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Original poster

Friend deliberately got pregnant then had abortion!?!

55 replies

PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 11:51

Hi, I didn't know whether to post this under parenting or relationships but it's a bit of - cross over I suppose.
When my friend found out I was pregnant she came off birth control and began to take prenatal vitamins behind her boyfriend's back. She hadn't been together with her boyfriend long (maybe a year at that point and they don't live together.) Her boyfriend had never treated her very well so I was surprised to say the least. She told me she was panicking because of being in her mid 30's and it could be her only chance. She was well aware her boyfriend may not want the baby but convinced herself he would once found out

She became pregnant a month before my baby was due and then came over in floods of tears saying her boyfriend didn't want her to keep it. Friend's bf was always up and down and had known mental health issues. One day he would tease her about wanting children and the next decide he didn't want them as already had 2 from a previous relationship.
My friend decided it just wasn't the right time and to have an abortion encouraged by her boyfriend. Being 9 months pregnant myself at the time I found it hard to get my head around (Not the abortion but the deliberately getting pregnant knowing all of the uncertainties then abortion.)
She went through with the abortion and than actually stayed with her boyfriend.
My baby is now 10 months old and my friend recently joked she might have to get pregnant again and come off the pill if her boyfriend wouldn't change his mind.
I feel my friend is very immature for her age (she is now 36). She told work and other friends that she had a miscarriage so they all feel sorry for her and only I know the truth. What does everybody think about this?

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constantchange · 28/12/2017 12:32

I aborted a planned baby. I can tell you why she did it. Because she thought it would turn out OK. Then it didn’t. Now the memories of pregnancy have faded she once again believes it will turn out OK.

This. It's not for you to judge. You don't know what she was/is going through.

Viviennemary · 28/12/2017 12:34

I couldn't be friends with somebody like that who could joke about an abortion. I don't think it's a laughing matter. She sounds totally without morals. Horrible woman.

Reallytired17 · 28/12/2017 12:37

People use humour to deflect from situations they find uncomfortable.

I could not be friends with someone who shared intimate details about me and invited a load of strangers to say what an awful person I was.

Trills · 28/12/2017 12:40

I think that getting pregnant deliberately while telling your partner you are using birth control is the worst part of this.
Having the abortion was the most sensible choice she could make, given the circumstance she'd got herself into.

You're right that she's very immature if she can "joke" about doing it again.
Are you sure that she's a good friend to have around? Does having her in your life improve your life?

Viviennemary · 28/12/2017 12:47

Reading your post again she does sound as if she was upset by the whole thing. In floods of tears. And telling people she had a miscarriage. Well that's up to her and it's not up to you to tell people the truth. I would distance myself from her as she is obviously upsetting you as you can see the same thing happening again.

Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:03

Yeah oh I wouldn't tell anybody it wasn't a miscarriage it's not my business and that would be terrible for somebody to do that. I can't see myself continuing the friendship as long as she's with the boyfriend as she hasn't been a great person to herself, other people and only pleases him. It's not healthy and I feel I'm watching her destroy herself and her own happiness, he upset he all do the time and I'm always picking up the pieces. I have my baby to think about and don't have the time I used to have and am beginning to feel used/

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:03

he upset her all of the time

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:10

Reallytired17 very helpful

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:14

I just don't know how to help my friend anymore and we are becoming distant and I feel she only gets in touch when she has problems with her bf or he drops her last minut . She also tells me it's okay for you, you have a baby and how she will be too old. I don't know what to do anymore.

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:14

e

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sinceyouask · 28/12/2017 13:17

Not your body or choice. If you can't be genuinely supportive and non judgemental do her a favour and get out of her life. She has, it sounds, enough to deal with, without a 'friend' like you around.

Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:17

I wasn't against the abortion?? Abit uncalled for

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:19

I've been very supportive thank you the time around but I don't agree with Risking getting pregnant behind her bf's back again and this resulting in a second abortion

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:20

If anything his is found to cause said friend more upset and what will it achieve

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:20

cause

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:20

going

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pelmeni · 28/12/2017 13:23

The friend has done nothing wrong. Her body, her choice. She doesn't need to justify her choices to you or to anyone.

I don't believe there's anything immoral about abortion, but more importantly, bodily autonomy shouldn't come with conditions - it's not for anyone to judge which abortions are 'worthy' and which aren't. Conditions change, and she's allowed to change her mind. Free access to abortions, for whatever reason, are such an integral part to women's rights over her own body.

ItsChristmoose · 28/12/2017 13:25

Pelmeni, she got pregnant on purpose behind her partners back. I would consider that pretty low.

Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:27

Just to clarify this is NOT an anti abortion thread. Everybody has their reasons and there are many reason for having an abortion and that's not the purpose of this thread. The thread is a discussion about my friends acceptance of an emotionally abusive boyfriend and lack of self awareness.

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headinhands · 28/12/2017 13:29

She didn't get herself pregnant for starters. She may well be immature. But if she is, doesn't it follow that she need more support rather than less? More people to show her what sound reasoning looks like rather than less?

DeleteOrDecay · 28/12/2017 13:30

She sounds vulnerable not horrible. The boyfriend sounds abusive.

I agree that stopping contraception behind his back to get pregnant on purpose is wrong. I wouldn't judge her though, who knows what he's like behind closed doors. The things you see or have been told by your friend could be the thin end of the wedge. The way he sends her mixed messages by teasing her about having kids then changing his mind is probably messing with her head in a big way.

No idea what I would do in your situation op. But I'd be inclined to think there's more to it, the 'joking' is probably a front to hide what is really going on.

Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:37

Thanks i so believe he messes with her head. She doesn't live with him and he keeps breaking up with her and then getting back with her because she begs him to get back with her. He refused to have any pictures of them together on his Facebook yet she has loads. She does everything for him yet he does nothing. My frigrandmother be is very strong and tells everybody else what to do yet when it comes to her bf it's like she panders to his we've whim. I believe my friend has very low self esteem and doesn't want her relationship to fail and nothing else comes close in importance to her bf. she has changed a lot since being with him and had started buying loads of clothes and dressing up all of the time to keep him interested. She has always wanted a baby and it's sad that it's came to this.

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:37

my friend is also

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:38

every

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Original poster
PasstheStarmix · 28/12/2017 13:40

The last thing she said to me is that she might try it again and come off the pill without telling him and that he would have to accept it. I worry this will only end in tears like it did the first time. I told her it should be a joint decision and have triedmy best to advise he over the last two years. She will literally cry her eyes out about him then the next night go out drinking and partying with him and laughing like nothing has happened.

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