Is this normal...?

[boxesoffrogs]

Sorry to be a bore.
I have a six week old dd, who I adore (difficult birth etc etc etc / partner’s parents turned up pretty much in the delivery suite and didn’t go away for two weeks, I was sort of shocked into submission and didn’t really know what to say/how to say ‘fuck off I am trying to breast feed’, which has all fallen through anyway, apparently I am not eating enough (not a stealth boast, I genuinely don’t have time to eat - baby+dog all by yourself is not conducive to meals)
My partner is no help. Leaves at 8am in the morning, doesn’t get home until midnight.
I have no help. Zero.
He has just come home, I’ve not eaten all day, and he has started to do his accounts...
I have literally just died a little bit inside and come back upstairs to my baby. He’s not even given her a glance.

Sorry, I realise that doesn’t make much sense.
Sleep deprivation and all that jazz.

No, this is not normal. Have you asked him for specific help and he has refused, or are you hoping that he will engage his brain and figure it out for himself?

If it is the latter, then it sounds like that isn't working, so perhaps you need to spell out for him exactly what you need and what his role needs to be for the next few months.

If he still doesn't get it, then you are facing some tough choices. Either separate and parent alone, or stay together, parent alone and deal with your increasing resentment.

So sorry OP, what you need right now is help and support. If you can afford it buy in some help asap, you can deal with your shit partner next year.

Thanks for your reply.
I don’t even know where to admit such a mistake.
I love my dd but having massive rethinks about the idiot who is her dad

I have no help at all. Literally, none.

It's not uncommon to not have help outside the immediate family. We don't have family nearby so it's just me and dh against the world. When our first was born, she was hard work (aren't they all?) but particularly clingy and even when she was old enough she wouldn't go to anyone else. Even now she is 5, she still struggles with the idea of us not being at a play date with her and often cries at new experiences. Now we have two children and dh is much more relaxed and engaged with helping me with ds. Ds is 3 months now and dh is more confident helping. It also helps that Ds is more chilled too, and is happy to be held by friends and family, as lib as he's being cuddled and loved, he doesn't much care who it's with! A very different story to dd.

So with dd, I didn't have any help either. It happens. But as for dh you ought to talk to him about how he can help you. Ask him to take her so you can have a bath or shower. Or pop out for a walk etc. Build it up over time to longer breaks but even if it just start with a shower it's all good!

Feel for you op. But this won't get any better. You're sleep deprived but you might as well get shot of him now because stressing about whether he'll step up is going to be way harder in the long term. If he's a millstone, cut him loose.

If there's any chance of talking it through with him then do it. Otherwise, if you can safely do so, go it alone. So sorry you're whee you are.

One child and you can't find 5 mins in the entire day not to eat? Put the kid in a sling. The dog doesn't need 24/7 watching either.

Lots of people have no help when they have babies.

You need to sit down and take a breather.

Don't worry if the breastfeeding failed. Lots of us aren't able to do it for one or another reason. I couldn't because I didn't produce very much. Your baby will be absolutely fine on formula.

As for your In-laws. It sucks, but it is over now. Look forward, not backwards.

Get the sling and feed yourself. I find it very weird you couldn't find 5 mins to even eat a bit.

And toss the loser Father. If he won't help now, he'll never help. I was married to the Father of my son and afyer dropping us off at home afyer the hospital, he promptly went back to work. Didn't spend one day off work helping. It didn't get any better.

If you are not breastfeeding why can’t you leave baby with dad on his day off and take sometime for yourself? Also unless your baby is struggling to sleep you should try to find time to eat/sleep yourself.

If your baby is not sleeping well, perhaps colic etc you need to get some help from dad, your GP and perhaps guidance from HV.

Have you spoken to your partner about all this? What is their response? Sometimes just leaving baby with them for a day is enough to open their eyes.

Thanks hashtag and ginger - sorry I can’t even work out how to bold.

Fatso - yes, just one child. Think why it has come as such a shock, sorry.

He is currently downstairs, rumbling on about ‘accounts’ and drinking whiskey.

Again, no support, nothing. Oh and for the sake of a drip feed, he now has my engagement ring back...

Sorry captain didn’t see your response there. Basically he is working all the time ever, so I should just suck it up??? According to him obviously. Oh and he is a plumber... so therefore should be raking it in??not towards me and the baby....
Argh. Clearly the leaving the Wanker plan needs to be sorted.

Jesus Christ everybody calm down, why does OP need to leave her partner?
It's been six weeks. Partners do have emotions and a difficult delivery and a new baby in the house could have shocked him as much as it did OP.
What help exactly would you like OP? Go and tell him.
He might be stressing out that suddenly he is responsible for the whole family and this tiny new life he created on his own. Is the money tight?
Yes, plenty of people deal with the transition to parenthood brilliantly. The rest just needs some help and time to adjust. And who are those people who have help? We're expats, with no family and no friends nearby and you know, we had to deal with it. There was no one to help us and yes, partners do have to return to work after parental leave.
The only help we got was a cleaning lady we hired.
I'd suggest a chat with someone before you make any drastic moves.

I remember the first weeks and months with DS1 and not eating properly either. It was a shock to the system.

