and I am now ‘high functioning’ and externally very stable. Internally it’s a completely different matter but that’s a longer process.

It’s a very tough diagnosis I think. Previously I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but this was changed fairly recently and tbh bpd fits better.

Hi Kitty,
Your level of functionality is where I’d like to be. I go to the gym as much as I can, I don’t have a mountain bike but I rent them and find it the best form of therapy, I just don’t think on the trails as I’m too busy getting through them! Do you feel the same? I think Christmas has put me back as my counselling has stopped, the gym is closed, my children are constantly with me ( I know how horrendous that sounds) and everything just stops.
I try to eat well, and get a good nights sleep also. They said I’m high functioning too, which I guessed means that I’m capable of being a worker bee.
My relationship takes up a lot of head space, I’d say 99%...it stops me working on essays, I have sleepless nights, I feel that crawling feeling of desperation...I feel like I get it very wrong all the time. I ache for love and affection, but I’m also aware that I don’t want to infringe and burden someone so keep it locked in my head, but this means i only dip my toe into a relationship which in the beginning was full of love and excitement and talk of marriage and houses and family merging...that’s all gone. I crave stability.
Do you suffer impulsive behaviour ?

God you sound so similar to me, especially with relationships.

I’m not too bad with the ‘classic’ impulsive behaviours but I can be impulsive about relationships and then become a bit obsessive.

I feel exactly the same way about mtb and Running, it’s the only way to switch off. I love my dd, obviously, but I find having her around all the time really hard. I’m also having a break from therapy which I’m struggling with, I’m becoming quite self destructive again

Kitty what destructive things are you doing? I understand with therapy stopping it’s making things more difficult. Mine has stopped over Christmas too and I’ve kind of become cut off with the world, children here all the time, no counselling, no chance to get out and run, gym closed...I can’t wait for normaility next week!
I become obsessed in relationships too, I have to hold it in as best I can. How do you cope with that?

I was diagnosed with bpd many years ago. I have coped with being a mum by not having relationships at all.
I’m not saying that is right for you, or the only way, but it’s what is best for me and my dd.

I’m pretty destructive in my relationships. I get sucked into unhealthy friendships and drama, I go and seek inordinate amounts of male attention and then get freaked out by it (I know this is linked to control and sexual abuse too)

Tbh I don’t cope well with it. I have spend weeks worrying about if someone liked me or not, re-reading msgs, being a bit too over bearing and demanding while basically ignoring my poor dh.

I don’t have a huge amount of advise tbh.