Feel like a slave to childcare while gets to choose his lot

[SydBound27]

I'm not sure this is where to post this but here goes.

I wanted to know if anyone can relate to my experience. My dh and i have a 2.5yo dd. My dh is lovely and we generally have a close and balanced relationship. He's a 'planner/doer' which some might see as a blessing - always busy fixing and tidying etc.

But i feel like we never spend quality time together when we're home together. I end up doing all the childcare while dh happily ticks things off his self prescribed to do list. It's like he doesn't want to spend time with us, and as if i have nothing better to do.

I feel like I'm always in this position of minding our child so I don't have the freedom to actually decide what i need to do and just get on with it. He will just decide to go to the shops assuming ill look after our daughter and i would never do that to him. He doesn't even see it as a freedom - Ive talked to him about it and he doesn't get it. He finishes a weekend and has a dozen jobs to show for it, and i feel like a lazy worthless idiot as I've not done a thing other than take care of all of our daughter's needs.

Even when i get him to mind her (to do a task, which he hardly ever asks me for) he'll half do it and I'll have to finish the job. And he'll do all the prep and not follow through - e.g. make the dinner/ lunch but not make sure she eats it.

Is this normal? Should I just be happy that he tries or 'helps' (his words) at all? He works full time and I'm part time so in the week I'm primary child carer but on the weekend there's no reason either should be.

I'm so frustrated, depressed and feel more like staff than an equal parent.

I think this is a common problem for parents - the early days are almost always about mum with the baby and that often just rolls into toddlerhood, without people noticing at the time.

So i think that if this is the way its been for 2.5 years, you need to change your approach if you want things to change. Tell him how you feel and what you'd like to see change. He's unlikely to notice or think things need to change unless you tell him.

And you need to be specific in what you need from him. "I want to do x, so I'll leave toddler with you for a few hours. I was hoping to do it this afternoon". It's not asking his permission, but stating what you want to do, then agreeing together when it worth for both of you.

The more you do this, the more natural it will be for him to see you as separate to your toddler and the more aware he'll be of his role in hands on parenting. The current weekend pattern is a habit that needs to be broken if it's making you unhappy.

We had this argument pretty early with our son. My husband said he was going out for a run one night after work and I pointed out that he needed to check I would stay in with the baby because we couldn’t just make our own choices any more.
Discuss it and maybe agree a rough rota? So one of you does jobs in the morning and the other in the afternoon? Sounds a bit over kill at first but it will make your point.

I don’t think it’s any indication on your husband or his parenting/love it’s just a new mindset kx

Arrange to go out for the day and leave his child with him to look after

He likes doing his jobs so it’s no different from you choosing to go out

Let the two of them sort themselves out

He needs to learn how to spend some time with his child and be a parent instead of hiding behind the jobs list

Before I had kids I noticed this all the time. The men in the office made after work plans without checking with their partners whereas the women would always say they needed to sort childcare first or check with their partners. I am a lone parent so have to get on and do odd jobs around or with my kids. He could learn to do the same

@KatyN is spot on x

Me time, family time, work time and chore time. They all need to be balanced so stuff gets done and everyone gets a turn.

Do not become 'default parent' because that sticks.

That is why I was glad to be a lone parent. It takes the joy out of being with your child when there is someone else who thinks they are too good to do such a job.

Still he is missing out on his dd. No advice and I am obviously not saying LTB.

I don't think he sounds lovely at all! He sounds self absorbed and tedious. Why be grateful for scraps? He either gets it or jogs on.

Ring fence your time. So for a weekend ,divide it up so that you both get equal amounts of time to do the things you choose.
He needs to spend time with Just his daughter, and I'd throw him in the deep end.

I know you've talked to him, and he didn't understand, but he doesn't need to understand, he just needs to be more flexible.
I remember going through this, and I said midweek " I'm going to meet jenny for lunch on Saturday, I'll be back by 4", it was easier to be out of the house. It to me to hold the boundaries, because it tended to slip back to default. and because it all came out of breastfeeding, and having to be on hand, I has to be strict with myself.

I could have written this! I have started insisting my OH takes our little one with him on his errands, or that we all go and add in something fun along the way, e.g. we all go and do the food shop then stop off for a pub lunch on the way home.
My other half is also a doer and a planner but I think our situation sort of arose after I had a difficult birth and for a long time wasn't up to much physically so he took it all on himself.

If he likes to plan, then ask him to draw up a plan making sure you both get time to do your own thing, as well as family time on the weekends.

My husband is pretty good at this now, and will encourage me to go away for an afternoon so that it’s fair for him to do the same at another time.

I could have written this!

With my oh I believe he just doesn't see what needs doing. I also feel guilty and so grateful when he does some childcare so I can do something like go to the hairdressers and he then feels like he deserves a day to himself! It's so bizarre why either of us behave like this. Speaking to him never works because he just doesn't get it!

I remember in the early days having a massive row because he spent a day gardening which desperately needed doing but i just wanted day off being the childcare. Mowing the lawn was genuinely preferable at that point!

Could you try mimicing his behaviour to see if he gets it? ' I'm just popping to the shops, shouldn't be more than a couple of hours'. Don't prepare anything the child needs or any meals. Be out the house for a similar amount of time hes out for. Pretend to be completely oblivious to any carnage when you return. Don't moan but don't offer to clean up just cheerfully get on with a productive day. Repeat often to get the point across. And dont thank for it. This is where I believe I have gone wrong! You might be grateful but I think it embeds an idea that it's not their job and you will soon be back to pick up the pieces!

I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say that I could have written this exact post!
DH is great with things around the house, cleaning, etc. but always ‘chooses’ to do these over childcare. I don’t have that choice.
Also can definitely relate to the ‘default parent’ thing, even on a very basic level, eg. at the weekend I’ll say “can you watch the children while I have a shower?” whereas he’ll announce “I’m going for a shower” and just assume I’m going to do the childcare.
Sadly my DH seems to see every attempt to discuss things as a giant criticism, and then he overreacts, so it’s easier for me to just put up with it. (That’s pretty tragic and very unlike me, reading that back)

What Hunca said ^. Go out and don’t ask for permission.