Firstly you need to eat. You'll feel a hundred times more able to deal with the lack of sleep if you make time for it. I have DS1 and a 10 week old baby now - in the mornings I leave the baby in his bouncer in the kitchen for 15 minutes whilst I make breakfast for DS1, eat some toast and make sandwiches for later in the day. Sometimes the baby is quiet and sometimes he screams/shouts at me - he's fed, warm and has a clean nappy so is ok IMO. For dinner do the same - you can eat things like shop bought filled pasta that take minutes to prepare, or bung a jacket potato in the oven. Again baby in bouncer during prep and eating time.

As for your Partner I am also a bit surprised at the LTB cries so soon. Your baby is so tiny still. Has he always worked these hours? Did he take paternity leave?

Having a baby is like dropping a bomb into a relationship. Everything changes and this can be tricky to work out. IMO you need to get him to sit down with you on his next day off, or when he has a spare few hours, and spell out to him that you need him. He may be hiding in his work to cope or is struggling with the idea of being a dad and wants to provide.

I hope it works out for you and that your Partner steps up. Be more selfish during the day and make sure you eat, as well as do things like shower (again, baby in bouncer but in the bathroom with you).

Agreed, Minime, the 'LTB' stuff is a little over the top considering we know nothing about the poster and what her relationship is like long-term.

OP, it is normal to feel overwhelmed, especially at 6 weeks when the sleepy newborn phase is ending and the baby wakes up more. You are also coming down off the birth high / hormones and probably are getting the blues more. It's not helpful to be told that 'none of us had any help and we all coped'. The reality is that most of us struggle with our first babies and it takes a while to figure out the tricks and hacks to make sure we get enough sleep and food for ourselves. Hint: the baby will be fine if you leave her down for 15 minutes and get yourself a sandwich. If you are having trouble leaving the house to shop, get online shopping sorted out instead.

It is harder to do it all alone but definitely possible. Your partner should be doing more. I am guessing he is in work mode and just not realizing how much work the baby is and assuming you are having an 'easy' time because you're not working outside the home right now. You need to talk to him frankly and ask him to either pay for a babysitter or else give you more time on his weekends or evenings off to catch up on sleep.

It's not 'normal' to have a partner who does absolutely nothing but it is normal to struggle with a newborn when you are doing it all alone.

I am also in the same position as no support, it can feel very lonely.

Have you had a conversation with your DP? Perhaps he thinks your just fine etc. It also sounds like is parents certainly wanted to support (even if this wasn’t achieved) can’t they come and hold the baby for a bit?

There is always time for food, baby sleeping in pushchair then grab some lunch on the move.

Have you considered you may have more than the baby blues? Do chat to your HV/GP.

Wishing you well

No not normal

But sadly common

The reason why I'm a single parent but it took me 2 children to make the decision.

I don't get why you haven't eaten. That's bollox. I went back to work after 2 months from home and had time to work, care for a baby and sort myself.

If your OH is the breadwinner and does lots then suck it up. If he's a half arsed prick who boozes all the time and controls the purse then leave now.

Good luck!

Can you get help from your parents or would his parents help? If your parents live further away would they be willing for you and baby to stay for awhile. Then all you have to do is look after the baby your mum will look after you. Or Order easy to eat food from supermarket Sainsbury’s have a good online system buy ready prepared so all you have to do is reheat it. Hire a dog walker and a cleaner tell dh he has to pay as he’s working and not helping. Sort the dh problems when you’ve got yourself sorted with food and a little sleep. He may just not realise or he may be in shock (difficult birth new baby life changing and yes it’s less for him than it is for you but he won’t be thinking) or he may have no intention of helping. I would have almighty meltdown about it and make a huge fuss, If you point it out calmly it doesn’t seem to work. From my own experience and other new mothers this does seem to be the most effective way. If your relationship was good before don’t LTB yet, sleep deprivation clouds the ability to think clearly and logically big decisions should only be taken in the cold light of day. Good luck

Everything brio said. DD is 13 weeks and I’ve only just stopped wanting to murder my husband.

Food is important. Baked beans on toast is fine, bananas, yoghurt, pranut butter sarnies, those 1-min tortellini... just eat something.

Try giving your husband specific instructions for now - take baby from 7-8pm, don’t leave the house in the morning before making me a sandwich and coffee.

Hmmm OP, unless you’ve had a specific conversation with him asking for more support then he is not a mind reader.

Giving him back the engagement ring and then telling him you’ve not eaten and slept for days us definitely making a dramatic statement. Not sure I would do the same, however now start a dialogue and go from there.

I take it you had no idea babies were going to be this hard and tiring. Neither did I too. So let’s give your DP the benefit of the doubt. But your DP is a plumber and presumably knew that he would be working long and physically tiring hours before the baby arrived. You have to seek some support from him too, but if he spends a lot of time driving I can see why he wouldn’t want to take on many sleepless nights. And I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for you not eating.

If there are no health issues with baby, please speak with your HV they can offer support and some practical ideas.

But In the meantime sod the housework, sleep when baby sleeps, eat ready meals and rest in front of the TV.