Update on my husband left me and took our daughter

[Natalies85]

Recommended that i post the below as a new thread, this follows my post yesterday explaining that my husband had taken my daughter because my anxiety/ depression had been exacerbated by potty training:
Hello all, I wanted to update to see if this changes anyone's perspective. I had thought my husband was leaving temporarily but I just spoke to him and he now wants us to separate for 6-12 months so I can be happier and work on myself. He says he still wants us to "end up together" but thinks it makes sense to buy a house with his share of the equity here which feels very permanent. I think he is being genuine but I also believe it is incredibly naïve for him to think I will miraculously get better without him or my daughter in the house. He says he wants me to go out and have fun. I don't want to go out and have fun, I want the love and support of my family. Am I being unfair? I understand that i have problems i need to deal with but how will that be easier if I'm isolated from my family?

Fuck That!! He's stupid if he believed for one minute you will be miraculously cured over night with him having left and took your daughter!! He should be supporting you!! This sounds off. Think you need to get proper advice. Gp is also a good start.

I’m sorry OP. But assuming you are unhappy about this, you need to do something about it and quickly. You are both her parents and he cannot keep her from you. I would suggest that if you have split up (which is what it sounds like) than a 50/50 residency arrangement should commence ASAP. You really don’t want to get into a situation where he becomes the primary carer/resident parent. Hopefully you can sort this out between yourselves but if not, you need legal advice.

Hello again op, hope you get more help and advice here. You know my views. I know on the other thread you say you do most of the household chores as well as being primary carer. Has your dh suggested other ways of helping you together or do you think he plans on leaving now? What has he said wrt a 50:50 childcare split or you as main carer? I would think practicalities and keep your role as primary carer whilst sorting out counselling for you and also finances. Do not give him the equity unless it is part of a financial legally binding agreement (just my opinion, sounded a bit strong sorry)

Losing your dd is unlikely to have a positive on your mh.

I suggest seeing a solicitor and getting your dd back ASAP - before being with dh full time is cited the norm.

He hasn't actually said he's keeping the DC from the OP though. And OP admits she gets very ill and even when well is 'highly strung'. And OPs anxiety centres around the child and thinking there is something wrong with the child.

I think your husband is trying to put your daughter first and realises it's not good for her to be around if you really do need help. You taking a year to get help with alot less responsibility is a very smart thing to do. For yourself and the child. He clearly wants to support you through it so talk to him, not us.

I'll say what I said on the last thread, I think his made the correct choice.

Having anxiety meltdowns because your dd isn't reaching milestones at the rate you think she should, is not a healthy environment for her.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, I've got anxiety myself so I do understand but you can't continue like this otherwise it'll cause your dd a lot of issues when she's older.

This is a really big deal.

OP you need to call Relate for couple councelling and you need to get help for yourself too. Not seeing your daughter isn’t going to help anyone unless you are a genuine danger to her. Do you feel you are? Does anyone around you? It’s imperative you get outside help so that when/if the chips are down the people supporting you can attest that you are perfectly able to care for your daughter. For the record I think you just need support through this and you’ll come through it.

Also re: your comment that you’re ‘highly strung’ normally - you do have a choice about this. You can change this part of your personality with help if that’s what you want. You’d still be ‘you’ - but you’d understand why you feel a certain way, what’s driving it, and if you want to be driven by it.

Numbers, you need to stop derailing this woman's threads. The husband is now prepapered to be primary carer, which says a lot. The op has been very honest and clear about her health. He has already left. Asking her if he is planning on leaving is not helpful when she has already stated he has gone.

Please give her some respect and read her threads or at least the title of them.

In your first thread, you say you pay the mortgage and all bills, and it sounds like your relationship with your husband is not great, and is emotionally cold. You link your anxiety and stress to this as well. It might be that if you separate, you will feel less stressed. If he says it is a trial separation, but also wants you to give him his equity from the house, that does not sound very trial. It takes six months to buy a house!
What would you like wrt care arrangements? To stay primary carer and see how things go or to change the current arrangement? You should be very aware that your choice now, if you step down from primary carer, could be hard to reverse. I do not think he is being honest with you about the trial split if he wants equity.

How is it derailing? Op hasnt linked to her first thread, it can be confusing. I'm hoping my link works but I am not great either at linking, so trying to summarise rathe r than derail
I could only find one other thread by op from a few years ago, has she posted other stuff about this?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3123653-My-husband-has-left-with-our-daughter?msgid=74392244#74392244

What support do you have around you Natalie ? Are you getting any help with your mental health? Do you have family nearby? Is there anyone who could support you while you are with your dd so you keep up your main care role? Please ask for help.

If not, don't forget there's really nothing wrong with a dad being the primary carer. It sometimes works best, especially in situations where the mum is unwell. Tbh it does sound as if your anxiety is making you quite ill at the moment so it may well be best for your dd that her dad is her primary carer while you work on yourself to get better. That doesn't have to be for ever. Agree now with your dh the times that you will be looking after your dd for the next month or so and ensure that he knows that you will be reviewing it as you feel stronger.

Thank you everyone. To FSMisreal - I know I should be talking to my husband about this but a) I want to give him some space away from my concerns as that is clearly something he needs right now, and b) I thought I needed some outside perspective to help me understand the position. Genuinely the threads over the last couple of days have helped me appreciate that I'm very ill again and that this must be hard for my husband as well. I am going to see my little girl for lunch tomorrow and have a chat with my husband after about short-medium term plans.

Paintingbynumbers you are absolutely right - he will not be getting the equity unless he signs a legally binding agreement relinquishing his share of house - names off the deeds and mortgage, division of assets and legal separation agreement, etc.

I don't think there's anyone else involved - he has sworn on my daughter's life that he wants us all back together in the end and he just isn't the type

Men who are having affairs generally leave the children. Children (especially toddlers) are very inconvenient when you're trying to start a romance.

Thank you paintingbynumbers for linking to the previous thread. The rationale for the equity split is that the mortgage on an apartment/ small house would be about £200 per month cheaper than rent so it makes sense financially in the short term and if we make things work we can just let out the second house.
Regarding care arrangements I want to split custody 50:50 and I believe this is what he wants too after the upset of the initial separation settles down. I am back in work next week and my team includes two solicitors (one of whom is a property specialist), he knows this and knows its my intention to take advice on how we set these things up amicably. He also has two close friends who've suffered terribly with custody battles. Taking these things into account I think it's unlikely he's trying to do something under-hand.

Haffdonga - I do have four close friends nearby - and my sister lives in the next city c40 miles away. I have bought some kindle books today on anxiety and CBT also and I will see my GP next week (I couldn't get an appointment today).