Feel like the worst parent ever.

[QuilliamCakespeare]

DS has his first settle at nursery today. He's an absolute Velcro baby and goes batshit crazy when I leave the room. One of the ladies there held him yesterday while I dropped his older brother off and he bawled even though I was standing next to him. He's very adventurous and loves exploring... but only really if I'm nearby. I'm going back to work in the new year so it's necessary to settle him if I want to work. I've loved my year off but I need to get back to earning and having something back of myself. Logically it's the right decision but seeing his little face screw up then start sobbing floors me. Help me feel less like the worst parent ever, please!

Do you have to go back to work?

Financially it's not absolutely essential but we do have plans for the house (which will ultimately benefit the children) that we can't do without it. Plus I'd like to use my brain again!

He will get used to it and probably quite quickly. And it will benefit him long term being with other adults and children.

You’re a wonderful parent - that’s why he gets so upset when you leave the room! Try not to worry, I think there’s always a period of adjustment with nursery and it was only his first settle. It’s very normal for kids to be upset and clingy at first. Nursery will be great, he’ll make lots of friends and can do things like lots of messy play and group activities.
It’s also normal to feel guilty but it does get better I promise.. he’ll love it soon.. you might find it’s actually more upsetting if in a few months he runs in to nursery saying “you can go now mum” haha. Good luck going back to work

My youngest 2 both did this. And then we’re totally fine after I’d gone. I used to feel terrible but by the time I had got back in the car they were happy playing. I didn’t believe it until I saw a video. Bound to be difficult at first but you need to do the right thing for your whole family. Good luck with it.

Hang on in there. We're one month down the line from you and while I know he'd rather be at home with us it's so much easier already. For me as much as the baby because I know the staff now and don't feel like I'm leaving him with strangers. As an added bonus his walking and communication skills have noticeably improved since he's had other older babies to copy.

What age is DS?
My DD was a complete Velcro baby too. I started settling her into nursery 4 months before I returned to work as I knew she would find the transition hard. And she did.

She was 10 months when we started and although the crying stopped and she did bond with a couple of the nursery workers. It wasn't until she had been there for about 6 months that I would say she properly settled. And actually seemed to enjoy going. I think this was down to age.

In her nursery they move rooms as they get older so after 6 months she moved to the next room. Kids were a lot more mobile. There was more interesting things to do.

She now loves going to nursery. She has only ever done 2 full days which also probably made settling a bit harder at the start. But she now asks if she's going to nursery on various days and gets excited when she is going. She's 2 now and they do so many activities both inside and outside. She has lots of friends that she talks about at home.

I am so glad that we stuck with it. There were so many days at the start that I questioned my decision to return to work. But without a doubt it was the right thing for everyone.

Try a few more sessions before you decide if he's ready or if there's an actually an issue you feel uncomfortable with.

Remember it's not "now or never". I negotiated an extra year career break with an employs one stage. (I initially asked for 6 months) when one of mine just wasn't ready, but only you can judge your own child's reaction and your own needs.

Whatever you decide, you've decided by balancing things up carefully, so don't feel bad once you've made a considered decision.

Employer at one stage^

If I could have my time again the one thing I would change is going to work and not being so available to my children. There, I've said it! I was a SAHM with a DD1 like you have described. She had pretty intense separation anxiety, even within the family. I think we would both have benefited from being apart so that I could feel like real person again. I have to say that I would not have worked full time, though. You have to find the balance that is right for you. Good luck.

My DD did this when I first started to leave her but was absolutely fine once I'd gone (I used to wait and peak through the window). It's just all new and a change to get used to. She went through a stage of not being overly keen on being left with her Dad either but that didn't mean we stopped doing it. My DD made some lovely little friends and is really social (far more than DS who due to change in circumstances is at home with Grandparent). Good luck

@MadeForThis He's just turned one

It's hard, isn't it? Probably harder for you than him - he'll probably settle in well once he's been a couple of times.

DS2 was a velcro baby - at 5 he's still a velcro kid if I am there with him. But he settled in well (as did DS1) after his first few sessions at nursery. They both went through phases of crying lots when I dropped them off - nursery would say they were absolutely fine within 5 minutes of me leaving. I didn't believe them and actually hung around outside and peeked through the window ! They were right, they were fine.

Why don't you play it by ear? If she's still unhappy in a few months you can reconsider.

My DS settled and quite enjoyed nursery. DD never did even after 10 months so at that stage a became a SAHM. It suited us both.

Oh lovely, I've been there! He will be absolutely fine and it will do him good. It doesn't feel like it now bit you really are doing the best thing for him. Big hugs, it will get easier x

Going back to work saved me from post natal depression. There's nothing wrong with needing to use your brain and be a great mum. He will adjust and you are not a horrible parent.

My DD was exactly the same ! About a month ago she started gaining confidence though and will let people hold her now.
I think it started when we taught her to hug so we'd say 'give Nanny a hug now we're leaving' and she'd be in my arms but lean in and hug her Nanny. It was almost instant that she was fine. I know how you feel op because I was really feeling the same but babies adapt and he'll be fine

Thanks everyone. Logically I think it's the right decision but I've never left him to cry, ever. I still bf him overnight etc. It's just awful seeing him like that and knowing I could stop it then walking away. On the other hand I know separation anxiety is a developmental stage and something he needs to - to a degree at least - ride out and come out the other side of. I'll try and keep busy this morning while he's there and keep everything crossed.

It sounds like this is a well trusted nursery if his older sibling goes there so take comfort in that. Also remember that parenting is a long game - it feels hard leaving him now, sure, but it may well be the best decision for you all in the long run if it allows you to keep a valued career going. As a childminder I would also say, he may surprise you! I've had some Velcro babies who their parents have really worried about settle quickly and happily. Fingers crossed for you!

@rollingonariver Did she go to nursery? Similar here with GPs. Sometimes he's quite happy to go to them but mostly he kicks off.

Comments like "Do you have to go back to work?" are not helpful in this situation! Some people actually want to go back to work believe it or not! You don't stop being a person with a career when you become a mother. No-one ever asks fathers that question.

I've been there OP. While it seems like they'll never settle, they will. And quicker than you might imagine. My DD was a total Velcro baby and within literally a few weeks she didn't cry when I left her at nursery. Now, 2 years on, she runs in and doesn't look back when I drop her off. It's the hardest thing in the world but don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the choice to go back to work.

That's a good point @Battleax . If I don't go back now I will lose this job, which is a shame because it's a 5 min commute and 4 days per week, but I guess there will be others if I really need to re-think the situation.

She is going to a childminder at the minute, I thought the transition might have been easier than nursery (but it's probably exactly the same).
She's done really well and she'll go to almost anyone now, if anything going to a childminder has made her more confident and happy

Yes, even just thought experiment of "There's a third option" can take some of the pressure out of the situation.

Thanks @StylishDuck - I was a bit at that too. I don't HAVE to go back but I think it would be good for me, and certainly good for us financially as I'll be the breadwinner. DH keeps saying 'it'll be fine, I'm not worried' but he's Mr Laid Back in any circumstance and he's not the one leaving while DS is screaming blue murder. DS is quite prone to tantrums though so part of me wonders if it's 100% anxiety or partly 'How dare you leave me' rage . He does the same when big bro won't share his toys!