Oh my god, it finally happened to me - I lost track of my child

[prettycandles]

At a tiny funfair - only 4 rides - but part of a larger music festival. Ds was watching one of the rides, I turned my head to greet dh when he arrived with dd, and then ds was gone. No anxiety at first, he doesn't run off, he's probalby just hidden behind a taller person. Dh goes off to find him, while I stay with the buggy and dd and scan around. Dh goes round each ride, looks in the lorries, I'm trying to see a policeman or festival security bod, that awful shaking is starting inside me...and then I spotted ds on the merry-go-round, on the top deck ofthe little bus. Thank you, god.

The truly scary part for dh and me, is that ds just could not see what he had done wrong. He explained to us that we would know he was on the merry-go-round because of the noise it made.

Am I demanding to much of a 3y10m-old, expecting him to understand another person's point of view?

Oh god my heart is with you, ds ran off literally into an adjoining food hall market from a shopping market at 3yrs 8 mos.. and just disappeared, 2 major roads either side of the market...
Found him 25 mins later (I was nearly dying in pieces) sitting on a wolly rocking sheep in a knitwear part of the market (this was in NZ btw)
Horrid....
Ds had not really done anything wrong, we were right behind him, how he went I'll never know...
I think his reasoning is typical of a 3yo, though...

(((hugs))) I think at still 3yo your DS really couldn't see your point of view and was probaly just taken up wth the "look at that ride, I want it" kind of emotion. All rationale and thoughts would have gone by then for him. It's horrid, but he is okay now.

I lost track of my DD for a minute or so when she was about 22 months and it was the longest minute of my life. Any longer than that I am not sure how I would have coped.

It's so scary though isn't it.
We went to a large shopping centre the other week, and me and Dd1 went inone shop and Dp and Dd2 went in another.
I finnished before Dp so i went into him, but he didn't see me, and dissapeeared out of the shop.
I could still see him so Dd1 (6) ran after him.
By the time i got to him, Dd1 had dissapeared.
We both ran around like mad looking for her and i was paniking as the shops were shutting.
All of a sudden she appeared as if nothing had happened.

And kids are supposed to keep you young...yeah right. I aged about 20 yrs in a few minutes.

Been there, done that!!!

DS2 must have been a similar age when we lost him at a school fete. After what felt like hours of searching we looked up and he was on this hovercraft taking people on rides across the field, laughing his head off. He had no money so heaven knows how he got on it.

He was also completely oblivious. He knew where we were so it didn't cross his mind that we couldn't see him. I don't think boys of this age can see things from someone else's viewpoint.

Glad he's o.k prettycandles+
Hasn't happened to me yet,(though similar heart in your mouth moment when i lost her in Museum for a sec-she was behind a display!!)

I was at an air display today and dd was on a ride. A little boy about 15 months walked past and attempted to climb on the moving ride, i caught his arm and said where's mammy?, he ran off around the ride and tryed again to get on, i had him by the torso ready to lift (for safety) and his mum came and thanked me profusely, he'd 'escaped' for a mo!!!

By about 5 he'll realise that you don't know his thoughts. If you want to read up on it (it's quite interesting) look up theory of mind. Until then he'll assume you know where he is as he knows where he is iyswim.

Jimjams, it is very reassuring hearing that from you, as I know you have an autistic son so are very clued-up about this sort of thing.

I'm also amazed that he was on the merry-go-round without paying - didn't the fare-collector query it? On the other hand, thank goodness she didn't notice, what might have happened if she had put him off the ride? Oh it's not a good idea to think of such things.

He is such a reliable boy, doesn't run off (no, really! ) articulate talker, very co-operative...but I guess he's just an ordinary 3yo boy, and I'd better just accept it .

I lost ds1 in Asda and was panic stricken. We'd gone to the toilet and he'd legged it off before me out of there because I was drying my hands. I joined dh in the music section expecting to see ds1 and he wasn't there. The panic gripped me and I feel close to tears now just writing this. He was four and had started school. He was wearing his school uniform.

Dh rushed off around the shop to look for him and I went straight to customer services. Customer services were amazing. Two of the greeters manned the doors with me and another went outside to have a look out there. Then all the staff were notified that he was missing and the managers came out of their offices along a gang way above the shop floor. It was only a matter of a couple of minutes before one of the managers pointed him out from his vantage point to a member of staff on the shop floor.

I wanted to shout at him so much but my pregnancy hormones kicked in and I just broke down and sobbed on him. I was in no state to explain what he'd done wrong and dh was about to explode. I was grateful when it was the store manager who took him aside for a private chat. Ds1 got the idea from him that we'd been scared and that he shouldn't run off like that. The manager was brilliant.

A couple of times he's disapeared after school as well. Although from about Easter onwards it's been on purpose. He hides so I can't find him and I get frantic so I have to inform his teacher he's missing. I feel totally inept as a parent when you've got all the staff manning the gates and searching for one child who's hiding on purpose. The headmaster has ripped into him a couple of times but ds1 doesn't care.

So I feel for you prettycandles. I've been there to many times and the feeling of terro when you realise you can't see your child doesn't ever stop.

