Almost 4yr old suddenly having horrendous tantrums

[Chocwocdoodah]

Oh my word, my DS is seriously making me lose my shit!!!! For some reason, he has started having monumental tantrums over nothing. It’s usually at bedtime, particularly if he’s tired. Or it can be in the morning.

He will kick off about having to brush his teeth, or put his shoes on or just now,it was about everything and nothing - I’m too hot/cold/thirsty/want that blanket, no that one. He will scream, cry,roll around on the floor.

I find it so,so hard not to shout and lose my temper. The hardest part is, when I try to be a good, calm parent and walk away, he follows me pulling on my clothes or hanging off my legs still crying and screaming so I can’t escape the situation. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him stop. I never have and never would smack but bloody hell, I’ve come close.

And then he’ll just snap out of it. Just like that.

I’ve no idea why he’s doing it. He does seem more tired than usual lately which I don’t really understand as his normal night is bed at about 7/7.30 and up at about 6.45 so it’s not like he’s a bad sleeper. Of course, if he has a tantrum it’s more like BT at 8/8.30. This all really upsets his older sister too. He is happy in all other aspects of his life and nursery tells me he’s Iovely there.

Any similar experiences or tips?

Anyone?
He’s now waking at night, making ridiculous demands and then having a tantrum when I don’t give him what he wants. He did this on and off for 2 hours last night.....

I don’t have answers but sending you some and sympathy!

Is it a recent thing? Could be he's just thoroughly overexcited about Christmas, and/or fighting a bug. It sounds like you are doing everything right. He will come out the other side, hopefully as soon as Christmas is over.

I doubt he knows why he is doing it. Lots of patient cuddles from you is all I would suggest. But I don't mean give in to demands, just try not to get angry and wait for it to pass.

DD2 is like this. She was always a bad tantrumer though and a sensitive nature. I could never reason with her and used to just sit quietly next to her, although as she got older sometimes she would stop if I ignored her for long enough, (sometimes that would make it worse!). She's 5 now and seems to have had fewer full-blown tantrums since starting school. Still stroppy and whingey though.

My four year old told me yesterday that I was ruining his life, because I pressed the road crossing button and he didn’t. He has some pretty strong feelings and a desperate bid for independence.

He’s over-excited, low level cold, and probably tired. I was fine a few mins later. I’m just rolling with it. And trying to be kind. It’s annoying/hilarious though.

I hear you about the night-time tantrum too. We had one at about 4am that was because I wouldn’t let him sleep between me and his baby brother (mainly because I didn’t want the baby being booted off the bed at some point). Wearing... but often based in something rational, so there’s sometimes something to work with.

Thanks all. Yes it’s started over the past few 2-3 months. Could be excitement I guess. It’s just so wearing - what the hell do I do when he’s laying in bed screaming Mummy at the top of his voice because he wants various stupid things that he makes up on the spot - different blankets/teddies/drinks/- and then screams and tantrums when I don’t give in? Should I just leave him to it ( even though it’ll wake everyone up)??

has anything changed? started school/nursery? new sibling/cousin?

is he getting enough sleep?
good nutrition?
exercise (at least one hour, preferably outside, a day)?

Has he recently started school? Only asking due to his age.

He upped his preschool sessions to 5 half days a week in September. Plenty of exercise - we walk everywhere. Think his nutrition is ok but what in his diet could be contributing to this, do you think?

My DD has been the same, she is going to be 4 in April.
First term in school nursery was great but the second term has been very challenging, especially as her sleeping got really bad. Endless tantrums both at home and at school, refusal to walk, demanding to be carried etc. I have had her going into full blown meltdown in nursery at pick up about other kids receiving referral letters... this great injustice resulted in yet another 20min hysterical screaming about putting her jacket on. We have also had a few nights with night terrors. Oh the joys.

At the moment she is calmer although mornings are starting to be super-early again. Sigh.

