For how long should you know another mother at the school gate before entrusting your child to their care?

[Countingthegreyhairs]

My 3.5 dd has made firm friends with another little girl in her class and, as these things go, I don't like the little girl's mother very much. Normally, I don't let this bother me because I recognise that it's my dd's choice of friend that is important here. The trouble is, my dd has now been invited to go and play with this little girl during a weekend soon and I don't know what to do. I'm worried on two counts: first, I've only met the mother a dozen or more times fleetingly at the school gate and so I don't know her very well. Secondly, I just feel instinctively that I wouldn't be happy putting my child in her care. She's asked me to look after her little girl after school occasionally as she is currently having childcare problems. I'm happy to do this but should I accept if I'm not prepared to entrust my child to her care? Oh and how well should you know another mother before doing so? Hoping some more experienced mums can help me out with this one ... Thxs.

Could you go too? For the first time anyway and then make up your mind for any future playdates?

I think you should go with her, stay there and have a cuppa with her mum and if you feel happy to leave her, just leave her for an hour or so then go pick her up.

Jenna x

agree with mum2ella

Your dd is very small, so you could easily say she isn't happy to be left, but would love to come and play for an hour with you along for company. A reasonable person would accept that, I am sure.

agree wth all!

In your shoes, I'd be more worried about being exploited as a source of free childcare.

What are your reasons for not feeling happy putting your child in her care? At some point you do have to start trusting virtual strangers, or your children won't have much social life. If you're concerned about domestic violence or drugs or alcohol, steer well clear, but if it's just that the mother is not quite like you then I'd let your daughter go, and not hang around.

Thanks for all your answers. Sorry - meant to reply before now - had a minor domestic crisis today that needed dealing with!

Yes, will definitely see if I can go along to the play date as well although the invitation wasn't extended to me as well. I guess if she objects then I have my answer. Thanks all for the suggestion.

And no - I'm not worried about alcohol or drugs or anything like that - it's hard to put my finger on. (I guess I'm naieve because those things never occurred to me actually!) She's just comes across as quite a hard person, and is quite unpredictable (sometimes very friendly - sometimes ignores everyone). Her interaction with her own child is abrupt and terse and the little girl herself seems very withdrawn and unhappy and accordingly to her mother hardly eats and doesn't sleep. Maybe it's just the strain of dealing with all of that that has made the mother act this way, plus she has hinted at financial difficulties. I'll just have to check it out myself at first hand I reckon.

Hallgerda - again, call me naieve but can you please expand on what you say about having at some point to trust my child with virtual strangers? I admit to being an anxious mother but don't want to mollycoddle my daughter. Is it inevitable that I will have to do this?

FWIW I never left any of my children at the home of any other child until I was absolutely happy that I trusted the parents.
I think that is perfectly reasonable, and I would have no problem with a parent wanting to come with their child to check me and my family out. My children are extremely precios to me - I have never mollycoddled them, but I like to think I am moderately cautious.

-precious - no spectacles again - must get some varifocals.

I think what Hallgerda meant was that as your dd gets older and is at school and is old enough to go out and play by herself she will have friends whose parents you don't know very well and she will want to go to their houses to play and have tea etc.
The time will come and probably sooner than you think. My d is 3.5 and when she goes to play somewhere we go together as most of the children she plays with are children of friends of mine but now she is at nursery she is making friends whose parents I know to pass the time of day with but don't know well and ther is coming now the innvitable round of parties etc where the children are dropped off and collected later.

At this young age I wouldn't leave her if I wasn't sure or she wasn't happy but I do know that I am not always going to close friends with the parents of her friends and I am not always going to particularly like all of the parents either but it doesn't mean dd will come to any harm. after all we all do things differently and these parents have all managed to look after their own kids ok.

DS is nearly 4 and tbh it hasn't even occured to me to leave him on his own at playdates or parties either. I think it's a nice opportunity to get to know someone better, have a cuppa etc. Is that unusual?

It would probably work ok if you just had the one child, or your child & a baby, but for those who have more children it wouldn't be a practical idea unless the playdate was when the other children were at school.

I can't imagine what people would have thought if I had landed at playdates with my mum complete with 7 siblings

Yep, I'm with you 3littlefrogs and treacletart, although I take the point adath and firefly2 that the day will inevitably come when I won't be able to monitor my dd quite so closely as now. Thanks for all your responses.

As yet, my dd has never attended a play date without me present. I think, with this particular situation, I'm going to invite both the parents and child over for brunch or tea one weekend and then we can get to know one another better. There's still just some instinctive niggle that I don't seem to be able to overcome right now ....

Mum2ella has is 100% right. The odds of course of anything actually bad happening are small but we don't want to go there do we ?

adath has answered the question you asked me very well - thank you, adath!

It is important that your daughter learns to make her own decisions on friendships (this is best done well before boyfriends become an issue ). To do that, she needs both the opportunity to visit children whose parents you don't know terribly well, and to be allowed to change her friends. On the latter ground, I'd not be happy about the proposed childcare arrangement. If you've agreed to look after the other girl "occasionally", rather than, say, next Friday, what if your daughter decides she doesn't want to continue the friendship?

I'm not too sure what you'd be getting out of the arrangement - you don't like the mother particularly, you don't sound too keen on the daughter either, and you don't want a reciprocal childcare arrangement. Doing favours for people who ignore you half the time isn't good for your own mental health.

at 3.5 it is still quiet young for most children to be left at strangers house without a parent and if you say to mother that you not sure what they would be like if you left so i will stay for a bit then get talking and have coffee oh a couple of hours gone by and it time to leave as you have somewhere else to be with the rest of the family hence your exit..

Thanks Hallgerda and PickledPear. Thanks too for expanding on yr earlier point Hallgerda - it sounds a bit pathetic I know -but I had my dd late in life having had virtually no experience of children and this is all a bit of a steep learning curve, so I'm grateful for all the advice. At the risk of over-stating things, I didn't expect all this school/friendship/playdate thing to be so tricky and emotionally charged somehow (for me that is!). Interesting point in your second para. btw - a friend of mine was saying the very same thing to me yesterday as I do have great difficulty saying "no" (except where I thing my dd's safety wd be compromised of course) but as an only child, I want my dd to be able to pursue this friendship if she chooses and if I can help the mother and her daughter out of a temporary difficulty at the same time then I'd genuinely like to be able to help.

We'll see .... will ponder further .... thxs again!

Hi I think going off your feelings is right. I hardly let my twins (4) go anywhere on their own yet, except for family and to play after school with 2 friends with mums I feel fine with. Although they have been invited many times. When mine were 3 a lady invited them to play with her son, but they would have to walk a mile probably running in front like her son does (and mine had no road sense and were a year younger) and they have a pond and a dog that she admitted had bitten 4 people, so I felt bad but said no. It wasn't her personally, as my older DD has been there to play with her DD, it was just I didn't think the time was right for the DT's to go there yet. Now they are in reception, I have said no or made excuses to those I don't know well or don't feel 100% comfortable with. I will continue to do so till I feel OK with leaving them (they prob be about 20 lol).

Forgot to say that once one of the mums invited my DT's to play and I said well I could come for a coffee with them see if they settle first. I never heard back from her! To be honest sometimes it gets abit much all this inviting people for tea all the time xx