Creating self esteem - can you help me change a negative pattern of parenting?

[Rantum]

This may sound like a bit of a non-problem compared with many others on MN but, recently, I have caught myself saying deprecating remarks about my son's toddler behaviour with increasing regularity to friends and I am worried that as he gets older (he is 2.3) my attitude (I sometimes assume DS is at fault if something happens - a child gets hurt at playgroup for instance - even if I didn't see the incident) will have more of an impact on his self esteem.

I know that most of his behaviour is completely normal for his age and although my ds is a very exuberant, energetic boy he is very thoughtful and kind a lot of the time too. I have always disliked "boastful" parents or parents who ignore poor behaviour, but I think I try to over compensate for any misdemeanor on ds's part by drawing attention to the fact that I have noticed it. Without going into too much history, I am particularly concerned because when I was a child my own parents could be very derogatory about me and I think that I am falling into a learned pattern of parenting which is more about my ego than my child's development.

Really, what I would like to know from MNers is any tips for how can I defend my child and make it clear that I am on his side without defending all of his behaviour? How can I get out of this pattern of "talking down about my son" before it starts to impact on his self esteem?

I'm just wondering - do you talk yourself down too?

Positive priase-make sure you use it;
you are playing really well

wow, that is a really good picture

you are playing nicely and sharing well, good boy

etc etc

learn to be flippant, ok, so hes hit someone, its bad, but its fun and hes getting a reaction from you

Yeah, I guess I do - like a lot of people I can be self deprecating - I know that this is probably about my own self esteem too, but it is one thing to behave this way myself and another to include ds in it as a mini-extension of my own problems iyswim, and I just need some ideas for how to stop it for ds's sake.

First don't talk yourself down because it sounds like you're thinking about what's going on, and that's more self awareness than some people have. Second, I know you say you don't like boastful parents, but I do try and praise my son as much as possible, to focus on the good things he does rather thn the bad. He'll know you're on his side if you balance reasonable criticism with lots of praise and love.

There a few good parenting courses running at the mo that do well, and focus on positive parenting umm called: webster straton (sp?) and protective behaviours. Mostly run everywhere I think.
Its good you know your doing it, keep goign
L

Alfie Kohn says always assume the best possible motive for your child's actions

I have not managed to put this into practice myself but find it a very interesting idea

Thanks Busy bean - the thing is that I am very good one-on-one at praising ds, disciplining him appropriately without going too far, but as soon as friends come over with their children or I go to playgroup with him or we are in a public venue I find myself criticising him to other people as if I want to pre-empt any criticism from them and I know that this is a bad approach (it kind of demonises my perfectly normal toddler, in a sense) but as I said, I can't seem to break the pattern even though, intellectually, I know it is really negative. Sorry to go on about this, I am just not sure what I should do...

Thanks Peaches, I know you are right - there is a difference between boasting and acknowledging our children's strengths - I never really heard a lot of the latter growing up and I simply don't have an obvious frame of reference for actually doing it

So the main time you get overly critical is in public? Is the problem more with how you feel you're perceived by your peers rather than how you feel you should handle DS? Not sure i have any suggestions about that - you do sound like you think things through quite well though. I like F&Z's quote too.

Yes I think it is about that Peaches - and it is probably because I have moved around a lot and have often been an outsider so I find it very hard to judge if I have been accepted by others, although I really do want to make friends where I live now. I know people often say things like "be true to yourself" and "don't worry about what other people think about you" or even, "true friends take you for who you are". It is just that I find that these things are really easier said than done.

Hi Rantum

I really identify with what you say about feeling like an outsider - I have always had that problem, and I know I have a tendency to put myself down to people because I feel that I need to pre-empt people before they make negative judgements about me. Are you worried that people are going to make judgements about you as a parent? Maybe that would account a bit for what is happening. Perhaps by apologising for your ds's behaviour, you're in fact apologising for yourself - although I am sure that in fact you have noting to apologise for.

You sound like a very caring parent. The fact that you are able to reflect on this, think about the impact on your ds and ask for help is really positive, as is the fact that you have talked about your ds's lovely qualities. It sounds like you have been able to look at what happened to you growing up and learn from it. Many people would just fall into the pattern blindly, but it sounds like you are prepared to do something about it. You obviously are able to acknowledge your child's strengths because you naturally do so in private. Because of the kind of person you seem to be, I very much doubt that if you were able to do that in public that anyone would see it as boasting. I'd be a hypocrite if I were to say "don't worry about what other people think" - cos I'm really guilty of that myself , but I do think if you were able to relax and praise your ds as seems natural to you, only an idiot would judge you harshly!

Good luck anyway

Rantum, no sugestions really but I identify. I do the same in public with DD. For me I think its a protective stategy (for myself).

DD is quite rambunctious and is currently quite disobedient compared to my friends slightly younger children. I suspect they think I am too soft on her and that she is naughty, so its a case of "I will run DD down myself before you get a chance to"...which is really a very weird thing to do!

And I think also I don't want them to think I don't notice/care that she sometimes behaves badly.

I will watch this with interest.

Rantum, i sympathise. My parents were very much of the never boast about your kids school of thought. And some of my worst memories are of mum laughing at something id done! or not realising my potential, and never ever really praising.
So i know how hard it is to get out of that - i really have to try not to just see my los faults and let other more boastful parents so easily talk up their dcs.
Not sure how you get out of it except that realising the pattern is there is the best thing imo. I've got to monitor myself sometimes that i dont turn into my mum basically (who is great in other ways incidently). But say the nice words over and over even if you dont feel it. try try to stop the other bad words coming out and i reckon it should work over time. It does help that my dh thinks everything about him and dc is baseline brilliant - funny his mum does too - so it really does get passed down!

not advice but a book recommendation

it is called the Social Toddler.

it is about re-evaluating how you behave to scenarios and your outlook on your toddler's behaviour and even taking into accout your own personality and how you behave differently to get the outcome you want.

it is not didactic or judgemental and not at all difficult to read but i think asks for introspection on your behaviour as well as your child's and changing what you do and how you interact to get a different behaviour from your toddler.

look at what it says on amazon and the children's project to see what i am trying to say if all i've done is ramble.