The only thing I can think of is that:

• it's age related
• pre-school/nursery is tiring as it is so intense in activity, lots of play with other kids
• hunger is ALWAYS a factor (at least for us)
• any sickness or feeling run down definitely does not help

I have found that when she is in the middle of a major tantrum, nothing will get through, it's like she hears and sees nothing so in those instances there is not much I can do beyond waiting. The tantrums seem to sometimes come from absolutely nowhere and appear illogical, however have also realised that quite often it has got nothing to do with whatever she is shouting about - it's like she has looked for any excuse. So sometimes, it helps to name her feeling - e.g. I can see you are feeling very angry and frustrated. Are you not feeling well? What could make you feel better? Would you like a snack/cuddle? etc. Doesn't always work but it is surprising how often it does.

In nursery they have talked a lot about good choices and bad choices. This has really helped as well, getting her to reason why we should do x.

We just have to power through, they won't be like this forever.

My son is like this every year in the lead up to his birthday and the lead up to Xmas. I think it's part excitement, part anxiety. Then the day it's all over he snaps out of it. I feel your pain, I REALLY do. It is soooo draining!!

Emmie412 - you have described my son almost exactly!! He asks to be carried a lot too, and we’ve recently started getting night terrors - something I’ve never experienced before. Like your DD, the tantrums seem illogical and not really connected to what he’s shouting about. The only difference is he never acts like this at nursery.

I do think tiredness is a factor even though, like I say, his usual night is 11-12 hrs. The irritating thing is if he spends an hr having a tantrum at bedtime, that just means even less sleep.

So if he wakes again in the night and starts asking for random stuff like a different blanket/meds/multiple cuddles what should I try? A gentler approach ( I usually just get cross as I know he’s just thinking up things to ask for off the top of his head!)??

Yellowmaiden - yes all the excitement is definitely not helping!!

Check out PANDAS has he had an infection/illness recently??

If he has upped his hours at pre-school it could be a reaction to the effort of being on his best behaviour all the time there?

My ds, 4 next July is giving us hell. He has always been a handful, but since school broke for Christmas he has really upped his game. All day long demanding and shouting. Tantrums to beat the band.

Today’s one when I took him out for the morning was epic. On the way home I read him the riot act. No more nice mummy. I’ve kept it up all day and he is like a saint. Not holding my breath though. Will see what tomorrow brings.

What works for the tantrums is hardcore ignoring. I used to think that ignoring meant sitting waiting for him to finish. But we now tell him to come for a hug when he is finished and start having a conversation about the weather, price of petrol, what ever. If I’m alone I pretend to have a nice chat down the phone to someone. As soon as he realises we aren’t playing his way he comes for a hug.

Bloody hard work, isn’t it

Sweet Jesus, Random, just looked up PANDAS and it scared the shit out of me!! BUT his behaviour is otherwise normal, no tics or OCD and although he’s had the usual colds/coughs this year, I can’t remember when he last had an illness that warranted antibiotics or even seeing the Dr.

Winner - yes, I’m all up for ignoring daytime tantrums but he will not LET me ignore them - literally swinging from my clothes and wrapping himself around my legs - infuriating!!!!

Sounds like he is just not coping with the over excitement and change of routine. Roll on New Year and back to boring routine!

I’m really hoping that’s it, Random, as it’s really exhausting!

Chocwocdoodah, my DD behaves like an angel in nursery but the meltdown can start at pick up point, i.e. mummy/daddy arrives to take charge and she is usually starving by pick up.

Regarding his demands at night, my question to him would be if he had a bad dream or is feeling scared, i.e. by-pass the demands and read between the lines. He may not know how to put it in words and they have such a wild imagination at this stage. Night light and calming white sounds might help (we play gentle soothing rain sounds). My DD is the youngest so often comes to my bed which I don't mind as she sleeps quietly.

Diet wise I'd advise avoiding sugary drinks - juice and squash etc
Sugary cereals at breakfast time
Obviously sweets themselves and chocolate
Sugary yoghurt

If my ds has any of these his behaviour can be more difficult