Struggling with preteen with ASD

[cakeymccakington]

My son is 12 (13 in feb). He was dx with autism at 6.

I'm finding his behaviour so difficult right now. I have autism myself and so I ought to understand what he's going through. The things he struggles with I also struggle with and we clash a lot.

I know it isn't all ASD related it's his age as well, but I just don't know how to help and I feel like the worst parent ever right now.

Yesterday he spent hours irritating one of his brothers to the point of making him cry
I say irritating but it's bullying. He's also quite aggressive and squares up to people which is quite intimidating when he's twice your age.

In any case it all ended with me having a meltdown and screaming at all of them and telling him he was behaving like a 3 year old who was bullying people.

So he says "oh are you saying you want me to bully people?"

This winds me up no end. If I ever say anything he doesn't like he'll say "oh so you're telling me to xyz" when clearly I'm not.

I ended up sending him to his dad for ght night to give us all some breathing space.
He came home earlier and was vile to us all the moment he walked through the door.
This escalated gradually throughout the day and ended with him throwing things at me and his 3 year old brother.

I physically moved him away at which point he started hitting and scratching and trying to bite me.
I slapped his face.

I feel AWFUL. I keep crying. I know his behaviour is a sign that he cannot deal with the situation he's in. But instead of supporting him I hurt him.

I called his dad and he came and picked him up.

But tis isn't right. It's awful for his brothers seeing him and me like this.i hate how it's affecting my 10 year old.

I think I need to call social services because I'm not good enough to be a mother :-(
And when I tell them I deliberately hurt my son because I couldn't deal with what he was doing they will take all 4 children away from me.

But maybe that's for the best because I feel like I'm failing all of them. But especially my eldest.

I don't know how to deal with it when he's being rude and aggressive and unkind. It just pushes all my buttons and I hate hate hate it

Sorry this is so long. I don't really have anyone I can talk this through with and it's making me so miserable :-(

Anyone??

One he’s a teenager and they’re crappy and two he has asd which makes things even more trying. I’ve got two dc with asd but they’re a lot younger.

What about simple consequences for behaviour? Also Social stories about behaviour. If he’s not coping in certain situations go back to basics and look at trigger points to try to help him learn coping strategies.

Parenting when you're ASD is hard, parenting a child with ASD is hard, parenting a child with ASD when you're ASD is doubly hard.

Your children aren't going to be removed from you because you slapped a 12yo who was being violent towards you.

Do you have help from CAMHS at all?

Camhs refuse to see him because he has autism and they won't deal with autistic kids.

A couple of years ago his paediatrician referred him because he was saying gee wanted to die and he tried to jump out his bedroom window. They still wouldn't see him.

I think it's as much me learning to deal with the teen behaviour as it is him learning to deal with certain situations.

It's sad but he just can't deal with having siblings, but I can't change that.
It was a lot easier before his dad left because we could separate them a bit more easily.

I don't think I'm doing a good enough job.

The only consequence he cares about is losing screens but he'd already lost them today so I guess he felt he had nothing else to lose

You are not failing as a parent- you are working very hard at a very difficult job. My ds1 winds his brothers up terribly. I find it really hard to deal with. My only technique is to separate them but that does not really help long term. I think ds1 is really struggling because it is the Christmas holidays. He misses that structure and predictability. I have no answers as I am also struggling with ds1 today but wanted you to know you are not alone. I wonder if a more structured reward and punishment system might work and maybe talking through with him what is going to happen. Hopefully someone will have more answers!

Thanks Loris. It feels impossible at times because he's clearly so distressed but my own issues make it so hard for me to be able to take a step back and see it for what it is.

I'm worried I'm making things worse

CAMHS tried to refuse to take my DD too as they "don't deal with ASD" in this area. I had to raise a major complaint with them. Do you have any help at all?

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I really feel for you op, I have 2 ASD DC's and it's bloody hard and mine aren't teens yet

pmd you x

Grooovy I have my parents not too far away who help out and he adores them so that's good.
I did complain to CAMHS and the CQC but got nowhere and I just don't have the energy to pursue it right now.

I have an 8 year old with PDA too, so it's all fun and games in this house when we're all stressed.

I had a message from his dad to say he's ok and they're enjoying an evening out that they'd already planned so they've taken him along and apparently he's fine now.

There are times when I need to back down and I know I need to but I just can't make myself do it. It's so stupid