No Idea How To Enjoy / Entertain Baby

[Goawaybabyblues]

My DD is 6 weeks old and I have just been diagnosed with PND. The past 6 weeks have been the absolute worst experience of my life. But now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and things are improving. I'm taking medication and my DD is sleeping better. My confidence is growing and she seems to be in her own little routine. I have a great support network of family and my GP / health visitor.

When she was born I was ecstatic but on day 3 when the baby blues kicked in, I started to feel numb towards her and even resentful. Now I do feel for her but know my bond isn't what it should be. I love her and at night especially enjoy our time together feeding and cuddling. But I don't enjoy her like all our relatives do. They cuddle her for hours, coo over her and generally jump at he chance to hold her. I've kept up her care throughout all of this, that's never been an issue, but it's been done because I have to not because I've enjoyed it. I wish I could gush over her the way I should be. I see other parents who could seemingly stare at their babies for hours and I feel useless. I see the huge potential in her, the little person she will become and how much fun we'll have but it I'm honest I think I hate the newborn stage. She's awake more now but I find her awake time hard unless I'm out walking. It panics me a bit as when I was feeling really low it would make me feel totally smothered.

I am feeling less that way each day. And enjoying more moments with her. But one thing is hindering it. I have literally no idea what to do with her? We have a bouncer I put her in but it's more so I can get a few things done. I try to chat to her but feel almost awkward around her. I have a playmat and a mamaroo type chair, but it feels like her little life is spent being moved from baby holder to baby holder.

My home was a dark place throughout this period, it reminded me of labour and those horrible early days so I found it hard to be there. From the day I got home I've been going out, even when I could barely walk. People always comment on how well we've done to get out, but in all honesty it masks something stranger. I don't know how to be in my house with her. Whilst other Mums probably spent the first month at home getting into a little routine, I've never done that. So I have no idea how to hangout at home with my baby in tow. And how to ensure she's getting enough stimulation to develop and thrive.

I wish I could just feel natural and carry on with my life whilst chatting away to her, but with the depression I don't enjoy things I normally would so just existing is hard work. Never mind doing it in front of someone.

I hated NCT and don't fancy groups at the moment. I feel it would be obvious I don't have the bond I should do. I thought about going to baby massage but saw a video of the class a few days before on FB and it was just mums totally in awe of their babies, cooing over them and making faces to them. At best I'd feel like an imposter. At worst I'd have to run out the room.

I have accepted a lot of help from my mum and my husband has been amazing, which has helped me through this time. However it means I haven't spent much time at all (literally about 4 days) on my own with her. And those days were a disaster (I couldn't hack being in the house crying so sat in John Lewis crying until my husband finished work). I really want to feel like me and my baby have our own thing going at home. To enjoy my days with her and get into our own little routine, but I just don't understand what we should be doing. Maybe I'm overthinking things and moving her around the house with me is ok. But I feel lacking as a mum because of how I feel so second guess everything.

Congratulations. It’s a difficult tune I’m glad you’re getting the help you need and things are getting better day by day.
I think it’s good to get a balance of going out and staying in. Try the baby massage. It doesn’t matter if you feel like an imposter. Touch is amazing and you don’t have to look like you’re in awe when you’re doing it.
At home, I’ve always just done my own thing whilst tending to the baby’s needs at that age. I had the radio and tv on for my entertainment. I listened to audiobooks and music. I carried on with chores.
I fed and cuddled the baby. Sang to them. I took baby out for walks.
I didn’t really talk to my baby at that age.
When they started to get bigger and more interactive, I just started being more interactive with them.
I’m sure you’ll find your rhythm and a lot of how you are with your baby is dictated by your personality.

I think it's perfectly normal to find being at home with a baby that age hard. I went out as much as I possibly could. Even the supermarket was a break. I think I just bought 3 things a day each day! Baby groups really helped. I went to some free ones at churches and paid for baby swimming lessons. I kidded myself it was to teach my baby to swim but they were more important than that - they kept me sane! It was fun chatting to the other mums but there was also no pressure if you weren't feeling sociable that day as you were so busy staying afloat and getting the baby ready.

Everything will come in time. Don't feel bad if talking to the baby feels weird. It does to most people but in a blink of an eye they will really respond and you will want to chat to them to get a reaction and it will suddenly feel natural.

