Avoiding sibling rivalry in very different kids.

[Tigerlillies]

When I fell pregnant for the first time I was full of good intentions unfortunatley ds wasn't the baby that I had ordered. He was difficult and demanding and I was already going against my beliefs and he was 'labelled' within a matter of weeks.
Aas time went on I found it difficult to accept just how stubborn one child could be. I just had no idea where his temper and aggression came from. I had no choice but to take a stricter approach with him than I had originally planned.
He is now 4 and still the same but much more in control although I need to be constantly reminding him of what is and isn't appropriate. I've come to the conclusion that we are very different people and we may never really connect how I hoped we would do.
Ds2 is 11 months and is the exact opposite of ds1. During the pregnancy he hardly moved, he was 2lbs lighter at birth, he was a sleepy baby, got on well with bf, hardly cried and was instantly chatty and happy. He looked just like me too, unlike ds1 who is the spitting image of dh.
With ds2 I am able to cuddle and kiss instead of being pushed away. He understands 'no' and already knows a few words including baby signs. He is still predominantly bf. We co-sleep and he is in a sling for as long as he wants to be. He is gentle and considerate.
For the most part ds1 gets all of the attention as he is a quite hyper at times and needs to be in the centre of everyones focus. Ds2 takes a back seat most of the time.
I can imagine that I will continue to discipline ds1 in the same way but I may take a softer approach with ds2 in the future.
I can already se a huge difference between them educationally speaking although I realise obviously ds2 is still a baby and they all level out in the end. Ds1 has been referred to a SENCO for his problems with his anger at playgroup. They found a very highly strung boy who was a little behind but not much.
Sorry waffling..
So I have two very different children who get on wonderfully, I love them both equally but they aren't equal. How can I avoid labelling, and encourage their individual acheivements?

Well I have 2 very different children. Ds1 is 5 non-verbal autistic and ds2 is a very relaxed, very sociable 2 year old. Ds2 commands attention, and if I try to play with ds1, ds2 will crash in and take over- then ds1 wanders off. Obviously they have to be parented in very different ways, and quite often ds1's needs have to come first (especially when we are out and about).

The only way I've found round it is to treat them differently, (although there are a few non-negotiable ground rules) but to also try to spend a lot of time with them individually.

The first child always looks like the dad and the second the mum- strange isn't it!

Tigerlillies, right at the end of your message is what sounds to me the crucial thing - you say they get on wonderfully. So that means - realising ds2 is tiny yet, but anyhow - at some level they appreciate their own differences and enjoy them. I expect ds2 finds ds1 a great source of fun and entertainment - "where the action is", and probably always will; while for your ds1 having a compliant friendly little brother will likely be a lifelong settling influence.

I have two very different too: ds (5) dreamy, apparently superbright but comes across as goofy and immature, needs lots of help grasping social conventions; dd (3 and a half) more articulate, instinctively considerate and socially astute than I'll ever be. They adore each other; don't compete, as they're so different; yet co-operate beautifully; and many's the time I've thought there is no better help I could have given ds than dd for a sister. And I use it too: I can ask ds what he thinks dd would have done in certain sort of playground situation; I can suggest to dd that she find out from ds why time, or gravity, or whatever it is this week, is so interesting.

They respond very differently to discipline, too: dd needs nothing more than a firm look - have to be a bit careful not to break her heart; ds needs very careful leading through the problem, with visual aids, an exaggeratedly serious face, etc. - he's had some SENCO involvement as well. So though maybe some people wouldn't agree with this approach, I definitely find myself conscious of (and making use of) their differences, and not at all trying to find an approach that tries to treat them objectively the same.

This book ! Explicitly says it's impossible to treat your kids equally, you have to try to meet their needs equally well, instead, which is different.
All my kids look morelike me, actually. Hard 2 spot DH in them at all.

One of the main messages in the book Zebra has recommended is to never go on about one child when you are with the other. This is something my mother does all the time & it drives me up the wall. Every time I see her I get an hourly (!) account of what my brother does, says, thinks, feels... the message I get loud & clear is that he is on her mind all the time. It's quite hard not to, though. I have to stop myself from doing it.

Also, no comparing! Never say "why can't you be quiet/more careful/thoughtful like your brother"

Otherwise the fact that you realise they are so different will ensure you treat them differently. That is half the battle.

Wow, 2-handed typing!
There's a lot more in that book... don't make/enforce solutions when your children argue, but do your hardest to coax them into negotiating with each other, instead, is another point.

'd also recommend that book. My boys are very differnt. sometimes they seem to copy each other's characteristics but generally they seem happy to be themselves. i think it also says it in the book, but I just often tell them what I love about them& what makes them so unique and different and loveable, so they don't seem concerned that the other brother is xyz because thet're a great and fab abc iyswim!