It's a far cry from the days when I was five or six where I'd play out on my own and be gone for a couple of hours at a time. It makes me feel sad to think that my ds's will never know the freedom I had. I'm only 27. Things have changed so much.

that's so scary - hasn't happened to us yet, but I'm sure it will as ds is so lively and always running around here and there. I think also - because he's very bright and understands everything (he's 2 1/2) we tend to expect more from him than we possibly should. It's my worst nightmare - I'm so glad it all ended OK prettycandles.

I know this might sound a bit harsh but my dd ha just turned 4 . I feel confident taking her out with me to the market while out with my ds (8 months) . I have always told her that if i cannot hold her hand she should hold my clothes so that i can feel her. I have told her that if she is not carful somebody might steal her and i will be very heartbroken if that happens. We went to Hyde Park over the weekend with 3 other children and we went on a funfair .adventure playground and lots of othe activities and i didn't have any problem with her wonderinfg off. It might be a bit firm but its better than regretting it later.

it has to be the worst feeling in the world doesn't it?
It's happened twice to me now- once with ds (2) who disappeared whilst we were in a holiday park playground (thought he had run out of open gate- was frantic)- he was in the furthest corner of playground hidden by another child!
second time was just this morning with dd (5) she vanished when making her way from changing room in swiming pool - to pool where her course was taking place..
I had to go another way - (as spectator) and she didn't show... seems she thought her course had already started and was making her way back to changing room. I thought she had been snatched...
Lifeguard was completely ineffectual- and could only tell me (in my blind panic) that I had to take my sandals off on poolside!!!!!! nearly told the 16yr old what she could do with them!
Awful....
Just makes you realise how precious our little ones are though doesn't it?

Some children are just more like than others, regardless of what they are told by their parents.

I was queuing for a table with my twin DDs (3.5) at a fish restaurant on holiday recently -
in-laws and DH with us, when I suddenly realised one of the girls had gone. We scanned the whole restaurant, searched the loos, DH ran outside to look ..... eventually found her in the kitchen chatting to the chef. It was probably only about 3 or 4 minutes but felt like ages. She really did not have a clue why her daddy was so cross, and why her sister was sobbing!

prettycandles - he still is a bit young to realise that you wouldn't know where he is. My ds (just turned 5) is autistic and has only just recently stopped running off. However he will tend to wander away unless I watch him. He hasn't got a clue that I'd not know where he is but is beginning to understand the concept of getting lost although he tends to do it the other way round. He tells me that I will get lost if I move out of his sight. So that might be one approach to try - tell your ds that he must be able to see you at all times otherwise mummy might get lost. You don't want to frighten him though of course.

Thanks for your kind words...and stories! I know that I'm not the only one that this has happened to, thank goodness for Mumsnet reassuring me that I'm not a 'bad mother' for having mislaid my boy, merely an ordinary one .

Shalom, please be careful and ever-vigilant...as you've read from other postings, your dd may not understand that you can't see or feel her and could wander off in any case. Like you, I trust my ds, and taught him always to hold on to me or the buggy, but didn't allow for his 3yo 'immaturity'.

Unicorn what a c**p lifeguard! Do you feel like taking it up with the management there?

my sons were real runners off when each was 3 years old respectively. I used to say what eulalia suggests - tell them they must be able to see me at all times. I tried to wear bright clothing when out in a crowd, and often a hat or scarf on my head. I also told them them must shout back at me immediately if they heard me calling them otherwise I would be very, very cross. They actually needed to be told this as they were prone to keep quiet if they were engrossed in fun.

My sons had little sense of danger and liked chatting to strangers. If we were separated I used to try and think what they would have been attracted to - nearby children, toys, music - and head there first. I was often right. They were both very predictable, thank goodness.

Giving my ds2 a noisy toy to play with if we were out in a crowd worked well. It had to be something that held his fascination of course! If he dodged out of sight, the sound of the toy often led me to him.

I don't think at three they had a real idea they had done wrong. They weren't massively concerned with my feelings so I had to appeal to their self interest. I think they were old enough to be told how scary it could be to have no mummy with their coats and drinks standing next to then. I used to emphasise how much they needed me to drive them home to a nice warm house and supper after their adventures.

Hi PC, funnily enough dh and I were talking about this last night as my ds has just started walking (13mo) and thinks calling him back to me is a game and swiftly turns in the other direction! Very glad to hear your ds was ok.

Does anyone know if these wrist band alarms are any good? The ones that sound if they wander off a certain distance from the master alarm? I was going to look into them in a year or so, but may just start now!

Shalom, if you have a child with a tendency to run off (which clearly you don't, lucky you!) then just being 'firm' won't do it. In fact nothing short of roping them to your side will do it. DS is 3y4m and from just before his second birthday would just leg it off away from me as soon as he smelled freedom. I spent a year chasing him down and avoiding situations where he could go missing, but other than putting myself under house arrest I couldn't avoid them all. I lost him for getting on for half an hour in a leisure centre one day and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Please don't assume that your ds will be the same as he gets older - he might be, but I suspect that the fact your dd doesn't leave your side is more to do with her nature than your firmness, and you just can't count on that second time round.

Definitely can't count on them being similar! My dd is like Karen99's ds - Mum's calling me, what fun to run the other way!