New borns are the hardest age. They take and take and give nothing back! It's easy for relatives to coo over them because compared to you they spend no time at all with them! They also have the advantage of a full nights sleep and most know how short this time is.

I did an nct group and all of us admitted we hated the new born baby phase! This was really helpful as there is so much pressure from society at large to love it. It's not easy.

It gets so much more fun. I would just get what you want to do at home and don't feel bad if you need to get out. It's ok for the baby to fit round your needs at this stage. You will be a great mum. Please don't worry!

I meant to add about the groups- some are off putting because some other mums refuse at admit anything is hard or not lovely (they are liars .. . ) and i can understand why you don't want to be there right now but most are full of supportive mums having a rough time it just takes one person to start the conversation the flood gates open! That's why I mentioned swimming. I found it easier and less intense than sitting in a circle of new mums.

Sorry you’ve been struggling. FWIW I think you’ve done really well so far to get through it and get help for your PND. You are actually doing a great job of being a mum by looking after your baby even though you are struggling so much yourself

I think it’s ok not to love being at home with your baby, I found it boring most of the time to be honest! I think it gets better as they get older and more interactive.

I suggest you try a baby massage or baby yoga class. See if you can do a trial class rather than signing up for a block or term all at once. It’s unlikely to be like the video. You don’t have to talk to the other parents if you don’t want to. And it will give you ideas of things to do at home.

Sorry to hear things have been so rough. PND is so widespread but so little talked about. Wonder weeks is a fab book which has ideas for games for each stage.
Groups might seem the worst thing ever for now but can I recommend one for if you do start to feel like trying one? Daisy baby was a real help to me during this kind of age, very small groups and teacher led interaction..lots of ideas for playing with baby and it has a time for positive affirmations as part of it which sound daft but was a help in my recovery.
Things baby might enjoy;
Lay next to each other with her level with your face. Smile and chat to her. She may reach towards you and try exploring your face. You can blow gently on her face hands or feet and progress this to rasberry blowing if she enjoys it :)

A bath together.

Singing to your little one. Any songs you remember from your own childhood that made you feel at home are a great starting point.

Baby massage. There are some vids on you tibe you can join in with :)

Lay baby on their back and gently swoop a muslin cloth through the air above them gently drawing over their face down to their feet. So you are hidden and then revealed..singing and smiling help for this one. My little girl still loves this now.

Cuddling up with a story...baby enjoys listening to your voice.

Dancing round the room holding baby or with baby in the sling.

Any time spent with you is a olaying and learning time for your baby and they so enjoy your company...even when it feels like you arent doing anyrhing...it can feel really silly talking to them aloud as you go aboit tasks in the home but this is fun and reassuring to them.

Round and round the garden or similar little rhymes..you tube is a good source of these if you dont know many.

Hope some of those help. Interaction grows so much as they grow. I remeber feeling so relieved wheb my baby started smiling more at about 9 weeks...in my head i felt like im finally doing something right!

Hope these next weeks become easier xxx

I'm sorry you've had a hard time with your baby. There is so much written in books about stimulating them etc etc - it can make you feel kind of guilty if you aren't cooing and chatting to them all the time.

You say that you like to go out walking - could you put you baby in a sling and go for a walk with her? Or just stick her in the pushchair and do the same. It will be a change of scene for you both.

I used to go to lots of museums when my DC were little. Interesting for me and of course for them as they have seen nothing of this world so anything is interesting.

I remember one dark evening with two under two when I had had enough of the house and just stuck them both in the double buggy screaming their heads off and walked around a park in the rain. It was awful for me but they have grown up to be normal human beings.

I also second groups. At the tiny baby stage they are more for the mums than the babies. To keep your sanity. Don't worry about talking to your baby - she will be listening and taking it all in. At least somone else will be making you a coffee and you might make a friend.

I was the same. This didn't come naturally to me. Baby groups helped, I started baby yoga at 6 weeks and baby massage a little later. DS had colic and the latter helped.

Well done for seeking treatment; that is an amazing first step so give yourself a big pat on the back

ohlittlepea has given some wonderful suggestions but I would also add Baby Disco to the mix. This involves baby on play mat, your favourite tunes on YouTube and getting baby to 'dance' ie move legs and arms about. It is nice for Baby and you get to listen to songs that make you feel happy!

Good luck

I found baby massage really difficult plus DD hated being naked or lying down. For bonding I found using a sling helpful.

Talk and sing to your baby. It does not have to be baby songs or be interesting when you talk. Imagine you are an estate agent and take your baby for a tour around your house. Get a couple of baby books and read them to her.

There is a baby group called Tots Play and they do a baby development course which is about how to play with your baby.

If you are not up to talking to people then structured baby classes are good as there is not really time to talk.

Having settled into a routine at 6 weeks is amazing. Remember your baby just wants to be near you.

Congratulations on your baby OP and I'm so pleased that you're feeling a little better than those first few weeks, which even without PND are enormously stressful so I you should be proud of how well you sound like you're coping.

I didn't suffer with PND but still find the baby stage boring. At about 5 months it picked up no end as babies start developing their own personalities. Is your baby smiling yet? If not, she will be soon and I found getting something positive back from my DS's made a huge difference. Also structure your day so you have something in the morning, lunch and something PM, even if it's a walk to the shop for 1 item as PP said!

Have you considered any exercise classes with your baby? You don't really have to interact if you dont want to, as you're all working out, and exercise is great to get the dopamine flowing.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Honestly you are overthinking it. It's fine for her just to tag along with you while you do some jobs or just cuddle and stick on a box set! They don't really need much stimulation at that age and then as she starts to do more stuff and respond to you, hopefully you will feel less daft interacting with her.

Good luck!

I could have written this post a few months ago. My son has just turned 1 and i still don't enjoy being around him like I feel I should, but it got so much easier once he sit could up by himself, explore a bit, play with toys etc - I found it easier to play along with him as it was like he was showing me what he wanted to do.

I couldn't face going to groups either, but I hated it when it was just the two of us in the house. All I could do was stare at him, worry I wasn't meeting his needs and wait anxiously for him to start fussing. I know what you mean about feeling you're just moving them from one baby holding device to another. I quite liked to put a podcast or radio 4 on and have him in his bouncer watching me tidy up. Or hold him and bob around to some bouncy music. I found it really difficult to talk to him, but I did try and chat away and that also got easier too once he started babbling back in response. Good luck and for you.

I’m sorry things have been so tough for you. I think that age is hard as they get more alert but they aren’t able to engage in toys etc.
I genuinely found it much easier to “enjoy” my baby when she started smiling but it still takes a while before they start interacting more.
I used to sing and dance with my baby a lot, not to nursery rhymes but to music I liked. It made me feel more like myself and it’s an interaction you don’t think too hard about.
I also liked reading to my baby and again as you’re focused on the book it’s not something where you think too hard about it.

Sorry you’re finding things tough - I found it hard at that stage as well, I wouldn’t say I had PND but I was on my own for a few weeks between my DH going back to work and finding/realising the friends I had. To be 100% honest, if I could go back to that stage (and I so wish I could) I would have just held her.. I wouldn’t have been rushing aroud and going out every day, trying to put her down to get stuff done, trying to do tummy time (my DH read we should start early.. I think I managed about 30secs a day but wish I’d never bothered!) I honestly wish I just slowed down and held her, looked at her and took her in, wish I learned her cry, wish I’d pampered to every wish - she loved being walked around... being held all day.

I cracked it by week 9 (she’s 15w now) but even now I have to remind myself to sod the housework and just play.(it can be done when she’s asleep!) It all takes time to adjust to being a Mum, so try and forget some of the things that need doing, sit and hold her, even if you watch television and chat about what’s on (we have the odd chat about not appearing on Jeremy Kyle when it’s on!) soon she will be laughing at things you do - staring at you waiting to see what you’re up to... honestly it’s a matter of days/weeks and she will be giving so much back. Even getting up in the night isn’t so bad when you have a smiling, happy baby kicking in excitement that you’re going to pick them up.

Well done for getting this far. I know what you mean about not knowing how to hang out with your baby. I was the same and was worried I was unnatural. And I was bored which seemed even worse somehow. But then it dawned on me that I'd never been the baby cooing type anyway.
So I just put him in a front sling and got on with my day. Normal routine except for feed & nappy change. He was happy, warm, close/asleep and I stopped worrying about it.
For me, that helped to get my balance back. But everyone is different. You don't need to do what other mums do. You'll soon get to what feels right for you. xx

Thank you so much for all your comments, I've read them all and will be trying your suggestions.

I messaged the tots play group and the coordinator was lovely and also had PND so I feel comfortable going and am just going to try it.